**Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, "how many readers can I estrange THIS week??" TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else's! For more TMI head over to Lilu's***
I'm popping my TMI cherry today with a post that isn't for the faint of heart.
Keep in mind two things -
- I can't spit to save my life. I blame this entirely on my mom. When I was little and tried to spit, she always scolded me, saying "Ladies don't spit. Go brush your teeth."
- I hate puking. Like HATE it. I usually only puke when I'm hungover. Which as been a lot lately. But the main reason I hate puking is because I tend to pee. I just can't help it. Guess I need to do more Kegel exercises.
Then I started to cough, Only this wasn't just a baby cough. Oh no, this was a horrible cough, the kind that makes your abs clench and your entire body shake. I stood up, thinking that would help. But of course it didn't. Instead, I proceeded to cough even harder, so hard in fact, that my face is now red, I'm crossing my legs to make sure I don't pee, and I have tears running down my cheeks. But I can't stop coughing. At this point, I know I'm about to cough up something nasty. So what's a girl to do? Swallow or spit? Well, I opted for spitting, but everytime I would try to spit, it wouldn't come out. It was like stuck in the middle of my throat.
Which made me think about how as a kid I wanted to invent this suction that you could stick in the back of your throat, which would suck up all the mucus, similar to the suction at the dentist. I mean how freakin' cool would that be? But I digress.
Finally I coughed so hard that I knew the mucus (I hate using the word phlegm, it sounds so proper) was about to come out. I spit as hard as I could three times, yielding next to nothing. And then the big one came. As I gagged, I tasted the nastiest shit in my entire life. And I spit it out in one big, green, quarter-sized puddle of mucus into the sink. Splat. I wiped the tears from my cheeks, and took a look at it. It was so so gross. Fucking nasty. So I turned on the water full blast hoping to wash it down the drain. Only it stuck to the sink like nobody's business. It didn't move. It was then that I did what any sane person would do. I picked it up. I scrunched my nose in disgust, felt its slimy texture, threw it into the toilet, and flushed.
Happy TMI Thursday!