Exactly six months ago, I decided since it was a new year, it was going to be my year of not making the same mistakes again. Specifically with boys.
Now, we all know how I made the mistake of going to Vermont to spend a weekend with Special Agent man. I thought it was going to be a you+me kind of weekend, but it turned out to be a my-flight-got-in-late-and-you-invited-your-best-gay-friend-to-hang-out-with-us-all-weekend-so-I'm-going-to-leave-you-and-hang-out-with-my-bff-in-NH-instead kind of weekend.
Since then, I haven't really talked with Special Agent man. I don't hold any ill will towards him, but I'm over the whole flirting with him game. At one point after our trip, he said he might come home to attend his sister's wedding. He talked about taking me on a possible impromptu road trip, and gave me compliments about how much he missed my company. I'll admit, I was secretly hoping for the road trip part. But of course when he texted me last week, he confirmed that he wasn't coming home for the wedding, but that he "might be home in October." (OR NOT. #justsayin) So I'm not holding my breath on that one.
Then there's Alex, who used to literally work a block away from me. We never went out or anything, but we used to occasionally email each other or randomly talk on the bus. And again, I wasn't interested in him at all, he just was too old for me--I think he's like 30-something.
Last month during one weekend, I happened to be on Facebook and he was on there. We started chatting, and basically he told me that all this time he's been wanting to ask me out on a date, which honestly, my intuition told me that he might have more interest than friends, but I was always quick to say that I had some plans for that night or weekend, because I didn't feel comfortable going anywhere with him. I just told him that I wasn't interested in dating anyone right now, to which he replied, "I wish I could go out with you and spend more time with you. You never know, you might fall in love." UM, WHAT? I negatively answered that I don't fall in love with anyone, but by the end of our conversation, he still seemed to hold out hope that once I actually started to date, he'd be the first one on my list. (NO.)
Now here's the boy that I really was intending this post to talk about--the Asshole. Basically, I was that girl. The girl that flirted with him, went out with him, actually dated, then broke up with, and then hooked up with, and then decided we-are-just-friends with. The last time I saw him was the first week of January. I mistakenly thought that we could be capable of being just friends. I really believed that we could just grab dinner together and catch up and then I would go home and everything would be great.
Well, of course he didn't think of it that way, and of course we didn't just have dinner. I remember at the time when we were hooking up that night that I really was over him. I didn't have any doubts, and I wasn't even attracted to him anymore. I remember being so bored that I was trying to talk about where we should eat while he was all over me. Basically I promised myself that I could never go back to him. That I was over him and done making the same mistakes over and over and over again.
And that mentality has gotten me pretty far this year. I haven't seen him since that day almost six months ago. I have talked with him on Facebook chat or replied to his texts, but I've never implied that I want to anything besides have a friend to go hiking or to dinner with. I've made it clear that I don't like him that way anymore. And I really thought he got the point. Until this week. All this week, he's been texting me and Facebooking me to come over.
Saying no to him is the easy part. The part that is hard is my self-doubt that seems to be creeping up on me. For some reason, for every time I say no to him, another thought comes into my head that says, "say yes. You haven't kissed anyone in six months, and look how far it's gotten you. What's your reward for being so 'good?'" To which myself responds, "well, I haven't dated or kissed anyone in six months because I have higher standards now. I'm not gonna make the same mistakes anymore. I know I won't find fulfillment by kissing a random dude at a club. I'm over it, and if I have to wait another six months until a boy worth my time shows up, then so be it."
Yea, my internal dialogue can be quite lengthy. But you get my point. I know the Asshole is bad news. I know it, but it's hard to be optimistic all the time. Seriously, for the past six months, I haven't had any desire to go on a date, much less make out with anyone. I've been content with myself.
But the reason why I might be having this pity party for myself is because two weeks ago when I was on my flight to New York, I met someone. A boy, who obviously is black (because that's all I attract). Anyways, we talked for a bit. I learned he went to school about an hour away from me, and that he was coming back on the same flight as me that weekend.
Well, turns out our return flight was delayed. I had already drank a glass of red wine to kill the time, but we ended up running into each other by the gate. We talked for an hour about our families, our music tastes, and about Facebook. He gave me his email address so I could friend him, and we said our goodbyes. Well, I ended up friending him. He wrote on my wall saying thanks for adding me. Flash forward to a few comments back and forth--he asked me to lunch.
At first I thought, oh sure, that's fine, because honestly I just thought of him as a friend. But then the more I thought about it, the more I felt like he was wanting more than friends, and that's definitely something I don't want with him because he's too young for me (21) and I know we wouldn't make it long term. But when I asked a couple of my guy friends what I should do, they said I should say yes and then cancel on him at the last minute so "he knows he's not important." I personally thought that was mean. I'd rather be honest.
What I ended up doing was saying yes via Facebook, but secretly hoping he wouldn't follow up. And he didn't. Which makes me relieved. And if he does end up apologizing and asking me out again, this time I'm going to invite him to one of my many summer festival plans I have with my friends or I won't respond at all. I figure if he really just wants to be my friend, he'll be fine hanging out with my friends, and if he says no, then I know he really wasn't looking for friendship after all.
So, make me feel better. Tell me the good guys do exist. Or that you can relate. Or pretty much anything.