Another bites the dust

Two weekends ago, I went to the Greek festival with catholic boy...

...and broke up with him.

In the weeks before "the talk" we had made some progress.

He had asked me to be in a relationship with him on Facebook, which I was totally not expecting and said, "can i think about that?" My response didn't sit well with him at all.

Then we had a heart to heart and basically didn't bring it up again. I thought about his question though, and as much as he is a nice guy, he isn't the right one for me. He had very strong feelings for me, including butterflies in his stomach, but I worried a lot that I would never be able to return said feelings.

A week later, we had a late-night discussion about friends. I was thinking that maybe if he met my friends I could tell whether or not he could hold his own. I thought that would make my decision to be or not be with him that much clearer and easier. But when I asked him if he would be comfortable meeting my friends, he wasn't enthused. And when I asked him if I could meet his friends, he straight out said, "you wouldn't like them. they aren't like you. they are atheist and vuglar." To which I replied, "you are so sweet, I can't imagine you hanging out with such people."

After we parted ways that night, I couldn't stop shaking my head. Something felt off. Something wasn't right. I still don't know exactly what it was, but I have learned from my past that I should always trust my gut, and in this situation, my gut was telling me to listen. So I did.

He had never been to the Greek festival before, so I thought, the best thing I can do is give him a good memory of it. We went to the liquor store beforehand where we bought shooters of various alcohol, and stopped at a nearby KFC to eat some fried chicken beforehand. After all, you can shouldn't eat on an empty stomach.

We listened to music, people watched, and drank. It was enjoyable. Then it was time to have "the talk." He noticed something wasn't right but I didn't want to have "the talk" in public. I wanted to do it alone, somewhere quiet.

So I told him it was time to leave and went to this church which had a lovely garden. It was near where I had parked. I told him that something felt off to me and that I think we would be better off as friends. He cried (a tear or two) and then went into a bout of self-pity. It was pretty sad to watch, but I tried to reassure him it wasn't anything specific that he had done, we just weren't the right fit.

We talked and he asked me if I wanted to be friends...to which I said, sure, let's give it a try. Only at the end of the conversation, in which he told me he is an atheist (yet he didn't even know what that word meant when I asked him so), he changed that to, can we be friends with benefits?

Um, what? I didn't expect that at all, although in hindsight I should've known. He is a boy after all.

Fast forward to this past weekend where we saw each other for the first time since the break up. I had actually 100% made up my mind that I only wanted to be friends. I even suggested he come over and play cards. He did come over but he definitely pressed for more than friends, to which I had to reject him. I felt good about my decision and he was respectful of it. We did end up cuddling on the couch though. And let me tell you, he is an amazing cuddler! But, I have made up my mind, I am not going to go into the friends with benefits zone.

We are set to watch fireworks on Sunday. Hopefully it isn't awkward.


Have you been friends with benefits with someone you've dated before? Did it have a happy ending?

Reality Check

Figuratively, I've been hiding out lately. I've been in my own bubble of thoughts.

Basically, I've been interviewing my butt off, and still not getting any job offers. It's SO FRUSTRATING! I've even asked the hiring managers why I didn't get it, and they all basically say, "it's not you, it's me." That doesn't help. People keep telling me that the right job will come along...and I believe that for all of 2.5 seconds, before I think to myself, "yea right, you're not the one spending $100 on new 'interviewing clothes,' you're not the one requesting all these odd half-days off from work, you're not the one doing writing tests once a week and taking returning calls from potential employers while hiding out in your car for fear that a coworker might overhear. Basically, you have no idea what it's like" <---- that's what I want to say.

In the mean time, I've gotten a second job just for the holiday season at the mall. It's not the most glamorous but I'm hoping it'll be worth it. I haven't been sleeping well because I keep dreaming about the job and what I need to remember and how to work the cash register and how I can improve so I don't get fired. Oh, and I'm having trouble with anxiety of the job hunt and of the low low low balance of my savings account. I feel defeated that I'm never gonna be able to afford my own place.

I've also been whining about why I'm not in a relationship. Even people I don't even like have significant others and it's like, why don't I get what I want? Yes, I'm selfish or jealous or whatever. But at least I'm being honest. Even the not attractive looking girls that I work with at my other job have boyfriends and I'm wayyy cuter and sweeter than they are. Just sayin'. It's not fair.

So anyways, I've been keeping all these thoughts in my head. It wasn't until Monday night that I finally got a reality check. I had dinner with my best friend from grade school. She cooked me and her husband dinner. It was great. It was at dinner that I started on my rant about how I'm not getting a new job. She actually reminded me that a lot of people don't even have one job, much less two like I do. She reminded me that I'm thankful to be living at home and not homeless.

And then she shared some of her own news that she's expecting! I seriously was beyond thrilled for her and her husband. Seriously, I can't wait. They are going to be cute parents and the baby is going to be so cute, and they are going to have a cute family.

Ok, I'll stop saying cute now. But really, I was truly happy for her. I wasn't envious of the wonderful life she has. It was hearing this news that popped my inner bubble I was living in and made me see that there are other things out there to be thankful for. Since then, I have new perspective on the things that I'm going through. It doesn't hurt to have wonderful things to look forward to either.


How have you all been?

Acceptance & Rejection

The past two weeks have seemed like months to me because I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Oh wait, that sounds gross. I mean...I've been like a goose trying to lay a golden egg. (Clearly a Willa Wonka & The Chocolate Factory reference).

That golden egg for me would be a new job. I obviously don't hate my current job. In fact, there are times that I downright--dare I say--love it. But the reality of my current position is that everyone in my office is old and will be here forever and that translates to me never getting a promotion with a hefty pay raise. That is, unless I want to be here forever too, which I don't, especially when I see that positions at other companies pay more.

It's obviously not all about the money either. But it's a definite perk. Having extra money in a paycheck every month would help with bills, but also aid in the process of me moving out of my parent's house so that I can have some semblance of a life.

It all started a few weeks ago when I received a LinkedIn request from someone I don't know in real life. I read her message saying her company had an opening in an office here, and would I like to talk with her? Sure, I had nothing to lose. I did a phone screen with her and that lead to an interview with an editor for a business-y publication.

I haven't interviewed for a job in like forever, so I had a lot of anxiety about it, but I did it. I thought it was alright. I didn't mess up per se but I also was nervous and could have been more aggressive. I didn't hear back from that one so I'm assuming I didn't get it.

I did that interview, then kinda just went back to normal life until I got another e-mail from the HR lady saying there was the same position open at another one of their publications, and would I like to talk with the editor of that one? Sure. That phone interview went well, and the editor said she'd e-mail me an editing test. Ya know, to see if I can actually prove I know proper grammar.

I looked at it, and not only was there an editing test but there was an assignment to write an article for their publication about this new bill and figure out who it will matter to and why. Let me remind you, for this publication, it's all about life insurance.

Um, it took me two freakin' days to figure what the hell an annuity was and why I care. Not to mention, I had to call and talk with people about this stuff and basically pretend like I know what an AMT (alternative minimum tax) is. In the midst of all this work I had to do for the article last week I met with the life insurance publication's group editor, whom I really loved. He was easy going and relaxed and just like awesome. I was super comfortable with him and I definitely know that I did my best in that interview as well.

After making my brain hurt all last week, I finally turned in the article and all the tests in this past Friday. Let me tell you, I was relieved that it was over. In some ways, I am glad I had to do all those things because I really made me realize I don't want to work in that industry. It's just not fun.


While all of this is happening, I've also had a phone interview with a different company for a position I actually want. I had my last face-to-face interview yesterday and I think it went well. I honestly can say I did my best and am just waiting to hear back now. My friend who works for that company said they really liked me and had nothing negative to say about my interview. She also forewarned me that the other candidate I'm up against has like double the experience I do (which is like um...why aren't you applying for OTHER JOBS YOU MORON).

I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much but I honestly do want this one. It's hard to go through all of this work of prepping for the interview questions, figuring out what to wear, and taking random half days off of work to go to these interviews. It's all draining and exhausting and you feel like you're never gonna make it.

I obviously felt like I was on a high when I had all these people wanting me, but now that it's all over, I'm like good riddance. I feel like my confidence has taken a major hit because I just found out in a one line e-mail today that I didn't get the life insurance jobs. Obviously, I didn't want them, but even saying that doesn't make me feel better. It's still like shoot...bummer...crap. But, at the same time, I honestly don't think I would've jumped ship to a job that I wouldn't really enjoy. Not to mention that office was like hella far away from where I live, and I'd probably go insane dealing with all the traffic on the highway.

I know that things happen for a reason. I know that I had to apply to a bazillion jobs before I got this one. I know the job hunt will be worth it at some point. I definitely am job hunt happy right now, and even might be motivated to write a damn cover letter (which is like pulling teeth for me). I know I can ace interviews and have valuable skills and am pretty much awesome. Now I'm just waiting for the right job to come at the right time.

Fear vs Freedom

Earlier this week I attended a potluck at Floozy's house. See, I've belonged to this local media women's e-mail list serv for like three years, but have never made it to one of their monthly potlucks or weekly schmooze's. I just lurk online instead.

Of course I was the youngest person there, but I wasn't surprised by that. My other coworker had warned me already about that. I had no expectations going into it, and I have to say that I had a rather pleasant evening. Wow, I sound old. I mean, I had an evening without awkwardness.

The ladies were all nice and all of them couldn't believe that I had been at my current job for almost four years. I'm not sure if that was because I look really young, or because that's just a really long to stay at a job. Although, one of them made me feel better by telling me that she had stayed at her first job for seven years.

At one point I remarked how I want to try something else but I also don't want to jump from job to job to avoid being laid off. "Fear is a great motivator," said one lady. It got me to thinking about all of the things I'm fearful of.

I don't know when I began to let fear in, but I would like to lessen its current role. As a kid I lived without fear--I jumped off the diving board and risked it turning into a belly flop, or rolled down a hill without worrying that I'd hit my head on a rock.

I'd like to get back to that place of total freedom, but today I took a small step--I applied for three jobs. I didn't let my inner critic prevent me from submitting my cover letter, and I wasn't afraid to put down the magic number I want for my next salary. I just uploaded everything and hit the submit button. It felt good.

Life is hard

Over the weekend I had a lot of ups and downs.

Ups: Spending quality time with friends, my 'lil bro, and getting free fro yo.

Downs: Having my little brother who is 10 leave my entire cd collection on top of my car and me driving away and having it be GONE FOREVER AND EVER. I literally had a temper tantrum when I got home, complete with crying hysterically and saying "it's not fair" over and over and over again.

I've been really touchy lately and sensitive and overall just a ball of hormones and it wasn't until I was driving home on Monday that I realized what this all is: STRESS.

Apparently my way of dealing with stress is to just cry. and cry. and cry. oh, and yell. and then stop crying. and then apologize for the yelling. Um, yea...not exactly the most healthy way to deal with it, huh?

So now my mission is to figure out why I'm stressed and figure out what de-stresses me. Is it cooking? Is it yoga? Is it kickboxing? Is it writing? I HAVE NO IDEA. But I do know something's gotta change because it's not fair to my family or my friends.

I was playing phone tag with my uncle all day on Monday, and of course getting frustrated as to why everytime I called him he was busy and vice versa. Finally he called me back while I was in the middle of making dinner. He asked me how I was doing and I immediately started venting about how much my life sucks and how my cd collection is gone and how I might lose my job and how my cell phone sucks. I basically used the word sucks like a billion times in the span of like, 15 minutes.

Then of course without even realizing it, he made me feel better. He commiserated with me about my expensive car repairs and offered to give me the names of people he knows to help me with getting my own place (someday) and a bunch of other stuff. I'd forgotten what a great person he is.

Finally he got around to telling me why he called me in the first place. Turns out he wants me to be his second son's godmother. SERIOUSLY. I'm gonna be a godmother! I don't even know what that means exactly, but it already makes me wanna spoil my cousin, who's only like five months old.

It's funny how life works out like this--just when I wanna give up and crawl into a cave and never come out again--something awesome happens.

Life is fragile

Where have I been?

I'll tell you where I've been.

At the hospital. On and off since Wednesday.

I wasn't the one taken to the ER room. My mom was. She was poked and prodded, IVed up, cried, laughed, and sorta of slept. Oh, and she got like four units of O positive blood.

The hospital is not a happy place. Although our nurse Sarah was a delight. She was positive and caring and just overall had very nice bedside manners.

But it's pretty depressing to be in the hospital. The unknown is scary. Not mention that unless you're in the baby wing, there's really not a lot of people that are healthy. In fact, I bet a lot of people are dying.

Thankfully my mom is at home now, where I've been caring for her because no one else in my family is around. There's a lot of decisions that have to be made in the coming days, but I am thankful for my life.

Life is fragile.

For Brandy

{Please repost if you care to...}

My name is Brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He’s a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He’s the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He’s the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He’s a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He’s made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He’s listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He’s recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He’s the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I’m overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren’t sure what’s happening. He’ll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what’s going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as ‘brandy’s hot awesome dude’). If you don’t pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven’t seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I’m throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn’t a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It’s just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven’t already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.