Since my last post about all the boys in my life, I have quite a few updates.
Let's start with Alex. We keep e-mailing back and forth, but generally, our conversations are boring. I don't want to discount anything with him just yet, because anyone can be boring via e-mail. But I also am not at the point where I want to actually talk with him on the phone, let alone give him my number. Maybe I'll suggest going for a walk on our lunch break and see how the conversation is then. Either way, I definitely am not feeling the whole take-me-to-dinner-please feelings. More or less, I think he and I could be friends.
Speaking of friends, let's talk about Special Agent boy. So as you know from my last post, I'm set to spend a weekend with him in Vermont in oh, less than two weeks now. Up until this point, we still text daily, and he still calls me cakes btw. UGH. Regardless, he's been a little distant lately. Fewer phone calls, but still flirty text messages. Turns out he's homesick, and he's fighting with his sister because she's getting re-married and he doesn't approve of it at all. He hasn't even met her fiancee, but hates the idea, so he's boycotting coming home at all for the holidays. I've been supportive of him, listening to him vent, and when needed, putting in my two cents.
This past Friday, while on Facebook, he started venting about family stuff. And then somehow changed the subject to my trip out there. "I want you to know that you're my best friend. I know I can tell you anything, and that whatever I tell you stays between you and me, and that's amazing. I'm so lucky." I'm thinking to myself...OKAY....where are you going with this? "But I'm so stressed out with family stuff right now that I can't be more than friends with you. Not to mention that my job comes first, and I'm a shitty boyfriend. I still need to deal with my past."
Of course I was shocked. I mean, wow. I didn't know what to say. In the span of like 3 minutes, he gave me a HUGE compliment, but also kinda put me in my place. He asked me if I was disappointed, and I said, "I don't think so, because I honestly don't know what I want right now." Which is true. I'll admit my first reaction was--how can he not want me? I want him to want me, even if I don't know if I want him. And as my bff pointed out, it's not fair to expect that from him if I don't even know what I want.
So I let that sink in, and we continued to chat, and by the end of our conversation, we were at ease. We were ourselves, and the conversation flowed naturally, which is a good thing. The more I've think about this--that we're just friends--the more I think he's right. Not to mention that I still don't even know if I'll like him more than a friend, seeing as I haven't seen him since high school. I think right now, especially with the distance, it's good to be friends. He makes me feel good about myself, and I in turn, encourage and support him. Not only that, but reading back on my past entry about the trip, I noted that I'm most comfortable with going to see him as friends. And that still holds true. Now I don't have to worry about being perfect around him. Now I can be myself.
Over the weekend, when I was planning on going to the Great American Beer Festival, I tentatively made plans to stay the night at the Asshole's place in case I couldn't find anyone to give me a ride. I of course ended up staying with M, which was a way better choice. Plus, when I texted him on Saturday complaining about my head hurting, he texted back saying he was sick with a bad chest cold, so it was probably even better that I didn't stay with him on Friday night. Since then, I haven't heard from him, which is a good thing. I am just over him. I don't know how to describe it, but I honestly would have to force myself to go out with him again. I just don't feel anything anymore.
I haven't seen Yogi in over a week now, because something's messed up with the nerves in his leg. He's literally been out of work for almost two weeks now. I called him a couple of times to see how he was doing. We talked last night for a few minutes but basically he still doesn't know what is wrong with him and is set to go to a different doctor today. It'll be nice to see him, in a friendly way of course.