Another bites the dust

Two weekends ago, I went to the Greek festival with catholic boy...

...and broke up with him.

In the weeks before "the talk" we had made some progress.

He had asked me to be in a relationship with him on Facebook, which I was totally not expecting and said, "can i think about that?" My response didn't sit well with him at all.

Then we had a heart to heart and basically didn't bring it up again. I thought about his question though, and as much as he is a nice guy, he isn't the right one for me. He had very strong feelings for me, including butterflies in his stomach, but I worried a lot that I would never be able to return said feelings.

A week later, we had a late-night discussion about friends. I was thinking that maybe if he met my friends I could tell whether or not he could hold his own. I thought that would make my decision to be or not be with him that much clearer and easier. But when I asked him if he would be comfortable meeting my friends, he wasn't enthused. And when I asked him if I could meet his friends, he straight out said, "you wouldn't like them. they aren't like you. they are atheist and vuglar." To which I replied, "you are so sweet, I can't imagine you hanging out with such people."

After we parted ways that night, I couldn't stop shaking my head. Something felt off. Something wasn't right. I still don't know exactly what it was, but I have learned from my past that I should always trust my gut, and in this situation, my gut was telling me to listen. So I did.

He had never been to the Greek festival before, so I thought, the best thing I can do is give him a good memory of it. We went to the liquor store beforehand where we bought shooters of various alcohol, and stopped at a nearby KFC to eat some fried chicken beforehand. After all, you can shouldn't eat on an empty stomach.

We listened to music, people watched, and drank. It was enjoyable. Then it was time to have "the talk." He noticed something wasn't right but I didn't want to have "the talk" in public. I wanted to do it alone, somewhere quiet.

So I told him it was time to leave and went to this church which had a lovely garden. It was near where I had parked. I told him that something felt off to me and that I think we would be better off as friends. He cried (a tear or two) and then went into a bout of self-pity. It was pretty sad to watch, but I tried to reassure him it wasn't anything specific that he had done, we just weren't the right fit.

We talked and he asked me if I wanted to be friends...to which I said, sure, let's give it a try. Only at the end of the conversation, in which he told me he is an atheist (yet he didn't even know what that word meant when I asked him so), he changed that to, can we be friends with benefits?

Um, what? I didn't expect that at all, although in hindsight I should've known. He is a boy after all.

Fast forward to this past weekend where we saw each other for the first time since the break up. I had actually 100% made up my mind that I only wanted to be friends. I even suggested he come over and play cards. He did come over but he definitely pressed for more than friends, to which I had to reject him. I felt good about my decision and he was respectful of it. We did end up cuddling on the couch though. And let me tell you, he is an amazing cuddler! But, I have made up my mind, I am not going to go into the friends with benefits zone.

We are set to watch fireworks on Sunday. Hopefully it isn't awkward.


Have you been friends with benefits with someone you've dated before? Did it have a happy ending?

Updates! Updates! Updates!

Lately I haven't been posting because I've been reading all of your entries. I know, that's no excuse, but when things in my life change or there's important developments, I tend to go silent in the blogging world and take the time to deal with them in "real" life.

Since I last posted, I have some updates to share.

As you all know from my post a month ago, I went to Arizona to see a boy I've been talking with for five years. The trip itself was intense because there were ups and downs. Day one was intense for me because he sucked a lot of energy from me. Day two was much better because I felt balanced and we did some things that he wanted to do and some things I wanted to do too. Day three was horrible because all we did was argue and fight. We were supposed to have an amazing date night but it was the worst date I've never been on. We barely talked at dinner and then he took me home. Granted, now I realize that we probably had that bad day because this entire time we were around each other all day, minus the time when we were asleep in our own places. At least the trip ended on an okay note. We actually got to go to the pool and relax and were civil and nice to each other the last day. I do have to say, four days of non-stop boy time was too much. In the future, if I ever do something crazy like this again, I'm going to definitely schedule in "me" time and take a shorter trip.

Since the trip, we made the mutual decision to break things off. We are still friends and happen to still talk frequently, but I'm relieved we're no longer dating or trying to figure out if a relationship would have worked.

This leads me to introduce a new boy, whom I met from CatholicMatch.com. He is nice and patient and not at all like the Arizona boy. We've been going out for two months or so, and I have enjoyed my time hanging out with him. He has a job, but he also has some faults. Like...he can't drive because he has a hereditary condition with his eyesight which causes him to be unable to see contrasts. He also lives at home, which is fine, but recently while we were on a date, he spilled some green chile on his pants and immediately he said, "my mom's gonna be so mad at me," while he furiously tried to get rid of the stain. I couldn't believe his mom still does his laundry. I mean, he's 27! I live at home, but I would never have my mom do my laundry. It's MY responsibility. Talk about a turnoff.

And then there's the whole Catholic thing. I mean, I'm not a perfect Catholic, but I have to say over the past year or so, I've really grown a lot spiritually, and frankly, I want that in my future life partner someday. I've invited him to several church-type events and he's basically said no to all of them. And it's not like me to just be that person to keep nagging someone to go, so I haven't invited him to anything since.

Two weeks ago, the asshole treated me to frozen yogurt. I haven't seen him in awhile and I have no intention of dating him, but I did want to kiss him for comparison purposes only, which I disclosed to him before we even met that night. And I have to tell all of you, I felt more of a spark with him based off of those two kisses than I have with Catholic boy for the past two months.

Therefore, I've decided that I need to be honest with Catholic boy and tell him I think we should only be friends and that the spark just isn't there for me. I've been trying to do this for the past week and a half, but our schedules just haven't worked out, so hopefully by next weekend this hard conversation will be over with.

Surprisingly, I'm actually happy with not dating anyone right now. I'm sure there will be days when I'm envious of others or feeling lonely, but right now I think I'm where I'm supposed to be. It also doesn't hurt that I made an offer on a townhouse! The thought of moving on with my life is really exciting to me. I'm just waiting to hear if my offer has been accepted or not. So send me some positive vibes!

What's new with you?

Advice Needed & Appreciated

The situation: It's about a boy. Obviously. That's pretty much the only time I care about advice. Anyways, said boy, lives in another state. Boy and I have daily phone conversations and have "known" each other for years. I say "known" because we've never actually met face to face. We've had video chats and written letter correspondance, facebook messages and IMs, but never the actual hang out time we've both been craving.

He currently lives at home too, so that has sort of hindered things. But here's the thing. I like him and he likes me. But I hate the distance. I want someone I can see every week and still have the hour long phone conversations. He's not moving here anytime soon, and I'm not moving where he is either. So I guess you could say that we aren't meant to be, and that things will never progress. But that's what I'm confused about.

Some days we have an amazing connection. Some days he brings out the best in me and vice versa. Of course there are other days when we both are stubborn and fight too. It's not all roses and fairy tales. Like last night, I asked him how his night was and he told me he spent it with his family at home. Only, toward the end of the conversation he admitted he went out on a date with the same girl he had met, oh, last week.

I was annoyed for two reasons, which I expressed to him clearly. First off he should have just been honest with me at the beginning of the conversation. How was I supposed to know he went out on a date? I can't always ask an exact question to figure out an answer. Secondly, how can he spend time talking with me everyday and then go out on a date with a girl? He said he did it because he was mad at me because the night before I told him I wasn't going to make a trip out there to see him.

We were discussing Frontier's fall sale, and he asked me to come see him. I told him I felt like we were dysfunctional and that I didn't want to book a trip and then regret coming out there. Basically, if I go see him, I want to be the center of attention. I demand to have it. Because to me, going out of state to see someone and spend time with them is serious. And, I don't want to look like a fool. I want to know he's serious about me and I don't want to have to worry that he's interested in anyone else.

He assured me that if I had told him in the first place that I would go see him, he never would've went out with that girl. He also told me if I come out to see him, it will be all about us. He claims that he cares about me and wants to spend time together. I asked him about where I'd stay. Part of me wants a hotel because then I'd have some down time alone. But then that's more money. He said I could potentially stay with him if his parents go out of town or he was thinking of asking a friend of his from his church if I could stay with her.

Obviously, I'm in the thick of this mess and can't see clearly so that's where you all come in. What should I do?

Pros: I'd finally get an answer to if me and him are even remotely compatible. And I'd get to go to a state with warmer weather.

Cons: I could go out there and realize he's completely not for me. And then what would I do for the rest of the weekend? I don't want to regret anything. I don't want to regret going but I also want a happy ending. I want it to go smoothly and have fun. It's one thing to go out there because I wanted to see something or attend another event and then meeting him would just be icing on the cake. But if I'm being honest with myself--if I went on this trip in October--it wouldn't be because I want to go to Arizona. It'd be for him.

Being single is awkward

The aforementioned title of this blog post was my the status message I posted on Facebook over the weekend. Specifically on Friday night after I had consumed about six beers, which is totally unusual for me. It's probably because I was playing the role of "wing woman" for one of my close friends.

I'm not used to playing wing woman. And this particular friend had been with her significant other for almost two years until they recently called it quits. Now she's in her rebound phase, which she recognizes. Honestly, I have no problem with that at all because I benefit from it. I've gotten a single friend willing to go out on the weekend and someone to talk boytalk with.

She met this guy at the dog park and found out he's in a band and had a gig that night. He invited her to come by and of course she wasn't about to go alone, so she called me. After almost hitting a deer, we finally found the place. And let me tell you--this place screamed sketchy right from the start.

First off, the name of the bar is called "In the Zone." Make what you will with that. Then we walk in, and we literally were the youngest ones there. And overdressed might I add. My friend even threw on a button up shirt over her fancy top so she wouldn't attract attention.

We ordered drinks and then got a table near the stage and waited. Finally my friend saw her guy and said hi to him. I had my eye on the saxophone player but turns out he's married. My friend thought the keyboard player was cute until he came by our table and we noticed up close he wasn't so hot.

So of course to get through all the cover songs they played, I drank. Finally during a break, her guy came over and talked with us a bit--made the usual small talk and then left. I told my friend I don't think he's boyfriend material, and to "proceed with caution." I mean, this guy is 35, has roommates, and basically didn't really give her any sort of special attention that night, which I could tell she was wanting.

Her guy invited us to have a drink with the band after they were done playing for the night. At that point, I had already had my two tall beers and was thinking of switching to water, but my friend insisted that we should get one more drink and then we'd leave.

Well, I got my beer, and the band finished playing but then they had to break down the stage and equipment which was gonna take another 45 minutes. At this point, most of the people in the bar had left, and it wasn't even 1 a.m.

So my friend and I talked and killed some time. Here comes in the awkwardness. While we were talking with two single guys, this old guy wearing a red hat who had been staring at my friend throughout the night, came by our table, interrupted the conversation and said, "You're cute," to my friend. She replied, "I know I am," and he said, "Wow you're full of yourself," and walked away. AWKWARD!

Not only was that awkward, but right after the red hat guy left, my friend knocked over her beer, sending it all over our table and pretty much down the leg of my jeans. Awesome, right? The hammered dude came back with some napkins, while the blonde guy brought over a wet rag.

Turns out the blonde guy was totally a regular at that bar, which says a lot. And he admitted he's an "engi-nerd," which in some dorky way was cute. But he definitely was desperate. He kept saying "you've got to come back," and pretty much begging us to stay. We stayed long enough for him to replace my friend's split beer and then got the heck out of there.

The night definitely had its awkward moments, but it made for a great story.

Guest Post

Hey guys, I'm guest posting over at Lost in Singledom today about my recent encounter with an actual decent guy...apparently they DO exist. Who knew? Anyways, read it & add your two cents!

No Boys Allowed

Exactly six months ago, I decided since it was a new year, it was going to be my year of not making the same mistakes again. Specifically with boys.

Now, we all know how I made the mistake of going to Vermont to spend a weekend with Special Agent man. I thought it was going to be a you+me kind of weekend, but it turned out to be a my-flight-got-in-late-and-you-invited-your-best-gay-friend-to-hang-out-with-us-all-weekend-so-I'm-going-to-leave-you-and-hang-out-with-my-bff-in-NH-instead kind of weekend.

Since then, I haven't really talked with Special Agent man. I don't hold any ill will towards him, but I'm over the whole flirting with him game. At one point after our trip, he said he might come home to attend his sister's wedding. He talked about taking me on a possible impromptu road trip, and gave me compliments about how much he missed my company. I'll admit, I was secretly hoping for the road trip part. But of course when he texted me last week, he confirmed that he wasn't coming home for the wedding, but that he "might be home in October." (OR NOT. #justsayin) So I'm not holding my breath on that one.

Then there's Alex, who used to literally work a block away from me. We never went out or anything, but we used to occasionally email each other or randomly talk on the bus. And again, I wasn't interested in him at all, he just was too old for me--I think he's like 30-something.

Last month during one weekend, I happened to be on Facebook and he was on there. We started chatting, and basically he told me that all this time he's been wanting to ask me out on a date, which honestly, my intuition told me that he might have more interest than friends, but I was always quick to say that I had some plans for that night or weekend, because I didn't feel comfortable going anywhere with him. I just told him that I wasn't interested in dating anyone right now, to which he replied, "I wish I could go out with you and spend more time with you. You never know, you might fall in love." UM, WHAT? I negatively answered that I don't fall in love with anyone, but by the end of our conversation, he still seemed to hold out hope that once I actually started to date, he'd be the first one on my list. (NO.)

Now here's the boy that I really was intending this post to talk about--the Asshole. Basically, I was that girl. The girl that flirted with him, went out with him, actually dated, then broke up with, and then hooked up with, and then decided we-are-just-friends with. The last time I saw him was the first week of January. I mistakenly thought that we could be capable of being just friends. I really believed that we could just grab dinner together and catch up and then I would go home and everything would be great.

Well, of course he didn't think of it that way, and of course we didn't just have dinner. I remember at the time when we were hooking up that night that I really was over him. I didn't have any doubts, and I wasn't even attracted to him anymore. I remember being so bored that I was trying to talk about where we should eat while he was all over me. Basically I promised myself that I could never go back to him. That I was over him and done making the same mistakes over and over and over again.

And that mentality has gotten me pretty far this year. I haven't seen him since that day almost six months ago. I have talked with him on Facebook chat or replied to his texts, but I've never implied that I want to anything besides have a friend to go hiking or to dinner with. I've made it clear that I don't like him that way anymore. And I really thought he got the point. Until this week. All this week, he's been texting me and Facebooking me to come over.

Saying no to him is the easy part. The part that is hard is my self-doubt that seems to be creeping up on me. For some reason, for every time I say no to him, another thought comes into my head that says, "say yes. You haven't kissed anyone in six months, and look how far it's gotten you. What's your reward for being so 'good?'" To which myself responds, "well, I haven't dated or kissed anyone in six months because I have higher standards now. I'm not gonna make the same mistakes anymore. I know I won't find fulfillment by kissing a random dude at a club. I'm over it, and if I have to wait another six months until a boy worth my time shows up, then so be it."

Yea, my internal dialogue can be quite lengthy. But you get my point. I know the Asshole is bad news. I know it, but it's hard to be optimistic all the time. Seriously, for the past six months, I haven't had any desire to go on a date, much less make out with anyone. I've been content with myself.

But the reason why I might be having this pity party for myself is because two weeks ago when I was on my flight to New York, I met someone. A boy, who obviously is black (because that's all I attract). Anyways, we talked for a bit. I learned he went to school about an hour away from me, and that he was coming back on the same flight as me that weekend.

Well, turns out our return flight was delayed. I had already drank a glass of red wine to kill the time, but we ended up running into each other by the gate. We talked for an hour about our families, our music tastes, and about Facebook. He gave me his email address so I could friend him, and we said our goodbyes. Well, I ended up friending him. He wrote on my wall saying thanks for adding me. Flash forward to a few comments back and forth--he asked me to lunch.

At first I thought, oh sure, that's fine, because honestly I just thought of him as a friend. But then the more I thought about it, the more I felt like he was wanting more than friends, and that's definitely something I don't want with him because he's too young for me (21) and I know we wouldn't make it long term. But when I asked a couple of my guy friends what I should do, they said I should say yes and then cancel on him at the last minute so "he knows he's not important." I personally thought that was mean. I'd rather be honest.

What I ended up doing was saying yes via Facebook, but secretly hoping he wouldn't follow up. And he didn't. Which makes me relieved. And if he does end up apologizing and asking me out again, this time I'm going to invite him to one of my many summer festival plans I have with my friends or I won't respond at all. I figure if he really just wants to be my friend, he'll be fine hanging out with my friends, and if he says no, then I know he really wasn't looking for friendship after all.

So, make me feel better. Tell me the good guys do exist. Or that you can relate. Or pretty much anything.

No Boys Allowed

Recently, my dating life has suffered massive blows for some reason. Let's recap here:

Alex- I let him go. He was too old, and he intimidated me for some reason. After that final email, he did send me one last week asking how I have been and how the weather is. I replied because I thought it couldn't hurt, and I haven't heard back from him.


Special Agent- We've texted a few times and he drunk dialed me a couple weeks ago, but other than that, nothing much. I think what we had most in common was the trip.

Asshole- I haven't heard from him.

Yogi- We text sometimes too, and I've called him a couple of times but he never called me back. I still see him in the mornings, and he still makes me smile, but I think that's all it will ever be. He hasn't asked me to hang out with him and I haven't either.

So, given that's all the boys, I am at a standstill here. My latest thoughts are being that I should meet new boys, or let all of these boys go, so that by the time the new year hits, I'm a free agent. Sometimes I wonder if I could be without any boys, like sure I could have friends that are boys, but you know, like free of that boy. The boy you can flirt with or call or text. But, I'm beginning to think that I should try it. I mean, sure I might be a little lonely in the boy area without those ones to lean on, but ultimately, I'd be setting more time aside for myself, and that's a good thing. Plus, I won't have to put in anymore effort into said texting, calling, and flirting. I also kinda wanna do it to prove to myself that I can do it, ya know?

Do you have any boytoys or girls that you need to let go of? Or am I just a huge flirt?

Boys & Girls

Can boys and girls just be friends?

I'm gonna say no. But I want to say yes. I want to believe that it's possible. I've told myself before how I've wanted a guy friend or two to hang out with, to do things with around town when my girl friends are busy. But I know in order for two people to be friends they have to be on the same page. And while it might start off right, it doesn't end right. Nope, either the girl likes the guy or the guy likes the girl. It just happens. It's like inevitable.

My friend Self-Absorbed, has a guy friend. But he likes her. He's invited her to fly to Canada to see him. She tells me all the time over gchat how he's such a stalker, and how she keeps telling him no, that doesn't like him, etc etc. Until today. Today apparently she thinks that she can go visit him "as a friend." "I know nothing will happen, I trust him. And I miss him when he's not online." Um, you miss the attention sweetie, not the boy. I told her how that's not a good idea, because even if he says they are just friends, he will take her visiting him to heart. And she's a flirt. So you know nothing good can come of this. I hope she listens.

Giving her advice has got me thinking about my boys. I found out Alex is 37. He wanted me to friend him on facebook, so I did. But now that I know his age, I don't want to hang out with him. And of course when I decided this last week, what happens? He asks me out to lunch on Monday. Thankfully work has been super busy this week so I had a legitimate excuse to say no. But 37? I mean, just the mention of his age makes me intimidated. I wouldn't even know what to say around him, especially because he's very soft-spoken. I mean, I don't see any attraction to him anyways, so I would be friends with him, but  still--37? No thanks.

Special Agent and I are still friends, but after my trip to see him a couple of weekends ago, I think there's potential for more than friends. I don't want that, and he doesn't either. But...if we were both in the same city, at the same time, and both single...wellll....I wouldn't discount us going out a time or two. So, that proves it, I can't be friends with boys, even if I tell myself that's what I want.



What do you think? Do you think boys and girls can just be friends? Cuz I'm thinkin' no...

"You're my best friend"

Since my last post about all the boys in my life, I have quite a few updates.

Let's start with Alex. We keep e-mailing back and forth, but generally, our conversations are boring. I don't want to discount anything with him just yet, because anyone can be boring via e-mail. But I also am not at the point where I want to actually talk with him on the phone, let alone give him my number. Maybe I'll suggest going for a walk on our lunch break and see how the conversation is then. Either way, I definitely am not feeling the whole take-me-to-dinner-please feelings. More or less, I think he and I could be friends.

Speaking of friends, let's talk about Special Agent boy. So as you know from my last post, I'm set to spend a weekend with him in Vermont in oh, less than two weeks now. Up until this point, we still text daily, and he still calls me cakes btw. UGH. Regardless, he's been a little distant lately. Fewer phone calls, but still flirty text messages. Turns out he's homesick, and he's fighting with his sister because she's getting re-married and he doesn't approve of it at all. He hasn't even met her fiancee, but hates the idea, so he's boycotting coming home at all for the holidays. I've been supportive of him, listening to him vent, and when needed, putting in my two cents. 

This past Friday, while on Facebook, he started venting about family stuff. And then somehow changed the subject to my trip out there. "I want you to know that you're my best friend. I know I can tell you anything, and that whatever I tell you stays between you and me, and that's amazing. I'm so lucky." I'm thinking to myself...OKAY....where are you going with this? "But I'm so stressed out with family stuff right now that I can't be more than friends with you. Not to mention that my job comes first, and I'm a shitty boyfriend. I still need to deal with my past."

Of course I was shocked. I mean, wow. I didn't know what to say. In the span of like 3 minutes, he gave me a HUGE compliment, but also kinda put me in my place. He asked me if I was disappointed, and I said, "I don't think so, because I honestly don't know what I want right now." Which is true. I'll admit my first reaction was--how can he not want me? I want him to want me, even if I don't know if I want him. And as my bff pointed out, it's not fair to expect that from him if I don't even know what I want.

So I let that sink in, and we continued to chat, and by the end of our conversation, we were at ease. We were ourselves, and the conversation flowed naturally, which is a good thing. The more I've think about this--that we're just friends--the more I think he's right. Not to mention that I still don't even know if I'll like him more than a friend, seeing as I haven't seen him since high school. I think right now, especially with the distance, it's good to be friends. He makes me feel good about myself, and I in turn, encourage and support him. Not only that, but reading back on my past entry about the trip, I noted that I'm most comfortable with going to see him as friends. And that still holds true. Now I don't have to worry about being perfect around him. Now I can be myself. 

Over the weekend, when I was planning on going to the Great American Beer Festival, I tentatively made plans to stay the night at the Asshole's place in case I couldn't find anyone to give me a ride. I of course ended up staying with M, which was a way better choice. Plus, when I texted him on Saturday complaining about my head hurting, he texted back saying he was sick with a bad chest cold, so it was probably even better that I didn't stay with him on Friday night. Since then, I haven't heard from him, which is a good thing. I am just over him. I don't know how to describe it, but I honestly would have to force myself to go out with him again. I just don't feel anything anymore.

I haven't seen Yogi in over a week now, because something's messed up with the nerves in his leg. He's literally been out of work for almost two weeks now. I called him a couple of times to see how he was doing. We talked last night for a few minutes but basically he still doesn't know what is wrong with him and is set to go to a different doctor today. It'll be nice to see him, in a friendly way of course. 

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

Whew, I've had alot of stuff happenin' lately with boy front, that it's way past time that I update you all.

Bryan aka Special Agent. He and I still text daily, with occasional phone calls in between. Things have been going well. About three weeks ago now, I was bored at work. Just the night before Bryan had reminded me that I am always welcome to visit him. Therefore, I texted him while at work asking for his days off so I could possibly look into seeing how much airfare would be for a weekend trip next month. He texted back promptly, and I checked kayak.com for the rest of the day, confusing the hell out of myself with all the different dates, schedules, and prices of flights. I revisited this the next day, a Friday. Tickets were going for $300+ for the weekend I wanted, which turns out to be Columbus Day weekend--no wonder. So I texted my NY friend complaining about how expensive it is, but that I wanted to go. He offered to pay for my ticket. Yes, you read that right. We've known each other for almost 4 years, and he's always offering to buy me stuff I want, but I have never taken him up on it. Until now..... I booked a ticket to visit Bryan for a weekend! I can't believe I did that, but then again, I didn't pay for it, so why not go?

Bryan of course was beyond excited knowing that I'm coming to visit him. He's already made plans to take me to dinner in New Hampshire, about an hour or so away, to meet his friend and his wife. And I insisted that we go apple picking, which he hasn't done. I'm so excited to go apple picking, I haven't been since college!

But here's the confusing part--I haven't seen Bryan since high school, and if you've been reading this blog, you know my thoughts about high school people. So, that, coupled with the fact that I don't even know if I like like him, makes this weekend kind of scary. Not to mention that normally I don't open up to boys right away. I take months to do so. But all I have with Bryan is a weekend, so it's going to be a challenge to be myself and open up right away.

My other concerns are what it means to visit a boy for a weekend. When I think of it in terms of me visiting him and it possibly meaning more than friends, I get all nervous and wonder what the hell I'm doing. But at the same time, if I think, oh it's just friends, it's kinda disappointing because maybe I want him to want me more than friends. But if I think of the weekend as my own getaway to Vermont, with his added company, I'm actually comfortable with that and excited.

The only other thing I need to figure out now is what to wear to bed. I usually just toss on a t-shirt and some sort of bottoms, but then again, no one sees that except me. So....what would you guys do? Should I go invest in a new set of color-coordinated pjs? Or just stick with what I normally do? Clearly I need help. HELP!

B aka the Asshole. As I mentioned yesterday, I did have dinner with him last week. It was by pure coincidence that we were both available. I was actually planning on going home for dinner and eating pork, but our dog ate it. He called to see if I had any plans, I didn't, and BAM, we went to dinner. Over dinner I told him about Bryan, and how I am going to see him. B was semi-jealous, but he told me he had a date. Actually, I saw he had a date via Facebook and asked him about it. He said the girl he took to this event has a bf. I encouraged him to pursue other people should he think he might have potential with them. But he said he'd rather let me wonder. *rolls eyes* I ditched him for an entire month, you'd think he would've gotten the hint by now, but clearly hasn't. I just don't know how to end it. I am not a mean person, I can't be like, I-hate-you-B. But I also can't see him anymore, he just doesn't do it for me.

So what should I do???

Yogi. I haven't written about him here, but he's definitely an older, black, guy who works at the bus station. He originally gave me his card with his # on it months ago when I was crying over B when we broke up. Eventually I did call him so that he would have my number finally. We did talk on and off more recently, sometimes half an hour or more. In one recent conversation, he asked me what types of food I like to eat. I told him I wasn't picky, and he basically asked me to go out to eat with him at P.F. Changs sometime. I said sure, but even as I said that, I thought to myself: Is this a date? Cuz if it's a date, I am not interested. He's way too old for me. So he brought it up again in a later conversation, but I had to let him go because I had another call. Well, since then, he hasn't brought it up and whenever he calls, it's like a 5 minute convo, and all he says is, "just wanted to say hi, I don't want to take up your time," and ends the conversation. So I have no idea what his deal is. I hope he doesn't think I rejected him, because it's not like that. I just enjoy his conversation and he makes me smile.

New Bus Boy aka Alex. Last Friday I took the earlier bus home. I was wearing a simple jeans, hoodie combo. I boarded the bus, and was minding my own business when Alex sat behind me, and leaned over the seat and said, "Have you ridden this bus before?" I told him I don't usually get this one. "I haven't seen you on here, I would've noticed." We haphazardly talked through the seats until someone finally sat down beside me. I learned that he has a PhD, two masters, and grew up in Ghana. He lived in D.C. for awhile, and just moved here in June. Turns out he works right across the street from me, doing H1N1 research. Small world. Anyways, we chatted, it was polite conversation, nothing flirty at all. When I was about to get off at my stop, he passed me his business card with his cell phone # written on the back. "It was great meeting you. Call me sometime." Of course then I knew he was hitting on me. I swear sometimes I'm just too nice. Of course I didn't call him, I don't want him having my number, especially because I don't even know him yet like that. But I have emailed him, just saying hi. I definitely wouldn't date him, but I would take a walk with him on my lunch hour or something.

So given all the boys I have been juggling lately, I need a drink--or 5,980,320,721--which is why I'm so excited that I'm going to the Great American Beer Festival tonight!! Last year I had a blast. This year I'm all prepared to get drunk & have even made special pretzel necklaces in advance. I just hope I'm still hungover by tomorrow night, because I'm volunteering at the festival then.

Do you guys have any weekend plans?

WTF Tuesday

Seriously I don't understand why my Tuesdays always feel like Mondays and my Mondays feel like Tuesdays. It makes no sense.

Here's the deal kiddos, I'm in all sorts of a panic right now. I don't know exactly why but here's the deets:

1) I'm freaking out about finding a new job. HOLD ME. Yes, I have a job. I'm lucky to be employed right now, especially in this crapastic economy. But there's been more lay offs at work (mainly when I was in China) and it's got me really thinking it's only a matter of time before I'm next. And I don't want to be that person that just sits around and waits for it. I want to be the person that says "see ya suckas, I'm outta here!" and beat them to the punch. So I've been saying for months I'm going to start looking, start applying, yada yada yada. Only now it's becoming a reality. I applied for three jobs last night, and all I kept thinking was, "did my cover letter suck?" "do I really want do to this?" "what if I get an interview?" "what if they don't like me?" and so on. It really wasn't the best of times. That and I've learned that I really hate writing a cover letter. Like I have real hate for it. So much hate for it that the last real cover letter I wrote was oh, about three years ago. That's not good people. Not gonna do. Which means someone needs to liquor me up so I can write a proper one. Any takers?

2) Moving on....I'm also freaking out about B. Yes, I know I said I wasn't gonna see B anymore. I know that. But hear me out. We had dinner and a walk last week, and it was great. Like just really relaxing and I felt like myself (even tho I wasn't, I was so nervous and so I talked the entire time until the beer I drank made me normal again) and he told me he missed me while I was gone and I think he meant it. After our "date" or whatever you want to call it, I realized that I like him again. Which is not good because before I left for China, I was just having fun with no strings attached. Now all of a sudden I care if he's seeing other people (which he isn't).

I talked this over today with Linda over gchat, and basically this is what I've come up with. I blame my hormones for liking him again, but with my birthday coming up at the end of the month, I expect him to do something for my birthday. Which isn't good because I'm not his girlfriend. I guess we're dating? I have no clue. But here's the deal. I figured out that I like him and I want him to be reliable, but I don't want to call him my boyfriend because then I feel the added pressure of being in a relationship. But I definitely don't want him seeing other people, because I'm not either. So where does that leave me? I have no fucking clue. All I know is that I can't shut my mouth so I'm going to ask him about where he sees us at tomorrow when I see him for dinner.

Speaking of boys--I've been texting a guy I knew from h.s. lately. He's definitely been hitting on me which is flattering but he lives in Vermont, so there's no chance of that working out. But still, a compliment is a compliment.

3) I had something happen last night that was terrible, like TMI terrible, so stay tuned to TMI Thursday, because you're gonna wanna hear this one. It's disturbing.

I know I've been complaining all this time, so to lighten things up a bit, here's something that made me actually smile today. We all know how much I heart Taylor Swift--here she is playing a prank on the hot, hot, Keith Urban:

Dating 101

Everyone in the blogosphere seems to be serious today so I'm going to delve into myself for a moment too.

Today I had several epiphanies, but I'm going to share this one: I suck at dating. Now, usually when I date it's because of the attention. I like having control of the situation, and I like being able to reject the other person instead of vice versa. But today I realized that while dating can be fun, dating can also lead to a relationship, which can lead to the M word--marriage.

I realized that whoever I date, I should want to spend time with them. And have stuff in common. You'd think this would be painfully dating 101 info but sometimes it takes me awhile for things to sink in. I realized this, when I was hanging out with a boytoy over the weekend. Sure we had great physical chemistry and I liked being wined and dined, but when it came to actual conversation- we really had nothing to talk about. He claimed he was tired. I just looked around and people watched because I had nothing to say either. I also hate that he is so messy, which he blames on his roommates. And I hate that he watches comedy central. I'd rather waste my time watching any other channel. Seriously.

Given that ephinany, I am going to make more of a conserted effort to distinguish what I want. If I want the attention, I might as well just hook up with them. But if I want a date, I should have higher standards. Granted, you don't always know the person before you date them, so in that case, I'll play it by ear. But at least now that I'm aware of this I can change. At least I think so.

Bummer Friday

The weather pretty much reflects my mood right now...and it's cold and rainy. Super depressing for Colorado, that's for sure. Not a sign of sun out there anywhere. And I heard it's supposed to be like this all weekend.

Today was sad, because last night Bobby and I broke up. Yeah, apparently we just "weren't going to work out." Oooookay....I just hope the canceling of our relationship on Facebook isn't broadcast all over my friends' news feeds. I don't have much to say about it, I don't hate him, I'm just sad because I thought that it was going to work out. Sure I had my doubts, but I do firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. I know it, and I just need to believe in that and focus on myself. I've decided that when I move out, I'm going to live alone. I'm ready for it. Besides all this he said/she said business, my laid off coworkers left forever today. It was their last day, and well, it's just sad.

I can't wait to sleep in tomorrow and cry my eyes out and regroup. Hopefully I'll return Monday feeling like a new person. Maybe I'll even get a lil crazy and get a haircut...I know, my life is so so exciting.

What are your weekend plans?

So not ready...

I was talking with a good friend yesterday who told me that she is going to be attending 5 weddings this year. FIVE! That's crazy. "There must be something in the water," I told her. I don't get it...I am so not ready for marriage. My best friend L got engaged like two weeks ago. Her engagement ring is her birthstone, not a diamond. I'd want the cliche diamond ring BUT I don't want to get married until I'm 30 just to defy societal norms. I know, I'm full of contradictions.

Even my lil brother wondered why I wasn't married. This morning as I was taking my brother to school, he said the most outrageous thing.

"Why aren't you married?"
"I am too young."
"No you're not, you're 24."
"Maybe in 6 years when I'm 30."
"No, 2 years."
"8 years."
"No."
"Then why don't you get a boyfriend?"

I have a feeling he's been overhearing my mom talking about me to someone, because that totally sounds like a question my mom would say. *sigh* Aren't 'lil kids funny sometimes?

Weekend Recap

Friday: Went to happy hour at the Rio and enjoyed in a wonderful margarita and veggie quesadilla. Caught up with M. Went to see a condo. The room was small but the lady and the location were nice. And I randomly met her Aussie bf. It was a productive trip.

Saturday: Slept in, wasted the morning doing nothing really, and then went to a potluck with M and her bf and saw girls from the retreat I hadn't seen in awhile. It was nice and fun, lots of good company, new people to meet, and games. And I loved their house but turns out I was in Five Points and I didn't even know it. After the potluck, I felt bummed about moving so I went to the mall. I know, probably not the best idea, but whatevs. I did save $10, and came away with a new sweater, a new pair of Levi's, and some other article of clothing that I can't remember at the moment. Went home, and partook in beef stroganoff courtesy of the roommate and the bf. Enjoyed lively conversation which included drunk stories. Very entertaining. Then finally headed to bed.

Sunday: Woke up early, went to church early (yes I did make it to church this weekend) and then watched Amazing Race and Brothers and Sisters and even cleaned my room (a lil bit) and then enjoyed brie and crackers with M and the bf. And pretty much just ate dinner, talked more with M, and watched the newest episode of Amazing Race. That's about it.

I did not see Bobby this weekend due to his change in availability. I really didn't feel like seeing him last night after 5, so we've made plans to go to First Friday (the art kind) on Friday (duh) with a possible lunch date this week (tba).

Weekend Recap

Wow I can't believe another week has passed already. I mean seriouslyyy, where the heck does the time go? Although, I'm glad it is a new week and so far it has been nothing like last week. Ick. Work has slowed down a bit. I suppose I should give ya'll my weekend recap so here it is:

Friday: Came home & vegged on the couch. Watched reality tv and lost some brain cells.

Saturday: Slept in, stayed in my pjs all day...but I did get my taxes done!!! I used Tax Act because it was cheaper than Turbo Tax. And really, it just took me forever because I kept second guessing myself. And my uncle taught me about deductions. I do owe on my Federal, but I also get a bigger refund from the state, so it all evens out. Then made chicken scampi with M and drank wine and watched tv and painted my nails.

Sunday: Woke up at the obnoxious hour of 7am. Why? I have no idea. I think I was nervous for my date. Date you ask? Yeah, I had one. *shrugs* Since I woke up early, I had plenty of time to get ready and then drove downtown. We were supposed to meet at 10:30 at the art museum but that didn't happen exactly. Turns out the museum was hosting some special photo seminar for National Geographic Traveler, so they didn't open till noon.

To kill time we walked around and then on the way back, he had the brilliant idea of popping into the liquor store to get some booze, eating some lunch, and then going to the museum tipsy. I was game, because it reminded me of senior year of college when I'd have Wine Wednesdays before staff meetings. But back to the date. We walked in the liquor store which was playing some Jesus music, and the cashier had his mini chihuahua dog. I got a pint of Smirnoff vodka, and he opted for Barcardi rum. Then we made our way to Tokyo Joe's where we ate and drank "lemonade."

After that we walked back to the museum, but only after he took a picture of me standing underneath a huge cow sculpture. Lovely. We explored the museum, and time really did fly. And it was really fun. I'll never think of the museum in the same way. Midway through the museum I somehow agreed to watch WALL-E, which was not disappointed with. And we grabbed more booze at the liquor store and ate Quiznos for din din. It was definitely the longest date I've ever had, but I'd see him again.

Monday: Am slightly hungover, but ate a greasy $5 burger at lunch with preggers coworker and my meeting got cancelled. Wahoo. Lookin forward to watching the Bachelor tonight and getting to bed early.

p.s. I hate having the shakes when I'm hungover. I googled it and apparently having the shakes means it's really alcohol withdrawl. yuck.

Weekend recap

Friday night I watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist--I thought it was super cute and totally worth it being free courtesy of another promo code for Redbox. After that, I fell asleep. It's been a long two weeks. Anyone else with me? Suffice it to say, when I woke up on Saturday morning with 12 hours of sleep under my belt, I felt damn good. That is until I told my mom. "Are you depressed?" Was her reaction to my glorious hours of sleep. Of course not. *rolls eyes*

After getting up on Saturday, I lazily sat on the couch and watched the Nights of Rodanthe, another freebie courtesy of Redbox. Seriously, halfway through I was in love with this movie. I even wanted to see it again that day. Until the end when I was sobbing on the couch alone with my snowman fleece blanket. No one told me this was a sad movie!! I should've known when I saw based off a book by Nicholas Sparks because he never ever writes anything happy. There's always something sad going on. *shakes head* Anyways, I finished the movie, wiped my tears away and then forced myself to get out of the apartment. I got a massage. It was glorious for the most part. The downside was that the therapist kept wanting to "go deeper" and apply more pressure. All I wanted was a relaxation massage--not a torture session. But I'm glad I went. It was worth the $25 I paid. And I'd go again of course.

After that I went to Smashburger and ate dinner, and then came home to find M and her bf dressed up. I was so out of it. It was probably only like 6pm and I was ready for sleep again. In my defense though, it really has been a long couple of weeks filled with less sleep and I think I might be getting a cold, so you really can't blame me for wanting sleep. I was about to take a nap aka sleep for the night at the ridiculous hour of like 7:30pm, when I received a cute text from Bobby. "Is it too late to take you out on Valentines Day?" It was unexpected, as him and I don't really communicate on a regular basis. For some strange reason, I replied "No." I then proceeded to get all clean and glammed up and met him at the Falling Rock Taphouse for drinks and food. It was good conversation.

I was nervous. I'll admit that. I was nervous for several reasons: 1) I haven't been on a bonafide date since Jeffrey aka July '08. (I don't count NYE as a date, because it was a concert) 2) Bobby's older. (Yes I seem to attract older ones, but I'll admit their age mildly intimiates me sometimes) 3) see reasons 1 & 2.

Bobby's a homebrewer, so I knew that I threw him a bone by offering to meet him at a taphouse. I did let him choose my beers for me, and I enjoyed his suggestions. We split bar food and talked about a variety of topics, all of which were PG, which is how I like it, especially on a first date with an older man. Bobby was much more of a gentleman than I would've thought--but it could also be too early to tell. He did walk me to my car in freezing weather and didn't force a kiss. And, he even cared enough to know if I got home safely and said thanks for meeting him. So he's on my good side at the moment. We've made plans to see each other again on Sunday; he's taking me to the art museum. Which I haven't been too. But we both enjoy art-even if he likes the scary, abstract kinds. So I think we'll have stuff to talk about. At least he wants to see me again. Not too shabby. I enjoyed his company, so I'm optimistic of more hanging out time. I don't see anything long term developing, but I'm not sure I'm looking for that. I'm not looking for just random hook ups either. I'm just ready to see what's out there and date. There's nothing wrong with that, right? Right.

On Sunday I slept in, went to the store, cooked for once, and then went to the Rage game with Jessica, her 3 year old kid, her friend Brett, and her mom & friends. This was the first Rage game I went to, and I really enjoyed it. I also got a free ticket, and saw my uncle and aunt and baby Ben. Oh, and my aunt learned from the other hockey player's girlfriends that the goalie is totally hot and single (her words, not mine). So I told her to introduce me--what do I have to lose? I will admit that later when I got home, I did look up his name on the website's roster to see his picture. And he's definitely delicious--er, handsome. Yea, handsome. So we'll see.

After the game, I went home and had steak and lobster with my mom, and then watched Amazing Race. It was amazing. I thought the cheese part was hilarious. Seriously! I love this show and can't wait to see next weeks.

The weekend doesn't end there folks, I had yesterday off too. Yeahhhh, I was so excited, I reminded M of it at least fifty times throughout the weekend. I didn't get MLK day off like everyone else in America did (or seemed to) so I was happy to finally get my day off. I slept in (are you surprised?) and then met by best friend in the entire world Beth, for lunch and a movie. We ate at Mimi's, and I tried the Greek Chicken bowl. It was okay, but I think overpriced. Next time I'll stick to my old standby--cobb salad without egg with ranch on the side. After lunch and catching up--I haven't seen her since December (sad!)--we went and saw Confessions of a Shopaholic. I thought it was cute, but I think I liked He's Just Not That Into You better. And apparently the movie isn't really close to the book at all. I wouldn't know, but that was Beth's take on it. After that we walked around Target. I was just in the best mood ever because I finally got to see her, it was my day off, and I could do whatever I wanted to.

After she left, I went shopping at Kohl's and bought a dress for Easter. And it's super cute, but today I think I don't like it that much so I'm gonna take it back and save myself $40. After shopping, it was already 5 by the time I got home and made dinner and caught up with M. Then we went to Michaels (more about this in the next post) and watched the Bachelor. I can't believe he ditched Jillian!! She was my favorite--I really saw them fitting together. I really don't like either of the ones that are left but you know I'll still watch. Anyways, it was a great three-day weekend. And today certainly felt like a Monday, even though it's a Tuesday. Here's to another long week...

We've got all our lives to...

In keeping with my very Zen like mood, I have recently had a mini epiphany of sorts. I owe it all to SA (self-absorbed), who was complaining about how they hadn't had a date in over a year. They are disappointed that they will be spending their Valentine's Day with their grandma instead of on a date. Up until New Years Eve, I hadn't kissed any boys in 4 months. I reminded them that technically we have the rest of our lives to date/to find that special someone, so it shouldn't matter that they haven't had a date in awhile. Who cares if you haven't kissed anyone or had a date in over a year. When you think of it that way--that we have all the time in the world to settle down--it makes a single gal feel alot better and less pressured to have a committed relationship. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely anti-commitment folks out there, but just because you don't have a date, or a bf, or a husband, that shouldn't mean you're self worth should plummet. SA does have a self-worth issue, but I digress. For Valentine's Day, I will just enjoy my time--maybe I'll go for a hike if the weather is nice, or cozy up in bed with a good book. What I will not do is pity myself for spending it alone; I will enjoy it.

On a side note, I do know that my mom wants me to date--she made it painfully clear last weekend when she pointed to the church bulletin announcement about the "Metro Catholic Singles Night." *rolls eyes*

Speaking of Valentines day, I did read about an interesting concept today regarding gifts. Your Secret Gift allows you send gifts anonymously. They even have different categories to choose from--support & encouragement; love & flirtation; religious & spiritual; politics; and people & pets. You can browse the appropriate category to find the right gift. And you can also choose to send the gift non-anonymously if you want to. They have cute teddy bears, inspirational books, etc.