Thursday, October 16, 2008

Just Askin'

Today is soooo gorgeous outside! The leaves have changed, the sky is blue and the sun is out. Makes me wish I had time to go outside and journal by the creek. But I can't, because I have work to do and a dentist appointment at 4.

So the latest theme in my life deals with asking, as in asking questions to receive answers. Now, I love love love to ask questions--I'd like to think this trait makes me a good journalist. However, when it comes to my personal life, I don't like to ask any questions. Instead I analyze, come up with possible scenarios, or tactfully ask someone else a question.

Now the funny part is that just last night I had no problem encouraging M to ask questions, because she'd have the "freedom" of knowing.

Ironically, my spiritual adviser encouraged me to do the same recently, saying that I would feel more free after asking. But the situation he's referring to do has to do with S. You see, when S and I first starting hanging out we were technically dating, until S said he couldn't make such a commitment. I respected his decision and we continued as friends, only somewhere along the line I wanted more. So I asked him for more than friendship, in which he responded that he cared about me. At the time, I just felt better for unloading what I was wondering, and I felt good that he cared about me. Then I let it go, but the same feelings didn't go away, so I asked him again if he'd want to date, to which he said that he wasn't ready, and at the earliest he'd consider dating at the end of the summer. We spent many times together this summer and had a blast. Even though the summer is over now, and I secretly am wondering if he's ready to date, I haven't asked. I haven't because I know that if he wanted to date me, then he would've made it happen. Where there's a will, there's a way. Right? I mean, what's the point of asking again only to have him reject me? Again.

In a recent session with my spiritual adviser, he said he could see that I was struggling and suggested that I tell S what I want so that I can feel free. Instead of dealing with that, I've occupied my time with family, friends, and TV. I haven't told S how I feel because I'm over it. Well, at least that's what I say. I just have this sneaking suspicion that me not asking S about this will continue to catch up with me, until one day I'm just gonna have to do it. Maybe I'm being stubborn, but I still don't see the point.

Another example of how asking can pay off is something that happened to me today. I volunteer for the Audio Information Network of Colorado. I got into it because of a friendship turned bad with the coworker I mentioned yesterday. We used to be super close, until one day she stopped sharing all the stories she had with me. I thought it was unfair for me to tell her everything when she didn't do the same for me, so I gradually stopped sharing, which turned into not talking for a year. In return, she would sneak out of the office with other coworkers and exclude me from lunches and happy hours. I of course was upset, but I decided to do something else with my time. Which is how I found AINC. I auditioned after my birthday, and agreed to come in once a week on Thursdays during my lunch hour. I read the Canon Daily Record. No one at work knows about it except my boss.

Well, it's been over a year now, and I'm getting sick of reading the CDR. Seriously, their website sucks! It's never updated when it's supposed to be--I always read yesterday's news today. I complain to M about this. When I went into the studio today, it said the site was having technically difficulties and just had a white screen of death. I had Kat look at it (the coordinator of AINC). Turns out she couldn't fix it either, and said I could have the day off. Well, this is when I finally asked her if I could do something else. And she said yes! As of today I'm reading regional travel stories now, and I couldn't be happier. This is right up my alley, and I can't wait! So asking can pay off!

1 comment:

Manisha said...

Asking is liberating. Even if the answer hurts, you know where you stand. And, seriously, if it is taking him so long to make up his mind about committing to a relationship, it might be in your best interest to let it go. And again, while that might hurt initially, it too will be liberating. When I was about your age, I was stuck in a relationship had no future - it took me 7 years before I did anything about it. I'm glad I did because I was able to see just what I was missing out on and haven't looked back since!

Have a great weekend - I heard it's going to be quite nice!