I'll say a little prayer for you.....

I am having trouble today dealing with Floozy. I swear, everytime my boss leaves and puts her in charge, she acts as if she's queen of the world. I don't like that she hovers over me, and triple checks things that I do. I'm not a child! I know what I'm doing! That's what I want to say. The exchange below shows just how annoying she can be.

Floozy makes herself at home and sits down
"Courtney, as you know Kristin is out until July 7th."
Me: "Ah, yes, I realize that. Bonnie reminded me."
Floozy: "Well, I'm going to be out all of next week too."
Me: "Oh, next week?"
Floozy leans over my desk and points to the calendar for next week
Floozy: "Yah, this week right here."
Me: "Oh, ok."
Floozy: "Yah and Bonnie is leaving for a trip on Wednesday, so she'll be out as well."
Me: "Oh."
Floozy: "Yah, so it's important that you come into the office the next week as you will be the only contact here."
Me: "Oh, no problem. I will be here. I'm not taking any days off next week."
Floozy: "Yah, you need to be here four days next week."
Me: "Four?"
Floozy points to the calendar again
Floozy: "Yah, we get the 4th of July off. It's a holiday."
Me: "Oh, right. Of course. Well, I'll be here."
Floozy: "Okay, just wanted to make sure."

SERIOUSLY! I am going nuts today with her. She's the only co-worker I can't stand in the office. I know I need to just have patience, but it's extremely hard to do that when she keeps triple checking everything I do, and walks into my office every 20 minutes. So that scenario above was from this morning. Then this afternoon, I'm walking back to my desk carrying groceries and my lunch (a salad) when she's like "oh, what'd you get?" Food? Duh! Anyways, she again reminds me that we need this missing cutline for this image. I reassure her I've already called the gallery. I spend all afternoon working on it, get the title, and all she says is "Great, thanks for really jumping on that." Seriously?? Um, okay.

So anyways, the only thing that has kept me sane today is the Serenity Prayer, which is down below and insert my own commentary.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change; (Floozy)
courage to change the things I can; (my attitude towards Floozy)
and wisdom to know the difference. (That I am right and that she is wrong)

Living one day at a time; (thank you for today)
Enjoying one moment at a time; (enjoying gmail chat with L and SA)
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; (I will be the better person & not stoop to her level)
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it; (He is truly awesome)
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will; (That is why I'm praying now)
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen. (AMEN!)

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Paris Withdrawal...

I'm going through Paris withdrawl. Unlike L and M who have had dreams about Paris lately, I discovered my withdrawal in a different way: through photos. No, not my own. I was looking at pictures of Paris from the lady who writes the Juju blog and it made me miss Paris today. It made me want to be there, and to explore Paris more. She had great pictures of fromage (an assortment of cheeses), she had happy hour at a park drinking wine, she had pictures of great looking pastries, and the booksellers alone the Seine. All of it just made me wish I was there, to experience the laziness of the days and to just ponder life.

Even seeing pictures of Montmartre made me nostalgic, especially because this picture was taken at a cafe at the base of all these stairs that lead to Sacre Couer. I want to go back. I want to appreciate the fullness of life and its experiences. Even seeing pictures of some of the Metro stops made me want to go back to Paris, to see them for myself. If anything, I guess this reminds me that I haven't quite reflected on my Paris trip. Sure, I've told many stories about our adventures, but I haven't taken the time to really reflect on how it changed me as a person, or what I learned about myself. Of course I can say that Paris is unforgettable, but I'm not sure in which way that applies to me. Some people say it's unforgettable because they fall in love there, or find the perfect pair of shoes or handbag, but what does it mean to me? I certainly didn't fall in love there, and while I did manage to fit in some shopping and enjoy my purchases, I can't really say that Paris=shopping for me. Perhaps in some way Paris gave me new insight into my potential--of what I am capable of saying, learning, and doing. All I know is that Paris will always mean something to me...just not sure how.

Apparently it's summer

I'm not sure why, but this year it doesn't feel like summer...yet. Perhaps it's because I haven't gone to any festivals or laid out by the pool or had any picnics. This summer I want to get out and do more things, so I've decided to share a few with you...

1. Go to the outdoor jazz concerts in the park downtown
2. Lay out by the pool
3. Read more books
4. Go to the Peach Festival, Greek Festival, Taste of Colorado and any other festivals
5. Attend one of the Movies in the Park
6. Take a tour of Redstone Meadery in Boulder
7. Get a tan

...7...

I realized looking through my entries that I never posted about #7 on the list: Jewel and John Legend.

M and I went to the concert two Friday's ago. It was held at Fiddler's Green, where we had an amazing view of the sunset and later the moon and stars. Apparently this concert was a benefit concert--yes, I knew it was, but what I didn't expect was for it to be so not crowded. Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoyed getting better seats, but maybe people just aren't into going to concerts during the week, or maybe the word benefit scares people. I don't know. I felt good about it, because the money went to children's hospital.

We were supposed to have lawn seats, but due to the concert not being sold out, we were upgraded to the real seats in the 2nd section. As usual, I was worried about getting there on time. M picked me up from downtown, and then we drove to Red Robin and got dinner to go, only to find out that outside food apparently isn't allowed in the venue. So we stuffed our faces (figuratively and literally) and went inside.

This year I was prepared for the weather and brought two fleece blankets, a sweatshirt, and an umbrella. You see, the last time I was at Fiddler's was years ago when M and I were either in our senior year of h.s. or maybe it was a summer during college. Anyways, we were going to see MercyMe, and the weather got so bad that they had a rain delay. You guessed it, we didn't bring a thing to protect us from the rain, so we got drenched to the bone. I mean it! We waited by the porta potties for the storm to pass but eventually gave up and went to eat dinner at the Village Inn nearby. We were seriously so soaking wet that even our seats had water on them from us. Of course this year since I prepared for another dreaded storm, it didn't happen. The sky was clear and it wasn't even freezing cold.

Jewel opened up the concert and was surprisingly really down to earth. She would tell jokes or stories in between songs, and even let the kids that were in the audience shout out suggestions for what she should play.

After her, John Legend performed. Of course that was the highlight of the night...he's just so damn fine. Trust me, I don't get all star struck or obsessed with celebs, but for some reason seeing him on stage belting out songs about love and making love (hahaha), well, a girl just falls under his hypnotic spell. He played my favorite song of his, "Slow Dance," and a VIP member named Nicole went up on stage. She was cute, but she totally didn't dance slow enough for John. I told M if I was up there, I would've danced slow enough and would've helped John take off his jacket since it'd be so hott up there. Of course I have innocent intentions! I mean, he ended up taking off his jacket in the next song anyways, so I would've been just helpin' a brotha out. Sheesh people, I'm totally innocent. Anyways, John was great, and performed this other song about giving all your heart to someone and loving them. It had a great message, and he said it was his newest song, not even on his cd. I took video of it, but I haven't listened to it yet. All in all, it was a great night under the stars. I'm glad I went!

It's a Monday...

It definitely feels like a Monday. Today seemed to go by really slow, but somehow it's already 1pm. I have a meeting at 2, and need to finish my book review column, which I just have one book left to review. Perhaps this day will be over before I know it. I have to run some errands--mainly exchange my headphones I got at Target (they don't fit in my ears right), and get gas from Costco. I should also get an oil change this week, so I'll do that on Thursday.

I had a good weekend--didn't do much Friday, just cooked and watched tv and read some of this book I'm reading called French Trysts, which is about a courtesan set in Paris. It was odd because all week I was excited to have alone time on Friday, but then when I had it, I didn't want it after all.

Saturday I woke up early to finish the book, and then went off to B's bridal shower. I was supposed to go to Kristen's (old cuse buddy) bbq at 5, but the bridal shower had just ended at that point, so I didn't go. However, M and I got dressed up and took the bus to Boulder and met up with her and others. Kristen really wanted to dance, so we ended up going to three different bars till she settled on Round Midnight. I'd never been there before, and when we got there at like 10:30, it wasn't crowded. There was an old guy dancing by himself--I think he was high. Anyways, it turned out to be a great night, lots of dancing, and I'm glad I went.

On Sunday, I went over to my aunt's house with the fam for Father's Day. I really wanted to go to the pool but that didn't happen. But I did have an alright time at the aunt's. Lots of gossip per usual, and drinking. We stayed there for awhile, then went back to the parent's house and watched Andrew play Madden on Wii. Then finally headed home, watched an episode of Army Wives and crashed.

At my aunt's, my uncle and dad gave me crap about how I need to switch jobs and make more money. I told them, "I know...but I'm waiting till I figure out what it is I want to do." I think that's a valid reason, I mean why go out and switch jobs if you hate it? My uncle said as long as you're making more money, you can survive that job, stick with it for a year, and then switch to something you like. I disagree, because if I'm not happy, why do it? That's the one thing I remember from Billy Joel's commencement speech. He said "Do what you love, and love what you do." I know, it's easier said than done, but I think that is possible. All I have to do now is figure out what else I love to do besides reading and talking on tape recorders.

tgif

I'm not sure why but it seems like the past Friday as well as today's Friday I've been moody. Last week I was upset, this week I'm just feeling off, kinda lonely too. Not sure why. I hung out with S last night. We ate din din at Toyko Joe's where apparently he's never been before, and then went to see the ShuffleTones play at Jazz @ Jack's downtown. They were good. I don't know why but I was kinda not relaxed last night. It just seemed like everything I said came out snippy and I just sounded so uptight. I blame it on the 1 month rule.

What's the 1 month rule you ask? Well, it all started when I was dating Jeffrey. He has an odd work schedule--like 2pm till 10:30pm, so we basically saw each other on the weekends, if that. Honestly, we probably only saw each other once a month, but would talk regularly. Anyways, the times I did see him, I would be nervous and just not relaxed at first because it would be like meeting him all over again, ya know? I blame it on not seeing him often enough to become lax and myself around him. So, that same rule has applied to last night's situation because I haven't seen S since about a month; I went off to Paris, and he was in Kansas for a week. I just wish I was more relaxed, but I can't change anything now.

Oh, and I did something so so so so stupid last night. So I parked in my mom's spot at her work in the garage and I left the wand-y thing in my car, so I locked myself out of the garage and didn't even realize it till 11pm when I was walking S to the bus stop. I felt so embarrassed and stupid that I let him go, even tho he offered to stay with me till M showed up. Thank god she was downtown! She was such a life saver!

Well, it's the weekend...I've got a bridal shower to attend tomorrow and a bbq with an old cuse buddy and then it's Father's Day....

Blessings, big and small

Thank you Lord, for blessings both big and small.

I just had my interview for my freelance article with this head of admissions person. As M knows very well, I always stress out over interviews and my freelance work. Anyways, I prayed that God would help me out today and help me get through the interview and the article. Well, I just got off the phone with the lady, and the interview went very well. See, it's ironic because most of the time when i schedule interviews, I always think of specific questions. Well, for this assignment, I felt like I just wanted to have a conversation. No specific questions. Just talking. Well, of course the PR guy wanted specifics. In fact, he called me earlier today to "clarify" some of the questions I had e-mailed him. He definitely was just trying to help me out, and I definitely appreciated the fact that I could admit that this topic was complicated, and that I didn't know they offered so many different programs. Regardless, both the PR guy and the admissions lady were nice. We talked for a very long time, and had a conversation, and I took notes.

I don't know what has changed; I don't know if I have changed and am finally just letting things be, and not stressing over every little detail and trying to be perfect in every way, or if I am just getting the hang of this stuff and have accepted that it's not worth it to over stress about questions and to just have a conversation. Hmmmm. Well, regardless, I'm thankful for God giving me a blessing and letting the interview go well, and letting my freelance boss still give me assignments. I suppose everything does happen for a reason, huh?

...6....

Yay! Ashley had her baby!! So I'm at work on Friday, avoiding actually doing any real work, when my phone vibrates with an (917) number. Of course, I was curious as to who could be calling, so I answered it and a guy was on the other line. Immediately, I thought to myself, who the heck is this?? And so I tentatively said hello with a note of apprehension in my voice. Turns out it was John, Ashley's husband. He was calling me to say that the baby was born on that Monday and that they were finally home. I told him how I had thought to call Ashley on Monday to see how she was doing because I remember when I invited her to the John Legend concert, she said she probably couldn't go because she was due to pop around that time. Well, sure enough she did. She had a baby girl, Eliana, at 6lbs 10oz. I was of course excited for her and happy that they were home and safe. Well, then John passed the phone to Ashley and I got the scoop from her. Turns out there were complications with the birth. She wanted to have a natural birth but when she got the hospital, half way dilated, they told her that she had Strep B, and that only the baby could catch it so they had to put her on an IV full of antibiotics. Her parents were there at the hospital because she had called them at like 2am when she felt contractions. Anyways, because of the risk of infection coupled with the fact that the baby wasn't moving on the baby monitor--it was just a flat line--they went ahead and did a C section. Ashley was knocked out and John tended to the baby. It was after John left that Ashley started hemorrhaging blood. The doctors thought that they might have to do a hysterectomy on her if the bleeding continued. But, somehow, someway, they stopped the bleeding in time. Ashley had no idea any of this happened until she woke up the next day to her Mom crying and John white as a ghost telling her how she had scared them all.

Hearing her story of how I could've almost lost one of my best friends, I was grateful that she and the baby were okay and healthy. It also put all of my "problems" and issues in perspective because here I was thinking that my life SUCKED, when at the very same time, my best friend was going through one of the most scariest times of her life. I definitely realized that my problems weren't as huge as they seemed, and that I should be thankful for all the things I do have--my health, friends, and family.

I saw Ashley and the baby on Saturday, she is so cute! She even smiled at me :)

Updates 4, 5...

So after my terribly gone wrong convo with L, I needed to talk to someone. I wished that S was around but alas, he was out in KS attending a wedding. On a side note, I just find it so ironic that the minute he skips town for a week, all of this stuff, both personal and professional, crops up. It's like, I know I can survive without him, but I just missed him. I would've liked to have called him when I was upset about the car situation, or tell him about the fight with L. It would've just been nice to see someone else's perspective. That's all. But I couldn't rely on him, so I went to SA instead...

SA was online as well, and so I decided to say hi. We haven't really talked much either, mostly because she is self absorbed, and well, it doesn't really matter what you say because you don't get any feedback. Somehow I told her about the convo with L, and how I must be a bad friend to neglect one of my best friends in a foreign country that was supposed to be our adventure. Surprisingly, she actually listened! And she was very engaged with me, she even gave me encouragement and totally reassured me that I am in a good person and a good friend how much she misses me. She told me to not pay attention to drama, because it's overrated. Of course I told her, how can I NOT pay attention to this when my best friend says so? But, I did take her suggestion to heart, and tried to stay positive. She even asked me what my weekend plans were and told me to have a great time at the concert. For someone who is SA, she sure was a friend when I needed one.

1, 2, 3 updates from the list

1. Best friend is mad at me....
2. Learned about myself in Paris, both good and bad.
3. Learned that I love tape recording--seriously, I know, so old school, yet so so cool.
-----

I took my old school tape recorder with me on my adventures in France, and I have to say--I loved it! I loved recording and telling stories and didn't think it was awkward at all. I think it was definitely time efficient. Perhaps in my next job I can incorporate my enjoyment of recording/talking in some aspect. That'd be cool.

So on Wednesday of last week M and I were reminiscing about Paris over glasses of wine, M made a comment about how I was fully engaged in life, how I was living life, and how I was so sure of my decisions. Of course I wanted examples of this, but M is a thinker, and given my short attention span, I asked her to tell me how I was different when we came back, and she said when we got back, I was second guessing my decisions. Which I was, I was trying to figure out what I should do for that day but I couldn't make up my mind. And thinking back to Paris, I was definitely sure of my decisions. Like for example, I knew which trains to take on the Metro, and when I knew I didn't have alot of time to shop, I went into a shoe store, looked around, and instantly knew I liked this pair of gold and black flats. Anyways, the bottom line is that M complimented me on the fact that I was passionate, and sure of myself.

Now, of course I was like awesome. And somehow we got to talking more about the trip and L, and M mentioned how L and her had a mini heart to heart in CDG airport. And of course I told her how L said M was so nice. And then M mentioned that L might be a little mad at me. I was like, WHAT?? And you know me, as soon as I found that out, I wanted to confront the situation, so I waited till Friday at work....

...so Friday at work, I was on gmail like normal, and I saw L was on too. I messaged her and said hi, and after a few minutes she responded saying hey. Now, I knew our convos since Paris online had been stilted but I figured that maybe we were sick of each other--spending a week with someone can do that. Anyways, I expressed this to L, how I felt our convos weren't the same, and I asked if she was mad at me. L replied with a yes, and said how hurt she was that I didnt make any time for her and I to catch up. How not once did I ask her to lunch or ask her to hang out. According to her, I was always with M. She told me that she couldn't understand how a complete stranger like M could see she was upset, yet her own best friend couldn't, and how I made it abruptly clear that I wanted to do things with M such as our fancy French dinner. Of course after hearing this with my mouth wide open in shock, I asked her why she didn't say anything to me, why she didn't pull me aside and at least say, hey, let's talk later. L said I was always with M, and that there wasn't "the right opportunity." WHATEVER. So instead she waits till we get back, till Paris is OVER, to say, ya, I'm mad at you?? WTF? I mean, seriously, if I was that upset or hurt, you're damn right I would've said something, even if I was with someone else. I would've sat next to them on the metro and said, hey let's talk later. Or pulled them aside to say hey, let's go to dinner tonight, just the two of us. But no, somehow because I'm not a mind reader, this is allll my fault. She went on say how she wanted to tell me so many things, both funny and embarrassing, on the trip which made me feel even worse because I would've wanted to know that, it would've been nice to have a full-bellied laugh.

It sucks because just the other night I was being complimented on how great of a person I was in Paris by M. Yet L apparently hated how I was acting and who I was out there. It's like, I tried, I tried to connect, it's not my fault she chose to be alone some of the time. But regardless, I acknowledged her feelings, said I was sorry, and asked her if she was in the same situation again, would she say something to me? Her answer: maybe I would've passed you a note asking to talk later. *sigh* I went on to acknowledge how I know our friendship had changed, and how we have had our ups and downs and the importance of letting our friendship breathe and recover. I told her how I wanted to fix things right away but I know that I can't do that--only time can.

She forgave me and agreed with me about my insights into our friendship. And then we went on to catch each other up on life since Paris. I told her about going to the play with Jeffrey, and our lost luggage and she told me about how much she missed Matt. I told her about the new blog I'm reading about a 40yr old hippie from Boulder traveling the world for a year and asked her if she would ever do that. Of course she said, "not without Matt." *rolls eyes* I was telling M about this at the John Legend concert, and I said, even if I was in a serious relationship, I would go travel if that's what I wanted to do and I would hope that my partner would understand that and give me my freedom. I mean, of course it would be hard to be without that person, but ultimately, traveling for me is an adventure and a time for personal growth. But back to L, before she left, I told her about how hott country singer Chuck Wicks is, and her last line was "off to see the bf..." It's like RIGHT. thanks for that, thanks for throwing the fact that you have a bf in my face. Nah, that's cool...go ahead....*shakes head* oh friendship.

Juju

I've been reading this blog for the past two days. I'll admit, I'm kinda obessed. It's written by a 40 yr old Boulderite who has decided to travel the world for the next 6mos-year.

If anything, it makes me think that anything is possible, and that being lost is okay. That I don't have to figure it all out or have all the answers. It inspires me to travel, and to go where the wind takes me. It also shows me that perfection is overrated. I really liked one of her May 13th entry where she's describing how she enjoys making art but sometimes has a negative voice in her head.

"The other day, in Café A Brasiliera, I shared my table with two consecutive groups. The first, a pair of Englishwomen here for an Erasmus conference. Then, a group of women from Belgium. (I wonder if they know Martine!) I was at the café to fortify myself with coffee and pastel de natal, the Portuguese custard pastry. I also planned to work in my sketchbook.

I’d been inspired by Danny Gregory and the notion of an illustrated journal. I’ve read Gwen Diehn’s books and love the multi-textured illustrated journal. And I’ve got my Moleskine notebook and I’m ready to go.

And I’m scared.

Familiar? How many of you have the inspiration, the notebook, the materials and the surrounding inspiration to create, only to be beleaguered by those voices?

I know. All of you. That’s why I have a job – to nudge people past those voices. And I love doing it. And I write about it. And I should know better, right?

Sigh.

So at that cool Art Nouveau café, I open my notebook, get out my fancy beautiful pen and miniature colored pencils and I just start. Whatever impulse I get, I put on the page. When I run out of steam, I stop and look around. I put things on the page and the women from Belgium watch. I like that but don’t pay much attention. I just keep playing in my notebook. The voices are still there, but I just keep going.

You may be reading this and thinking about your own art that you are working on (or avoiding) right now. If that’s you, finish reading and then go to your writing, your drawing, your painting, your whatever, and just do one thing. One sentence, one stroke, one dab of color. Remember yourself as a kid and let yourself play. Don’t worry about ‘good enough’. Just play. That’s what I’ll be doing – playing with materials as I wend my way through Europe.

Here I go, one dab of color at a time."

I know, that was a longish entry to read, but what really struck me was the ending--"don't worry about 'good enough.' Just play." and "one sentence." L wrote a novel and is writing another one, and so at one point I thought, yes, I want to write one too. Only, I've started but every single time I start to think about it--writing a book--I choke. I second guess myself, I second guess my plot. Heck, I don't even have fully formed characters yet. I know who they are in the beginning, and how many, but i don't know much beyond that. And so instead of writing one sentence at a time, I let the negative voice get to me, and I stop. I don't try. I keep dreaming of the perfect intro, the perfect plot, the perfect set of characters. But reading her entry gives me hope. Hope that I CAN do this. I just have to do it a sentence at a time. And that, is much, much, more doable, and completely less scary.

car situation

oh one more thing, I find my parents and brother to be overbearing sometimes. Life can be hard to deal with. Take for example, the recent car dilemma. I get a call from my dad on wednesday saying "court, you have to help me out. I can't run Matt and Andrew around and still keep a job. Call me." Of course I didn't call him back, cuz i was at work and super busy. Then at like 5, Matt calls. I ignore the call. then my mom calls. it's like WTF people, leave me the F alone, ok? See, the biggest problem I have with my parents and Matt is the lack of respect. Take this for example, I said, no you can't use my car on Thursday, I need it, I have an appt downtown at 6, and need it for my radio show. Matt responds with "You'll have a car Court, I promise. But let's switch cars." UMMMM....what? How about acknowledging MY PRIORTIES, how about saying, oh..ok..let's switch on Friday. But did he say that?? NO, because all he cares about is himself. And the whole reason why he can't drive my parents cars is because of his horrible driving record. It's so bad, the car insurance company threatened to drop my parents because of it. Hence, they got rid of him, and kept their insurance. But that leaves me, he can drive my car apparently. Or any car insured by that matter. But what sucks about the situation is no matter what I do, I look like the bad guy. If i say sure, here's my car, then it's only a temporary solution because I'll have to worry about my car and if his gf will spill diet coke all over the floorboard again. or if he'll mess with my GPS or take my $10 worth of quarters. But then if I say no, I need it. Then i look like the selfish daughter. I look like the person that can't help out her family. IT'S SO SO UNFAIR. COMPLETELY UNFAIR. I hate hate hate hate hate that I care about pleasing people. I really do. I wish I could just blow people off and not care. For Matt, he does this all the time, yet no one cares. It's like they've dealt with it and accepted that quality from him. I mean, it sucks. It sucks being the perfectionist. Why can't I just not care?????

I asked S's opinion of the situation the other night. I said, what should I do? And he brought up the question of, "do i trust my brother?" and i said, no, not completely. And that's true. I mean, the last time he borrowed my car, I was in Paris. But the time before that, i had $10 worth of quarters in my ashtray. when I got my car back, he had ripped into it, but hadn't taken anything. He had reprogrammed my GPS, but didn't ruin it. And he had put gas in my car, but had a huge stain from split diet coke on the floorboard. AND to top it all off, he didn't even apologize about the stained floorboard until I brought it up, asking "hey, did anything happen to my car? It looks like the floorboard is stained" "Ohh, yea. um. that. Sorry, it was kylie's fault. she split her diet coke all over. I told mom to tell you about it. i was gonna get it cleaned for you but didn't have time." SUREEEEEEEE. Yet i bring this up with my mom and she's like "oh yea, he was gonna clean it but he doesn't have the money Court. give him a break." WHATEVER. I just wanted to put my fingers in my ears, stick out my tongue, and walk around saying, "whatever, i'm not listeninggg"

Anyways, back to S. He basically said I had two options; I could stand firm or I could "be a blessing to my parents" *ROLLS EYES* *gag me. seriously. i'm all about being a good person and a good christian, but when you say it like that, "blessing" it's like FINE. way to make me feel 110% worse about my decision. It's like a lose lose, no matter what I don't get my way. and that sucks. because it's MY car, MY insurance payment, MY car payment. if anything happens to MY car, I'm the one that's SCREWED. Not Matt, not S, not my parents. So, me being upset, I said to S "Rawr. ok. thanks for your opinion," to which he replied "that wasn't my opinion. what i see is that you have two options." But it's like OF COURSE that was your opinion. OF COURSE if you were me in this situation, you would be a "blessing." It's like UGHHHHHH, I can't win. For those that have read this far, I did give in. I dealt with the fam on Thursday on my way to work, and offered to switch cars on Friday.

I just hope that I get my car back in one piece and with gas. gas is really expensive. took me $61 to fill up last week.

deep stuff

I've had alot going on this week, that's for sure. I will reflect with the upcoming posts, but just wanted to write down a few things:

1. Best friend is mad at me
2. Learned about myself in Paris, both good and bad.
3. Learned that I love tape recording--seriously, I know, so old school, yet so so cool.
4. I miss S, of all the times I needed him, he's not around. *sigh*
5. SA was actually compassionate today when I needed it most
6. Ashley had her baby!!!
7. John Legend + Jewel= hotness
8. I feel like I'm in my own world, I want to talk about life and deep things at the moment.
9. I want to think of what my dream job would be. I know this might take years to figure out, but I want to start thinking about it.
10. Thank goodness for the weekend. and Chuck Wicks. He's hott.