Fear vs Freedom

Earlier this week I attended a potluck at Floozy's house. See, I've belonged to this local media women's e-mail list serv for like three years, but have never made it to one of their monthly potlucks or weekly schmooze's. I just lurk online instead.

Of course I was the youngest person there, but I wasn't surprised by that. My other coworker had warned me already about that. I had no expectations going into it, and I have to say that I had a rather pleasant evening. Wow, I sound old. I mean, I had an evening without awkwardness.

The ladies were all nice and all of them couldn't believe that I had been at my current job for almost four years. I'm not sure if that was because I look really young, or because that's just a really long to stay at a job. Although, one of them made me feel better by telling me that she had stayed at her first job for seven years.

At one point I remarked how I want to try something else but I also don't want to jump from job to job to avoid being laid off. "Fear is a great motivator," said one lady. It got me to thinking about all of the things I'm fearful of.

I don't know when I began to let fear in, but I would like to lessen its current role. As a kid I lived without fear--I jumped off the diving board and risked it turning into a belly flop, or rolled down a hill without worrying that I'd hit my head on a rock.

I'd like to get back to that place of total freedom, but today I took a small step--I applied for three jobs. I didn't let my inner critic prevent me from submitting my cover letter, and I wasn't afraid to put down the magic number I want for my next salary. I just uploaded everything and hit the submit button. It felt good.

No Motivation

I'm lazy. There's no doubt about it. I'm unmotivated in life. but i just realized one of my passions--reading. I know, that has nothing to do with being lazy, but I really am lazy. I'm lazy with thinking--I don't want to do it unless I have to--I'm lazy with work and writing sometimes, which leads to procrasination. Laziness is a sin, is it not? *sigh* I just don't know how to break the cycle. At one point I used to be un-lazy, like in school, when I had a bizillon things to do. But see, now I don't really. I mean, I have my radio show on Thursdays, and a few writing assignments here and there, but that's about it. Which means that I have no excuse for being lazy. But here's the ironic thing--when I have tons going on, I'm not lazy because I'm forced to do things according to schedule, BUT my best friend said I need to stop doing so many things and being stressed out and enjoy life--which lead to basically not alot of things, which ironically turned into more laziness for me. Pathetic.

Another thing I am pondering today is the sincerity of people's actions. Like, half the stuff that people do--are they because of societial pressures, or are they because they want to do them? Like, I can tell you, I've definitely done things because I know it's what I'm supposed to do, not really because I 100% meant it. Which is again, pathetic. I should mean things when I do them, right? Can anyone else out there relate? Or am I just in my own 'lil bubble?