Fear vs Freedom

Earlier this week I attended a potluck at Floozy's house. See, I've belonged to this local media women's e-mail list serv for like three years, but have never made it to one of their monthly potlucks or weekly schmooze's. I just lurk online instead.

Of course I was the youngest person there, but I wasn't surprised by that. My other coworker had warned me already about that. I had no expectations going into it, and I have to say that I had a rather pleasant evening. Wow, I sound old. I mean, I had an evening without awkwardness.

The ladies were all nice and all of them couldn't believe that I had been at my current job for almost four years. I'm not sure if that was because I look really young, or because that's just a really long to stay at a job. Although, one of them made me feel better by telling me that she had stayed at her first job for seven years.

At one point I remarked how I want to try something else but I also don't want to jump from job to job to avoid being laid off. "Fear is a great motivator," said one lady. It got me to thinking about all of the things I'm fearful of.

I don't know when I began to let fear in, but I would like to lessen its current role. As a kid I lived without fear--I jumped off the diving board and risked it turning into a belly flop, or rolled down a hill without worrying that I'd hit my head on a rock.

I'd like to get back to that place of total freedom, but today I took a small step--I applied for three jobs. I didn't let my inner critic prevent me from submitting my cover letter, and I wasn't afraid to put down the magic number I want for my next salary. I just uploaded everything and hit the submit button. It felt good.

Life is hard

Over the weekend I had a lot of ups and downs.

Ups: Spending quality time with friends, my 'lil bro, and getting free fro yo.

Downs: Having my little brother who is 10 leave my entire cd collection on top of my car and me driving away and having it be GONE FOREVER AND EVER. I literally had a temper tantrum when I got home, complete with crying hysterically and saying "it's not fair" over and over and over again.

I've been really touchy lately and sensitive and overall just a ball of hormones and it wasn't until I was driving home on Monday that I realized what this all is: STRESS.

Apparently my way of dealing with stress is to just cry. and cry. and cry. oh, and yell. and then stop crying. and then apologize for the yelling. Um, yea...not exactly the most healthy way to deal with it, huh?

So now my mission is to figure out why I'm stressed and figure out what de-stresses me. Is it cooking? Is it yoga? Is it kickboxing? Is it writing? I HAVE NO IDEA. But I do know something's gotta change because it's not fair to my family or my friends.

I was playing phone tag with my uncle all day on Monday, and of course getting frustrated as to why everytime I called him he was busy and vice versa. Finally he called me back while I was in the middle of making dinner. He asked me how I was doing and I immediately started venting about how much my life sucks and how my cd collection is gone and how I might lose my job and how my cell phone sucks. I basically used the word sucks like a billion times in the span of like, 15 minutes.

Then of course without even realizing it, he made me feel better. He commiserated with me about my expensive car repairs and offered to give me the names of people he knows to help me with getting my own place (someday) and a bunch of other stuff. I'd forgotten what a great person he is.

Finally he got around to telling me why he called me in the first place. Turns out he wants me to be his second son's godmother. SERIOUSLY. I'm gonna be a godmother! I don't even know what that means exactly, but it already makes me wanna spoil my cousin, who's only like five months old.

It's funny how life works out like this--just when I wanna give up and crawl into a cave and never come out again--something awesome happens.

Being single is awkward

The aforementioned title of this blog post was my the status message I posted on Facebook over the weekend. Specifically on Friday night after I had consumed about six beers, which is totally unusual for me. It's probably because I was playing the role of "wing woman" for one of my close friends.

I'm not used to playing wing woman. And this particular friend had been with her significant other for almost two years until they recently called it quits. Now she's in her rebound phase, which she recognizes. Honestly, I have no problem with that at all because I benefit from it. I've gotten a single friend willing to go out on the weekend and someone to talk boytalk with.

She met this guy at the dog park and found out he's in a band and had a gig that night. He invited her to come by and of course she wasn't about to go alone, so she called me. After almost hitting a deer, we finally found the place. And let me tell you--this place screamed sketchy right from the start.

First off, the name of the bar is called "In the Zone." Make what you will with that. Then we walk in, and we literally were the youngest ones there. And overdressed might I add. My friend even threw on a button up shirt over her fancy top so she wouldn't attract attention.

We ordered drinks and then got a table near the stage and waited. Finally my friend saw her guy and said hi to him. I had my eye on the saxophone player but turns out he's married. My friend thought the keyboard player was cute until he came by our table and we noticed up close he wasn't so hot.

So of course to get through all the cover songs they played, I drank. Finally during a break, her guy came over and talked with us a bit--made the usual small talk and then left. I told my friend I don't think he's boyfriend material, and to "proceed with caution." I mean, this guy is 35, has roommates, and basically didn't really give her any sort of special attention that night, which I could tell she was wanting.

Her guy invited us to have a drink with the band after they were done playing for the night. At that point, I had already had my two tall beers and was thinking of switching to water, but my friend insisted that we should get one more drink and then we'd leave.

Well, I got my beer, and the band finished playing but then they had to break down the stage and equipment which was gonna take another 45 minutes. At this point, most of the people in the bar had left, and it wasn't even 1 a.m.

So my friend and I talked and killed some time. Here comes in the awkwardness. While we were talking with two single guys, this old guy wearing a red hat who had been staring at my friend throughout the night, came by our table, interrupted the conversation and said, "You're cute," to my friend. She replied, "I know I am," and he said, "Wow you're full of yourself," and walked away. AWKWARD!

Not only was that awkward, but right after the red hat guy left, my friend knocked over her beer, sending it all over our table and pretty much down the leg of my jeans. Awesome, right? The hammered dude came back with some napkins, while the blonde guy brought over a wet rag.

Turns out the blonde guy was totally a regular at that bar, which says a lot. And he admitted he's an "engi-nerd," which in some dorky way was cute. But he definitely was desperate. He kept saying "you've got to come back," and pretty much begging us to stay. We stayed long enough for him to replace my friend's split beer and then got the heck out of there.

The night definitely had its awkward moments, but it made for a great story.