Friday, April 18, 2008

Whacked out Dreams

One unique quality of myself is that I often have very vivid, detailed, dreams. Take for example last night. So I'm heading off to the Outer Banks this weekend for a wedding, so I had to do some last minute shopping last night. Then, M and I had to book our flight from Denver to NYC, so that we can catch our flight from NYC to Paris ontime. That was stressful!!! We'd find a good price, then go to orbitz or and then the flight wouldn't be found and the fare would increase by like $50 all in a span of like 5 minutes. Made no freakin' sense! An hour and a half later, we had finally booked one. FINALLY. I talked to S for awhile and then just was so freakin tired that I thought I would sleep soundly. Well, turns out while I was physically tired, my brain wouldn't stop thinking. Which leads me to my whacked out dreams...enjoy.

I was in a mega church. It definitely wasn't Catholic, that's for sure. So I was in the audience with my family when the Rev. or preacher, sat in the row behind me and started preaching from the Bible. and he would ask ppl in the congregation questions, and of course I avoided all eye-contact but he asked me what this specific passage meant. and with all the people in church staring at me, I said, "I don't know." And he was like, read it again. So I read it again, and I said, well maybe this means God's love is everlasting and that we need to rely on Him. And the preacher was like, no, no, God's love isn't everlasting. And then he called on someone else. And I remember thinking, no, you're wrong. And so is this church. And I looked down at the Bible they had, and it had this chapter on evil things. And I remember thinking, this isn't the right church for me. And thinking that my friend Ashley would say these people are wrong.

So then after the preacher was done, all these people snuck out of church, including me and my family. Well, as soon as we left, we entered in this hallway. See, the church was inside this building, like in a big room. And so when we got out in the hallway, I saw across the hall that there was this other room. Only this room was filled with like Quakers, and I like looked in the room and saw all these people in old-fashioned clothes and they were yelling and singing all at the same time. Well then I looked in the corner of the room, and there was this closet door shut and this piano was pushed against it. And somehow, I don't know how, but I knew that my dog Hailey was trapped inside of it. I could hear her yelping and I knew that the Quakers didn't like dogs. So I told my family, and I said, "we have to get Hailey out of there!" So we snuck into the room, and somehow as soon as we were close enough to the closet door, Hailey crawled under the piano and was out and she was so excited to be free. She was jumping up and down and licking me. So then my family and I raced out of the church building and into the 4Runner.

When we got to the car, it was snowy and the roads were slushy, and we saw this Yukon truck almost crash into another car because they slipped on the roads. And I told my Dad, who was driving, I said, "go slow, we don't want to get into an accident." So we got to the house, but this wasn't my parent's house. We were in my Uncle's house. And then they went away and my uncle was there, and I remember telling him about my trip to New York. And he's like, "when are you going?" And I said, "In May. Let me just double check what time I'm leaving." Well then I found my e-mail with the dates, and I realized that I had booked a flight for April and not May. And I totally started to panic in my dream. And I wanted to cry, because I knew that I had gotten it through Orbitz, and I knew that the ticket was nonrefundable, and I knew that if I could change it, it would cost more money--money I didn't have to waste. So I called the 1800 number, and I got this agent, who was a lady. And I made up this story about how I know I was supposed to fly out in April, but I really needed May, and how my internet cut out when I was booking the tickets, and how I changed the dates after that happened and figured the ticket would reflect that and how I really needed to change my flight. And the lady was really nice, she was like okay, let me see what I can do. And I don't know if I got the flight or not because I woke up.

Dream analysis: I'm pretty sure the Bible thing came from S, because he had sent me the verse of the day, and I had asked him a question about it, and he said he would explain later. Which never happened because like I said, I was exhausted and he was on the bus on his way home anyways. And Hailey--she was probably in it because I saw my family last night for dinner and thought of her. And obviously, the Orbitz drama was because I had actually put in the wrong dates at one point last night. I remember cuz M and I were hootin and hollerin with joy because the price was seriously like a $100 less than what we ended up paying, BUT I had accidentally put in Saturday and Sunday, as in 2 days, not a whole 6 days. So that was part of that. And I guess the slushy roads had to have come from earlier this week when it was slushy outside. And my uncle, I talked to him the other day, so that's probably why he was in there. Either way, clearly I was stressed out.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Don't get comfortable

I think this is a theme in life: Don't get comfortable. Why? Because that's exactly what happens. The minute you get comfortable, whether that be with a routine, or a job, or friends, things change. It's just inevitable. Hence, it's almost a good thing to not get comfortable, because those situations challenge you. Having those uncomfortable situations help you grow, and learn about yourself and how you deal with such challenges. This is not to say that I completely loveeee being in those types of situations, because I don't. M recently passed along this blog entry from a friend of hers. Enjoy.

Judy T., one of the heads of our Manresa program said about my phone metaphor for God that perhaps my phone had been ringing for a while. I always say that my experience of God is like that guy you need in a bar. A few drinks and a bad decision later, you give him your phone number. From then on, he proceeds to call you at the one o'clock hour, just when you are comfortable, when you are settled in your plans. And if you don't pick up the phone he psycho dials (yes, God is a psycho dialer). And when you finally pick up the phone to protest-- It was a one time thing God. I am not looking for a relationship-- he pushes you harder to change your plans. Yes, as soon as my plans are made for the next step in my life, as soon as I am comfortable, I get a booty call from God. God always wants me to do something for God.

I definitely agree with this blogger when she said, just as you get comfortable, something changes. It's totally true. I think in some sense, I like this about life. I mean, I like to be challenged. Heck, am forcing myself to be uncomfortable by going abroad to Paris. But uncomfortable situations can come when you least expect it, and when you aren't the ones behind it. It could be God, it could be a friend, or a family member. Take for example, S. He and I would get into this routine of talking or hanging out every week until he got arrested. Now he doesn't have a license (it's not because he's guilty, it's identity theft), and due to his busy school schedule, we probably won't see each other for another two weeks. And as far as the calling thing goes, he had to go away for the weekend, and we didn't really talk. Which was ok with me. Okay, I realize this wasn't the best example, but you get my drift.

Growth and progress happen when we least expect it.

Independent Woman

I wonder what it means today to be an independent woman. I know I struggle with it. Take for example, dating. Now, generally the guy is supposed to pay, right? Well, I've talked to men about this, and often times men will pay, but they don't want to feel obligated to do so. They want the women to at least offer, and not assume anything.

So, given that information, awhile back, I was out to dinner with S. And when the check came, I said, "let me see it." "No, I got it," he said. "Are you sure? Cuz I can get mine--we can split it." "No, I'm positive," he said. "O.K." I just couldn't wrap my head around it, so I let it go. Well, then not too long afterwards, M and I were at the Denver Diner eating a late dinner when S texted to see where we were. S joined us and ate and we all talked for several hours until M was bleary-eyed and delirious. So then the check came, and mind you, M and I had already ordered by the time S got there. Well, what did S do? He paid! For both M and I! I really really didn't get it. I mean, he didn't have to do that at all. But he said because he was invited, he wanted to. That makes NO sense to me. I'm invited all the time to things, dinners, events, etc. If I go out with my girlfriends, we always split things. It's never, like oh, let me get that. So, I still hadn't said anything, just was like, ok, if you're sure...go ahead and pay. thanks.

well, then another time shortly after that, at the same place, S and I were there. I had already eaten dinner but he hadn't. We ended up ordering dessert--apple pie for me and cherry for him. So mind you, all I had was a piece of pie, that's it. And when the check came, I offered to pay for it. And he's like, no, I got it. And this is when I lost it. I had to, HAD to, ask him why he does that--pay. He said he does it out of the goodness of his heart; that he wants to pay. And I'm like, but that makes no sense, I offered and you said no. And he's like, "well, did you want to pay because you felt like it or because you felt that was the right thing to do?" and I said "well, of course I offered because I felt like it was the right thing to do. Because I'm used to splitting things when I go out or paying my share." And he said, "see, you should only offer to pay if you feel like it in your heart."

Of course this made me feel bad about not "feeling" like paying, which I told him. but I do get his point. and I even said, okay, I will pay this summer when I drag you to all the festivals I want to go to, because that is something I genuinely enjoy. Of course when I told my mom about these situations and how I was so incredulous as to why S paid, she said "shut up and let him do it."

Since then, we have switched off paying, which in some ways, makes me feel better. It makes me feel like am still independent, which is something I want. I don't want to be that bimbo blonde that is so clueless about things. No, I want to be the gorgeous brunette with a good head on her shoulders. The type of woman that can be independent and have strong opinions, but still be maternal and open-minded. I know this will take time, but for now, I appreciate S's attempts to pay with a smile and a thanks, knowing that I will be able to pay next time.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Karma's a bitch

So awhile back, oh maybe Januaryish, a good friend of mine invited me to partake in a week long cruise to the Caribbean. I was hesitant at first but she assured me that all of it would be paid for, even convinced me that we should go on the earlier cruise rather than the one in February. I figured, heck, if it's free, I'll go. Well, I was never entirely 100% excited, I was nervous because I've never been on a cruise, and I'd be around alot of ocean, which unfortunately, the ocean and I are still on the outs. Anyways, I knew she was excited, she'd IM me practically everyday and tell me so. Well as the trip was drawing nearer, and I was asking for days off from work, she changed her mind. All of a sudden she told me, "oh my boss needs me to work, so I can't go. I'm gonna lose $2,000. This sucks." Later, I come to find out via facebook, that she is taking the same girl she took on a cruise last year. Of course she didn't bother to be honest with me. And of course, I was honest with her, and confronted her via IM. No response. Seriously, all I wanted was an apology. Three days, three IMs, and three phone calls later, she finally apologized.

Where does karma's a bitch come into play you ask? Today. For the sake of the convo below, we'll name "good friend" as SA, for self-absorbed. Read the convo below....

SA: hey i have a question
SA: are you really really busy at work this month
well we have our peak times, and i only have one artist this month so it's not as intense as other months
SA: aww thats not bad
are you busy this month
SA: umm sorta kinda
SA: i have this issue...i bought a 700 dollar trip to the bahamas next weekend saturday-tuesday with my friend kristina and she cant go i either go alone, find a new friend, or forfit....any chance in hell you'd be interested?
SA: it already paid for you just need 2 days off and to get to florida
aw man, i would love to but i'm gonna be out of town for a wedding from sat-monday
SA: awww i see
me: good luck!

Good luck indeed.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008


So I took my frustration and myself out to lunch with a coworker and vented about things, and basically what the overriding theme seemed to be was BALANCE. As in, balance of busy-ness, as in balance of alone time versus time with others, including family, friends, and coworkers, and balance at work--of freelance versus real job working. What's funny is that when I came out of college, I really thought I had the balance thing down to a T. In fact, I would help others saying, you'll just have to figure out the balance between classes and play time. But now it's like, I need to take my own advice. Of course now it's like a different level of balance that needs to be achieved. I wonder if balance will always be a factor in life. I'd imagine parents need balance between kiddie time and mommy & daddy time, or balance between work and family. So maybe this is my time to be on the receiving end of advice instead of the giving end. Maybe this is one time when I need someone older and wiser to tell me how to balance my life at my age. I hope so, because balance is an important concept and life lesson to grasp, and I want to learn it.

No Motivation

I'm lazy. There's no doubt about it. I'm unmotivated in life. but i just realized one of my passions--reading. I know, that has nothing to do with being lazy, but I really am lazy. I'm lazy with thinking--I don't want to do it unless I have to--I'm lazy with work and writing sometimes, which leads to procrasination. Laziness is a sin, is it not? *sigh* I just don't know how to break the cycle. At one point I used to be un-lazy, like in school, when I had a bizillon things to do. But see, now I don't really. I mean, I have my radio show on Thursdays, and a few writing assignments here and there, but that's about it. Which means that I have no excuse for being lazy. But here's the ironic thing--when I have tons going on, I'm not lazy because I'm forced to do things according to schedule, BUT my best friend said I need to stop doing so many things and being stressed out and enjoy life--which lead to basically not alot of things, which ironically turned into more laziness for me. Pathetic.

Another thing I am pondering today is the sincerity of people's actions. Like, half the stuff that people do--are they because of societial pressures, or are they because they want to do them? Like, I can tell you, I've definitely done things because I know it's what I'm supposed to do, not really because I 100% meant it. Which is again, pathetic. I should mean things when I do them, right? Can anyone else out there relate? Or am I just in my own 'lil bubble?

Friday, April 4, 2008

Thank god it's friday

Can't wait for the weekend. S is sick so we aren't doing pizza tonight,
but probably will do pizza tomorrow night and hang out with S's sister.
I just feel kinda down today. I don't know why exactly, but maybe I'm
disappointed that
S is sick, or maybe I just am not feeling good about
myself in general today.
I don't know. I just know that tomorrow is a
new day, full of new beginnings,
so I can't wait for tomorrow.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

I'm backkkk

So NY was so so so much fun. I seriously don't know why I was so stressed and anxious! My friends there are awesome. The thing that stuck out most to me during the weekend is that they care about you, not about your job title, which is so why I miss college. I mean nowadays, you meet someone, and they are like oh, so what do you do? And it's like, there's more to me than my stupid job title. seriously. try to get to know ME.

I know I was also worried about it being bittersweet and emotional, but really, it wasn't. I mean, I definitely thought of the people in my class and how I used to go to certain establishments, but those were all good memories, so if anything, it just reminded me of the good times. Plus, I spent time with my current friends there so that just added to the experience--I mean it was different in some ways, because I didn't really know anyone when we went out, but again, I was with the people I wanted to be with, so it all evened out.

Another thing I took from this weekend was that I am young, and capable of drinking three nights in a row and still surviving. When I got back, I was excited to go out this week on Thursday, because I was like, that will make the weekend so much more longer and enjoyable. I was definitely not looking forward to going back to work on Tuesday, but, I just had this great attitude and energy at work. I think I was still on high from 'cuse. Anyways, I think work just sucks the life out of you, because yesterday all I wanted to do was go home and relax. But tonight I am sticking with my original idea of going out and going salsa dancing with M, so hopefully that will happen. I think there's many positives to going out tonight: one, it will give me something to look forward to tonight; two, it will prove to myself that I can handle going out and still surviving work the next day; and three, it'll make me feel young and not so freakin old.

This weekend entails going out to dinner with S, who I'm not sure I've mentioned, but S stands for Steve. Then on Saturday I'm taking my family to the airport at 6am (lovely, I'm soooo thrilled) because my dad is getting an award at some conference for work in Florida, so of course my mom and brother are tagging along, and of course that means my life will again be a living hell until they get back on Wednesday night because I'll have to housesit and dogsit again. I'm still not over that, just thinking about it makes me stressed out. And the fact that they never asked, they just assumed. I almost wish I was going out of town again just for the fact that they would have to find other "options." But back to my weekend. Soooo Saturday I plan on cleaning my room because I've lost my bluetooth somewhere in the mess of clothes all over my floor. Then Saturday night has the potential to hang out with S and his sister at Dave & Busters. I'm not entirely sure if I want to go; part of me thinks that they need their time together but the other part of me says that if they wanted it to just be themselves, then S wouldn't have invited me along. Plus, I've never met his sister, so it would be a pro to meet her beforehand and see if she approves, because she is really close to him and I'll see her on Sunday, which leads me to my next scheduled activity for Sunday. On Sunday I am going to church in the morning, then going to this drifting event in Greeley with S, S's sister, S's roommate (possibly), M, and S's best buddy who he calls Bunz. So that's supposed to last till 3 or 4, and then I'll be free to do whatever. So that's the weekend in a nutshell.