Thursday, April 30, 2009

I'm lost

So the funk I thought I had emerged from, has returned. I have no idea why.

Last night didn't help it either. I went and got ice cream at Baskin Robbins for their 31 cent scoop day, and then came home and helped my little brother, who is almost 9, with his homework. That was until he spit in my face. Yeah, I don't know why he has to be a brat either, but I wasn't going to take that. Soon my mom got involved, there was alot of crying, yelling, shouting, etc. Then my brother left the house and walked barefoot down the street. The dog was barking, I was hiding out in my room while my mom kept shouting. Yeah, last night I felt like I lived in a volatile environment. Finally, we got my brother to sleep by 9, so I finally had peace and quiet.

So besides last night's events, I've realized that I'm just in a funk. Last week three people got laid off, one of which who started when I did, and the other is 8 months pregnant. She's my lunch buddy. I'm going to miss them. Their last day is tomorrow, so we're holding a goodbye baby shower for her this afternoon. And I'm going to take her to lunch.

All this lay off talk has made me think lately about what I would do if that happened to me. Obviously I'm trying my best to keep myself valuable to my company. I'm the only one in my office that knows how to Twitter and all about Facebook, and how to update the website. But, if it happened--if I was laid off--what would I do? I've thought before of changing jobs, and industries, but when it comes down to it, I don't know. I don't know alot of things lately, and it's frustrating. I don't like feeling lost. I want to be excited about things, but I'm not at all.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

I've also thought that maybe I'm unhappy living at home. But I don't know if that's true either. Obviously I know my mom is pre-menopausal, and my brother is brat, but I love my dog. I can't wait for my dad to come back from China next month.

All of this stress from work/funk, has made me want to get away. Like even for a day. Since the Vancouver trip is off, I've decided to get my money back, and book a trip to New Mexico this summer, at the end of May or in early June. I want to see this church that has stairs without nails in it, and see all the mountain scenery. I want to go to Santa Fe and see the art galleries, and buy some native american fetishes. And I want to relax. I know this isn't an immediate solution to my woes, but it'll be something to look foward to.

As for my temporary solution, I've already consulted with M, and I know I have several options of staying with friends for a day and getting some alone time. I might even drive up to the mountains and journal. I've already read a book this week, so I'm ready for something else to distract my mind. I know I will emerge from this dark hole, but I just don't know when.

At least L is talking to me again--we haven't talked in 2 weeks. *sigh*

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