Another bites the dust

Two weekends ago, I went to the Greek festival with catholic boy...

...and broke up with him.

In the weeks before "the talk" we had made some progress.

He had asked me to be in a relationship with him on Facebook, which I was totally not expecting and said, "can i think about that?" My response didn't sit well with him at all.

Then we had a heart to heart and basically didn't bring it up again. I thought about his question though, and as much as he is a nice guy, he isn't the right one for me. He had very strong feelings for me, including butterflies in his stomach, but I worried a lot that I would never be able to return said feelings.

A week later, we had a late-night discussion about friends. I was thinking that maybe if he met my friends I could tell whether or not he could hold his own. I thought that would make my decision to be or not be with him that much clearer and easier. But when I asked him if he would be comfortable meeting my friends, he wasn't enthused. And when I asked him if I could meet his friends, he straight out said, "you wouldn't like them. they aren't like you. they are atheist and vuglar." To which I replied, "you are so sweet, I can't imagine you hanging out with such people."

After we parted ways that night, I couldn't stop shaking my head. Something felt off. Something wasn't right. I still don't know exactly what it was, but I have learned from my past that I should always trust my gut, and in this situation, my gut was telling me to listen. So I did.

He had never been to the Greek festival before, so I thought, the best thing I can do is give him a good memory of it. We went to the liquor store beforehand where we bought shooters of various alcohol, and stopped at a nearby KFC to eat some fried chicken beforehand. After all, you can shouldn't eat on an empty stomach.

We listened to music, people watched, and drank. It was enjoyable. Then it was time to have "the talk." He noticed something wasn't right but I didn't want to have "the talk" in public. I wanted to do it alone, somewhere quiet.

So I told him it was time to leave and went to this church which had a lovely garden. It was near where I had parked. I told him that something felt off to me and that I think we would be better off as friends. He cried (a tear or two) and then went into a bout of self-pity. It was pretty sad to watch, but I tried to reassure him it wasn't anything specific that he had done, we just weren't the right fit.

We talked and he asked me if I wanted to be friends...to which I said, sure, let's give it a try. Only at the end of the conversation, in which he told me he is an atheist (yet he didn't even know what that word meant when I asked him so), he changed that to, can we be friends with benefits?

Um, what? I didn't expect that at all, although in hindsight I should've known. He is a boy after all.

Fast forward to this past weekend where we saw each other for the first time since the break up. I had actually 100% made up my mind that I only wanted to be friends. I even suggested he come over and play cards. He did come over but he definitely pressed for more than friends, to which I had to reject him. I felt good about my decision and he was respectful of it. We did end up cuddling on the couch though. And let me tell you, he is an amazing cuddler! But, I have made up my mind, I am not going to go into the friends with benefits zone.

We are set to watch fireworks on Sunday. Hopefully it isn't awkward.


Have you been friends with benefits with someone you've dated before? Did it have a happy ending?

Updates! Updates! Updates!

Lately I haven't been posting because I've been reading all of your entries. I know, that's no excuse, but when things in my life change or there's important developments, I tend to go silent in the blogging world and take the time to deal with them in "real" life.

Since I last posted, I have some updates to share.

As you all know from my post a month ago, I went to Arizona to see a boy I've been talking with for five years. The trip itself was intense because there were ups and downs. Day one was intense for me because he sucked a lot of energy from me. Day two was much better because I felt balanced and we did some things that he wanted to do and some things I wanted to do too. Day three was horrible because all we did was argue and fight. We were supposed to have an amazing date night but it was the worst date I've never been on. We barely talked at dinner and then he took me home. Granted, now I realize that we probably had that bad day because this entire time we were around each other all day, minus the time when we were asleep in our own places. At least the trip ended on an okay note. We actually got to go to the pool and relax and were civil and nice to each other the last day. I do have to say, four days of non-stop boy time was too much. In the future, if I ever do something crazy like this again, I'm going to definitely schedule in "me" time and take a shorter trip.

Since the trip, we made the mutual decision to break things off. We are still friends and happen to still talk frequently, but I'm relieved we're no longer dating or trying to figure out if a relationship would have worked.

This leads me to introduce a new boy, whom I met from CatholicMatch.com. He is nice and patient and not at all like the Arizona boy. We've been going out for two months or so, and I have enjoyed my time hanging out with him. He has a job, but he also has some faults. Like...he can't drive because he has a hereditary condition with his eyesight which causes him to be unable to see contrasts. He also lives at home, which is fine, but recently while we were on a date, he spilled some green chile on his pants and immediately he said, "my mom's gonna be so mad at me," while he furiously tried to get rid of the stain. I couldn't believe his mom still does his laundry. I mean, he's 27! I live at home, but I would never have my mom do my laundry. It's MY responsibility. Talk about a turnoff.

And then there's the whole Catholic thing. I mean, I'm not a perfect Catholic, but I have to say over the past year or so, I've really grown a lot spiritually, and frankly, I want that in my future life partner someday. I've invited him to several church-type events and he's basically said no to all of them. And it's not like me to just be that person to keep nagging someone to go, so I haven't invited him to anything since.

Two weeks ago, the asshole treated me to frozen yogurt. I haven't seen him in awhile and I have no intention of dating him, but I did want to kiss him for comparison purposes only, which I disclosed to him before we even met that night. And I have to tell all of you, I felt more of a spark with him based off of those two kisses than I have with Catholic boy for the past two months.

Therefore, I've decided that I need to be honest with Catholic boy and tell him I think we should only be friends and that the spark just isn't there for me. I've been trying to do this for the past week and a half, but our schedules just haven't worked out, so hopefully by next weekend this hard conversation will be over with.

Surprisingly, I'm actually happy with not dating anyone right now. I'm sure there will be days when I'm envious of others or feeling lonely, but right now I think I'm where I'm supposed to be. It also doesn't hurt that I made an offer on a townhouse! The thought of moving on with my life is really exciting to me. I'm just waiting to hear if my offer has been accepted or not. So send me some positive vibes!

What's new with you?

I'm going.... to Arizona.

Remember this?


Well, I'm going.

My flight leaves in 8 hours.

Stories and future blog posts to come.

Advice Needed & Appreciated

The situation: It's about a boy. Obviously. That's pretty much the only time I care about advice. Anyways, said boy, lives in another state. Boy and I have daily phone conversations and have "known" each other for years. I say "known" because we've never actually met face to face. We've had video chats and written letter correspondance, facebook messages and IMs, but never the actual hang out time we've both been craving.

He currently lives at home too, so that has sort of hindered things. But here's the thing. I like him and he likes me. But I hate the distance. I want someone I can see every week and still have the hour long phone conversations. He's not moving here anytime soon, and I'm not moving where he is either. So I guess you could say that we aren't meant to be, and that things will never progress. But that's what I'm confused about.

Some days we have an amazing connection. Some days he brings out the best in me and vice versa. Of course there are other days when we both are stubborn and fight too. It's not all roses and fairy tales. Like last night, I asked him how his night was and he told me he spent it with his family at home. Only, toward the end of the conversation he admitted he went out on a date with the same girl he had met, oh, last week.

I was annoyed for two reasons, which I expressed to him clearly. First off he should have just been honest with me at the beginning of the conversation. How was I supposed to know he went out on a date? I can't always ask an exact question to figure out an answer. Secondly, how can he spend time talking with me everyday and then go out on a date with a girl? He said he did it because he was mad at me because the night before I told him I wasn't going to make a trip out there to see him.

We were discussing Frontier's fall sale, and he asked me to come see him. I told him I felt like we were dysfunctional and that I didn't want to book a trip and then regret coming out there. Basically, if I go see him, I want to be the center of attention. I demand to have it. Because to me, going out of state to see someone and spend time with them is serious. And, I don't want to look like a fool. I want to know he's serious about me and I don't want to have to worry that he's interested in anyone else.

He assured me that if I had told him in the first place that I would go see him, he never would've went out with that girl. He also told me if I come out to see him, it will be all about us. He claims that he cares about me and wants to spend time together. I asked him about where I'd stay. Part of me wants a hotel because then I'd have some down time alone. But then that's more money. He said I could potentially stay with him if his parents go out of town or he was thinking of asking a friend of his from his church if I could stay with her.

Obviously, I'm in the thick of this mess and can't see clearly so that's where you all come in. What should I do?

Pros: I'd finally get an answer to if me and him are even remotely compatible. And I'd get to go to a state with warmer weather.

Cons: I could go out there and realize he's completely not for me. And then what would I do for the rest of the weekend? I don't want to regret anything. I don't want to regret going but I also want a happy ending. I want it to go smoothly and have fun. It's one thing to go out there because I wanted to see something or attend another event and then meeting him would just be icing on the cake. But if I'm being honest with myself--if I went on this trip in October--it wouldn't be because I want to go to Arizona. It'd be for him.

Being single is awkward

The aforementioned title of this blog post was my the status message I posted on Facebook over the weekend. Specifically on Friday night after I had consumed about six beers, which is totally unusual for me. It's probably because I was playing the role of "wing woman" for one of my close friends.

I'm not used to playing wing woman. And this particular friend had been with her significant other for almost two years until they recently called it quits. Now she's in her rebound phase, which she recognizes. Honestly, I have no problem with that at all because I benefit from it. I've gotten a single friend willing to go out on the weekend and someone to talk boytalk with.

She met this guy at the dog park and found out he's in a band and had a gig that night. He invited her to come by and of course she wasn't about to go alone, so she called me. After almost hitting a deer, we finally found the place. And let me tell you--this place screamed sketchy right from the start.

First off, the name of the bar is called "In the Zone." Make what you will with that. Then we walk in, and we literally were the youngest ones there. And overdressed might I add. My friend even threw on a button up shirt over her fancy top so she wouldn't attract attention.

We ordered drinks and then got a table near the stage and waited. Finally my friend saw her guy and said hi to him. I had my eye on the saxophone player but turns out he's married. My friend thought the keyboard player was cute until he came by our table and we noticed up close he wasn't so hot.

So of course to get through all the cover songs they played, I drank. Finally during a break, her guy came over and talked with us a bit--made the usual small talk and then left. I told my friend I don't think he's boyfriend material, and to "proceed with caution." I mean, this guy is 35, has roommates, and basically didn't really give her any sort of special attention that night, which I could tell she was wanting.

Her guy invited us to have a drink with the band after they were done playing for the night. At that point, I had already had my two tall beers and was thinking of switching to water, but my friend insisted that we should get one more drink and then we'd leave.

Well, I got my beer, and the band finished playing but then they had to break down the stage and equipment which was gonna take another 45 minutes. At this point, most of the people in the bar had left, and it wasn't even 1 a.m.

So my friend and I talked and killed some time. Here comes in the awkwardness. While we were talking with two single guys, this old guy wearing a red hat who had been staring at my friend throughout the night, came by our table, interrupted the conversation and said, "You're cute," to my friend. She replied, "I know I am," and he said, "Wow you're full of yourself," and walked away. AWKWARD!

Not only was that awkward, but right after the red hat guy left, my friend knocked over her beer, sending it all over our table and pretty much down the leg of my jeans. Awesome, right? The hammered dude came back with some napkins, while the blonde guy brought over a wet rag.

Turns out the blonde guy was totally a regular at that bar, which says a lot. And he admitted he's an "engi-nerd," which in some dorky way was cute. But he definitely was desperate. He kept saying "you've got to come back," and pretty much begging us to stay. We stayed long enough for him to replace my friend's split beer and then got the heck out of there.

The night definitely had its awkward moments, but it made for a great story.

No Boys Allowed

Exactly six months ago, I decided since it was a new year, it was going to be my year of not making the same mistakes again. Specifically with boys.

Now, we all know how I made the mistake of going to Vermont to spend a weekend with Special Agent man. I thought it was going to be a you+me kind of weekend, but it turned out to be a my-flight-got-in-late-and-you-invited-your-best-gay-friend-to-hang-out-with-us-all-weekend-so-I'm-going-to-leave-you-and-hang-out-with-my-bff-in-NH-instead kind of weekend.

Since then, I haven't really talked with Special Agent man. I don't hold any ill will towards him, but I'm over the whole flirting with him game. At one point after our trip, he said he might come home to attend his sister's wedding. He talked about taking me on a possible impromptu road trip, and gave me compliments about how much he missed my company. I'll admit, I was secretly hoping for the road trip part. But of course when he texted me last week, he confirmed that he wasn't coming home for the wedding, but that he "might be home in October." (OR NOT. #justsayin) So I'm not holding my breath on that one.

Then there's Alex, who used to literally work a block away from me. We never went out or anything, but we used to occasionally email each other or randomly talk on the bus. And again, I wasn't interested in him at all, he just was too old for me--I think he's like 30-something.

Last month during one weekend, I happened to be on Facebook and he was on there. We started chatting, and basically he told me that all this time he's been wanting to ask me out on a date, which honestly, my intuition told me that he might have more interest than friends, but I was always quick to say that I had some plans for that night or weekend, because I didn't feel comfortable going anywhere with him. I just told him that I wasn't interested in dating anyone right now, to which he replied, "I wish I could go out with you and spend more time with you. You never know, you might fall in love." UM, WHAT? I negatively answered that I don't fall in love with anyone, but by the end of our conversation, he still seemed to hold out hope that once I actually started to date, he'd be the first one on my list. (NO.)

Now here's the boy that I really was intending this post to talk about--the Asshole. Basically, I was that girl. The girl that flirted with him, went out with him, actually dated, then broke up with, and then hooked up with, and then decided we-are-just-friends with. The last time I saw him was the first week of January. I mistakenly thought that we could be capable of being just friends. I really believed that we could just grab dinner together and catch up and then I would go home and everything would be great.

Well, of course he didn't think of it that way, and of course we didn't just have dinner. I remember at the time when we were hooking up that night that I really was over him. I didn't have any doubts, and I wasn't even attracted to him anymore. I remember being so bored that I was trying to talk about where we should eat while he was all over me. Basically I promised myself that I could never go back to him. That I was over him and done making the same mistakes over and over and over again.

And that mentality has gotten me pretty far this year. I haven't seen him since that day almost six months ago. I have talked with him on Facebook chat or replied to his texts, but I've never implied that I want to anything besides have a friend to go hiking or to dinner with. I've made it clear that I don't like him that way anymore. And I really thought he got the point. Until this week. All this week, he's been texting me and Facebooking me to come over.

Saying no to him is the easy part. The part that is hard is my self-doubt that seems to be creeping up on me. For some reason, for every time I say no to him, another thought comes into my head that says, "say yes. You haven't kissed anyone in six months, and look how far it's gotten you. What's your reward for being so 'good?'" To which myself responds, "well, I haven't dated or kissed anyone in six months because I have higher standards now. I'm not gonna make the same mistakes anymore. I know I won't find fulfillment by kissing a random dude at a club. I'm over it, and if I have to wait another six months until a boy worth my time shows up, then so be it."

Yea, my internal dialogue can be quite lengthy. But you get my point. I know the Asshole is bad news. I know it, but it's hard to be optimistic all the time. Seriously, for the past six months, I haven't had any desire to go on a date, much less make out with anyone. I've been content with myself.

But the reason why I might be having this pity party for myself is because two weeks ago when I was on my flight to New York, I met someone. A boy, who obviously is black (because that's all I attract). Anyways, we talked for a bit. I learned he went to school about an hour away from me, and that he was coming back on the same flight as me that weekend.

Well, turns out our return flight was delayed. I had already drank a glass of red wine to kill the time, but we ended up running into each other by the gate. We talked for an hour about our families, our music tastes, and about Facebook. He gave me his email address so I could friend him, and we said our goodbyes. Well, I ended up friending him. He wrote on my wall saying thanks for adding me. Flash forward to a few comments back and forth--he asked me to lunch.

At first I thought, oh sure, that's fine, because honestly I just thought of him as a friend. But then the more I thought about it, the more I felt like he was wanting more than friends, and that's definitely something I don't want with him because he's too young for me (21) and I know we wouldn't make it long term. But when I asked a couple of my guy friends what I should do, they said I should say yes and then cancel on him at the last minute so "he knows he's not important." I personally thought that was mean. I'd rather be honest.

What I ended up doing was saying yes via Facebook, but secretly hoping he wouldn't follow up. And he didn't. Which makes me relieved. And if he does end up apologizing and asking me out again, this time I'm going to invite him to one of my many summer festival plans I have with my friends or I won't respond at all. I figure if he really just wants to be my friend, he'll be fine hanging out with my friends, and if he says no, then I know he really wasn't looking for friendship after all.

So, make me feel better. Tell me the good guys do exist. Or that you can relate. Or pretty much anything.

An Update

• Remember Alex? Well, before Thanksgiving we got together for a cup of hot chocolate. And I have to say that I was seriously so bored. All he did was kept talking about random things, and I didn't really get a word in edgewise. And at one point in the conversation I'm pretty sure I heard him say he dated a man after college. Meaning, that he could be gay. But of course I didnt' clarify because we were in a public coffee shop. But now I'm wondering. A few days later, he sent me a message on Facebook saying it was great hanging out and that I was beautiful. And since then we've exchanged a few e-mails, but that's about it. Until yesterday he emailed me, asking me if I was okay because he hadn't heard from me. I assured him I've just been busy and am fine. 
• I'm going to cook and have dinner with M tonight and I'm excited. 
• I found out today that at work, we're moving again. Apparently the company we share our space with wants our offices and is willing to pay for it. So that means I have to pack everything up again. Oh joy. Not to mention that it's likely we won't be downtown anymore. Obviously there's pros and cons to this, but I rather like being downtown.
• My dad comes back today but there's rumor that he won't be officially released from his contract until the end of January. I'll have to ask him about it today, but I hope that it isn't true, because I wanted to move out next month.

What's new with you?

Oh Murphy's Law

oh, it's just funny, i blogged about Alex and how i haven't heard from him the other day when today i get to work and what do i see in my inbox? an email from him! his dept was celebrating this GIS day at the courthouse and he wanted me to stop by, so I googled the agenda, and saw they'd be on a break during lunchtime so i figured I'd drop in then cuz his email said come by at lunch if u want to.

and i figured I'd go so he knew i didn't hate him. and I was so nervous but i walked to the third floor to find...that he wasn't there. and i couldn't call him because my cell phone is broken, so i walked all the way back to my office, and tried his cell and his work. no answer. and then i realized i didn't even leave a msg, so he would never know that i tried to see him. so then i called his cell again to leave a msg this time, and whatta know, he answered. and said he was at subway. with his coworkers. so we agreed to meet at 1:10, because the next session started at 1:15. so i thought, okay we'll talk for 5 min tops.

well......we ended up talking for an hour about his research and his thanksgiving plans and of course he was like so good to see you, and i was like yeah. and he's like i didn't think i would ever see you again (aka what i said in my email) and so i was like well, i didn't know what to think, and maybe sometime we can get coffee even tho i don't drink coffee.but i drink tea. but isn't that funny how people say, let's go out for coffee sometime when they don't even drink it? (yeah, i was rambling.)

and he was like well think about it, i'm around, call me if you want to do that. and then he walked me out and we said goodbye. and i wanted to be natural so when i first saw him i did give him a hug, but that's what i do, i give hugs. so when we were walking down the stairs he grabbed my hand. i'm not sure if that was out of kindness or not. but it didn't last long and wasn't like intertwined or anything. and then we had another hug when we said goodbye.

So that's what's been interesting....not to mention that the Asshole just texted me asking if I had plans tonight. Which of course I don't, because I'm 90.

How's everyone's weekends looking?

No Boys Allowed

Recently, my dating life has suffered massive blows for some reason. Let's recap here:

Alex- I let him go. He was too old, and he intimidated me for some reason. After that final email, he did send me one last week asking how I have been and how the weather is. I replied because I thought it couldn't hurt, and I haven't heard back from him.


Special Agent- We've texted a few times and he drunk dialed me a couple weeks ago, but other than that, nothing much. I think what we had most in common was the trip.

Asshole- I haven't heard from him.

Yogi- We text sometimes too, and I've called him a couple of times but he never called me back. I still see him in the mornings, and he still makes me smile, but I think that's all it will ever be. He hasn't asked me to hang out with him and I haven't either.

So, given that's all the boys, I am at a standstill here. My latest thoughts are being that I should meet new boys, or let all of these boys go, so that by the time the new year hits, I'm a free agent. Sometimes I wonder if I could be without any boys, like sure I could have friends that are boys, but you know, like free of that boy. The boy you can flirt with or call or text. But, I'm beginning to think that I should try it. I mean, sure I might be a little lonely in the boy area without those ones to lean on, but ultimately, I'd be setting more time aside for myself, and that's a good thing. Plus, I won't have to put in anymore effort into said texting, calling, and flirting. I also kinda wanna do it to prove to myself that I can do it, ya know?

Do you have any boytoys or girls that you need to let go of? Or am I just a huge flirt?

I have to let you go...

Things in the boy department have kind of tapered off lately, mostly due to my own decisions. Remember Alex? Well, a couple of weeks ago on a Friday, he called me at work. We chatted for a few minutes, and he apologized for not emailing me or calling me that week, due to work reasons. Which was fine with me, I was really busy that week anyways. We got to talking about weekend plans, and I for once, had nothing planned, nothing going on. So without thinking, I told him I wasn't going to do much, maybe go outside or go for a drive somewhere...that I had no plans. What do you think happened? He didn't miss a beat and volunteered to hang out with me. Heck, he even said he would drive, and to call him the next day.

After hanging up, I realized that I didn't even know him. I hadn't seen him in person since we met on the bus a month ago, and why would I drive in a car with him? Not a good idea. Plus, he's obviously older. So while talking to my bff about it, she made a good point--that he's gotta be looking for one thing, and that I should end it because I'm not comfortable with the whole idea of hanging out with him. Which I wasn't at all. I get myself into crazy situations like these all the time because I'm just too nice. *shakes head*


So, I figured I had two options. I could call him back at work and cancel that way. Or I could send him an e-mail. I chose the latter, because I was too chicken shit to call him back. I kept thinking, what if he shows up at my office? What if he gets angry? I have a wild imagination, what can I say? So I wrote him a very short but nice email saying that due to our age difference I didn't think it would be appropriate to hang out, but that he was a very nice person and I hope he meets some new people soon.

Of course he responded the next day and was very nice about it.

{My name},

I can understand you perfectly. I don't know how old you are vs mine, although I sincerely believe I'm older than you but I don't think it hurt to have a friend who is older than you, does it? Besides I am sure it hasn't developed to something serious. For me I don't even know whether you have boyfriend or not so I have not been thinking seriously about relationship but I know is possible if there is connection and other things work. For now I just consider you as a friend but I think you are ahead of me. Anyway, I think you are nice and like you but if that is how you feel I can understand you. This notwithstanding I wanted to meet you even if not for anything but just a friend.

If you change your mind, give me a call.

Thanks {insert my name here}.

I never replied to the e-mail, because I didn't want to lead him on. We are still friends on Facebook, which I guess I'll leave. It's not like we write on each other's walls or comment on each other's statuses or anything, so it's probably ok to keep him on there. I was going to delete him, but my bff said that would send him the message that I hate him, which I definitely don't. I just am not interested at all. I feel good about my decision to let him go...now I need to work on all the other ones. *sigh*

Boys & Girls

Can boys and girls just be friends?

I'm gonna say no. But I want to say yes. I want to believe that it's possible. I've told myself before how I've wanted a guy friend or two to hang out with, to do things with around town when my girl friends are busy. But I know in order for two people to be friends they have to be on the same page. And while it might start off right, it doesn't end right. Nope, either the girl likes the guy or the guy likes the girl. It just happens. It's like inevitable.

My friend Self-Absorbed, has a guy friend. But he likes her. He's invited her to fly to Canada to see him. She tells me all the time over gchat how he's such a stalker, and how she keeps telling him no, that doesn't like him, etc etc. Until today. Today apparently she thinks that she can go visit him "as a friend." "I know nothing will happen, I trust him. And I miss him when he's not online." Um, you miss the attention sweetie, not the boy. I told her how that's not a good idea, because even if he says they are just friends, he will take her visiting him to heart. And she's a flirt. So you know nothing good can come of this. I hope she listens.

Giving her advice has got me thinking about my boys. I found out Alex is 37. He wanted me to friend him on facebook, so I did. But now that I know his age, I don't want to hang out with him. And of course when I decided this last week, what happens? He asks me out to lunch on Monday. Thankfully work has been super busy this week so I had a legitimate excuse to say no. But 37? I mean, just the mention of his age makes me intimidated. I wouldn't even know what to say around him, especially because he's very soft-spoken. I mean, I don't see any attraction to him anyways, so I would be friends with him, but  still--37? No thanks.

Special Agent and I are still friends, but after my trip to see him a couple of weekends ago, I think there's potential for more than friends. I don't want that, and he doesn't either. But...if we were both in the same city, at the same time, and both single...wellll....I wouldn't discount us going out a time or two. So, that proves it, I can't be friends with boys, even if I tell myself that's what I want.



What do you think? Do you think boys and girls can just be friends? Cuz I'm thinkin' no...

Home Sweet Home

This weekend I went to the East Coast. I had an early flight on Saturday, and because of the crappy weather we had here--snow and ice--my flight was an hour late leaving because we had to de-ice the plane. I was supposed to catch a connecting flight from Philly to Burlington, but my flight seriously landed at the same time my connecting flight was supposed to leave. Ironically, I was very calm. I've never missed a flight before, but really, there was nothing I could do about it. And I kept thinking about how I was safe, and how it was important to de-ice the plane. When I got off the plane, the gate agent handed me my new ticket, but that flight didn't leave Philly till 8:35pm, and we had landed at 1:35. So...I did the next best thing. I went to the customer service counter and asked if they had an earlier flight. Unfortunately, they didn't have any earlier non-stop flights, but if I was willing, they could put me on a flight from Philly to D.C., and then to Burlington, arriving at 7. I figured, what do I have to lose? And took it.

When I got to the airport, I was so nervous to see Special Agent and his bff. But I forged on, and finally found them. He put my luggage away for me and his bff let me have the front seat. Classy. Then we went to dinner at an Italian place called Three Tomatoes, where we had awesome wine, conversation, and food. I was still nervous but it was okay, nothing was awkward. And it seemed like Special Agent and his bff had put in some effort for the night. They even planned to have a bonfire outside his house with the neighbors. After dinner, we started drinking beer and watched tv. His neighbors tried to start a bonfire, but that failed. I'm not sure why--I was just content drinking Sam Adams Oktoberfest beer and sitting on the couch. Anyways, we headed next door and I met his neighbors and other people. We sat around playing drinking games and watching tv. His neighbors also had the cutest dogs ever. I don't remember what types, but they were all so friendly and loved to sit and cuddle with you. I had a great time, and I remembered why I was able to drink 3-4 beers while I was in college--there's no altitude there--which actually made me feel young again. Plus, the next day when I woke up, I wasn't even hungover! No headaches, just the dry mouth.

I woke up early, and Special Agent drove me to get my rental car. I ended up upgrading to a Subaru. It was decent. I did miss a few turns on my way to New Hampshire, so it took me about 3 hours to get there instead of the 2.5 hours that google quoted me. But I have to say, the scenery was so gorgeous. So picturesque. I even stopped a few times to whip out my camera and take pictures.

I would say the biggest difference between fall in Colorado and fall in Vermont/New Hampshire is the colors of the trees. Our trees are mostly green and yellow. The trees out there are red, orange, even purple, and yellow and green. It was just so so beautiful. And I was so happy to see my bff and her fiancee. They are seriously so adorable, and unlike some couples that I just can't stand to be around, I never ever felt like the third wheel with them. In fact, seeing them, makes me ten times more excited for their wedding next year.

On Sunday, I drove along with my bff and her fiancee, to Mt. Washington. Two other cars of people joined us. We were gonna drive the 8 miles up to the top, but they had closed half of it due to snow and ice. So we didn't end up doing that. We drove to Wildcat Mountain to zip line, but they didn't have any reservations open until 3:30, and we didn't wanna wait. So we drove around so more, and ended up at Diana's Bath, where we hiked about half a mile and took pictures of the waterfall and the trees. It was really great to be outside and stretch my legs, and time just seemed to pass so slowly there. It was quiet and peaceful, and just beautiful. That night we ate lemon chicken and bowtie pasta, and even stopped at a Dairy Queen along the way, where we snacked on french fries. My bff had never been there before, so of course we had to go.

I woke up early on Monday morning, said goodbye to the people who were up, and made it to Vermont in 2 hours. It's amazing how much time I saved on the way back by following the directions. When I got back, I thought maybe I would have time to go apple picking and do breakfast but I honestly was so tired, that I just let it go. I know this entire weekend I was looking forward to picking apples, but it just felt forced. Instead I snuggled with Special Agent, filled him in on my New Hampshire adventures, and said goodbye to his bff, who left us alone. Special Agent and I drove to downtown Burlington, past the University of Vermont (which has a gorgeous campus, btw) and ate at Henry's Diner where the food was cheap but so so good. I had homefries! I know, it's the little things that excite me in life. After breakfast, I returned my car, and Special Agent took me to the airport. I made it back home safe and sound, but I still miss the East Coast. *sigh* Guess I'll just have to go back again next fall.

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

Ready for an adventure?

So here's the update regarding this weekend. I feel like in the past 24 hours, I have made some progress. For one thing, I no longer hate Special Agent so much that I want his balls on a silver platter. It's amazing what ignoring his phone calls and threatening voicemails, reading a book, and taking a shower, can do.

Yesterday we didn't talk. We did text, because we're immature like that. Basically he was just acting like a big jerk, at one point he actually texted me that it was no big deal that I'm coming up there, "it's not like it's a romantic weekend. we're just friends." Um, right. Okay. Whatever. Eventually I was just so irritated that I simply stopped answering him. I ignored his texts, and he called twice, leaving a message somewhere along the lines of...

"Hey I hope you call me back, this is getting silly. Sorry you're upset, I didn't realize him coming up would bother you. There's not much I can do about it now. Not to be mean, but snap out of this so we can have a good time because I won't enjoy myself and you won't either. This is shitty we both spent money to not have a good time. It's up to you, it's all based on you, but give me a call if you want. Bye."

That mean voicemail just made me even more upset. I went home, grabbed myself some Taco Bell for dinner, read an entire book in bed, and then took a relaxing shower. I didn't even check my phone. I knew what I needed was space and time. Space to calm down, and time to figure out what I want to do. It was a very productive evening to say the least.

This morning I woke up with a better outlook. I wasn't angry anymore but I also wasn't ready to call him back, especially after what he said yesterday. He called me as I was getting ready for work. Normally I would've answered, but today I put myself first. He left another message.

"Hey I'm sorry for yesterday, I was angry. There's a lot of stuff going on at work. I can't blame you for not answering. I can't just ask my best friend not to show up. I haven't seen him in 3 months. I told him how you wanted it to be just you and me and he's already made plans. I don't know what you wanna do but I want you to come, but if you don't want to, then I don't want that. Maybe you can use the tickets as a credit. Tell them that the person you were going to see passed away or something. I was trying to come up with ideas last night. I still want you to come but not if you don't want to because then that would suck and I don't want that. I don't know, please text or call so I can help you out or maybe get things ready. The house is fairly big, there's plenty of room for three people...it's up to you. Bye."

First off, I know it was at the end of August that he last saw his bff, because he drunk dialed me. Second, I won't lie about someone dying. Talk about bad karma. After reading everyone's comments and talking with my bff, I did eventually text him back with my plan of attack.

Thanks to the iNDefatigable mjenks for his suggestion that I split my time between Special Agent and my bff. That's basically what I'm going to do. On Saturday, I'm going to meet his bff, and then we'll all go see the leaves, and go apple picking, and probably break bread together in some form or another. I'll stay with Special Agent. He said I can have his bed; him and his bff will take the couches. I wasn't aware he had more than one couch, but whatever. Then on Sunday morning, I'll wake up really early, have SA drive me to the airport where I'm renting a car. Then I'll drive 2.5 hours to where my bff will be in NH. I will spend the day with her, her fiancee, and his family. I'll stay with them Sunday night. On Monday morning, I'll spend the morning to myself, then drive back to Vermont. Then I'll have brunch with SA alone, say our goodbyes, and then drive myself to the airport where I'll return the rental car, and then hop on a plane to come home.

I am actually excited now, because I'll be getting to do the things that I want to do. Plus, who doesn't love an adventure? It seems like this always happens to me, and everytime I just go off on my own, just like I did earlier with my Seattle trip. Either way I'm gonna survive! Yay! Thanks again to everyone who commented! 

Crash & Burn....

Seriously, what a mess. Why do I get myself into these situations with boys? You're probably wondering what the heck I'm whining about. My Vermont trip. You know, the one that is THIS WEEKEND? Yeah, that one. Ahem.

Special Agent called me last night as I was on my way home from picking up dinner for my family. His cell phone reception sucks, so I heard every other word. But he dropped a lot of things on me last night, the first one being that his best friend Danny, who happens to be gay, is also coming up this weekend. Apparently Special Agent can't afford to go down to Boston to visit him for his birthday or something, and so Danny is coming up. Which leads me to the next thing he asked me..."He's staying here too, so you can either have the couch while I share a bed with him or we can share the bed and he can take the couch." Um, what? I thought we were just friends. Friends don't share beds together. So I said, "oh, okay. I'll think about it." I mean, what else was I gonna say?

Then he says that it's going to be crappy weather on Sunday, so he thinks right after I get off the plane we should go for a drive and take pictures of the trees and then go apple picking later that day. I was okay with that. "And on Sunday, there's the Broncos game which is gonna be HUGE, so my coworkers want to come over and watch it. That's okay, right?" Seriously? I don't do football. Football to me is like social hour. Only in this case, I won't know a single person there. Wooo this is gonna be fun. NOT.

I told him that we should talk tomorrow (which means today) about all of this. Basically I'm freaking out. I am regretting booking a trip to go see him because he sucks as a host. If any one of my mutual friends or otherwise came out to see me, you damn well know I would clear my entire schedule for them. Sure I might plop in a few friends here and there but the entire weekend would be dedicated to spending time with that person. Which is what I expect of Special Agent. I'm flying allllll the way out there to see HIM for the weekend. Not his bff Danny, not his coworkers. Maybe he's just nervous to have alone time with me and wants people around. I get that. And I honestly might be okay with watching the football game with his coworkers if it was just him and I the entire weekend. But throw in his bff into the mix, and what do we have here? An episode of Three's Company. Or just an awkward weekend.

Clearly I'm not happy, but I am the type of person who always finds some sort of solution. So today when Special Agent texted me asking me if I was still nervous, I was completely honest. I told him I am having doubts about coming this weekend. I called U.S. Airways to see if I could change my flight but my ticket is non-refundable and so no matter what they'd charge me $150. Not a fan of that, so looks like I'm going to Vermont. Yay! *insert sarcasm here*

I asked him why his bff couldn't come up to visit him a different weekend. "I wish you would've told me this last night," he said. "I needed time to think about it. I don't like being put on the spot." "Well, I'll tell him you want me all to yourself but if he's already made arrangements, I'm not going to hell and have him break them." "That's fair," I said.

So now I'm waiting in limbo, waiting to hear if his friend is coming up or not. But here are my options:

1. Since I'm 25 now and won't get charged those stupid under-the-age-fees, I could rent a car and do whatever I wanted this weekend in Vermont. I would of course "meet up" with Special Agent at some point, but most of the weekend would be spent alone.
2. I could stay in a hotel. I'm sure I could get a great rate from Priceline.com like I did for my Seattle trip, and that would make it 10x less awkward because I wouldn't be around boys the entire weekend. Plus, if I didn't want to watch the football game, I could stay in and sleep or read my book.
3. I could suck it up and enjoy Danny's company, and suggest to Special Agent that we have some alone time, whether that be going for a walk or to an early breakfast, so that we can have time to catch up.
4. I could drive up to New Hampshire where my bff is going to be with her fiancee and spend the weekend with them.

So I do have options...but I'm still freaking out. What is up with people? Why do they suck so much??


What should I do? What would you do? Help!

"You're my best friend"

Since my last post about all the boys in my life, I have quite a few updates.

Let's start with Alex. We keep e-mailing back and forth, but generally, our conversations are boring. I don't want to discount anything with him just yet, because anyone can be boring via e-mail. But I also am not at the point where I want to actually talk with him on the phone, let alone give him my number. Maybe I'll suggest going for a walk on our lunch break and see how the conversation is then. Either way, I definitely am not feeling the whole take-me-to-dinner-please feelings. More or less, I think he and I could be friends.

Speaking of friends, let's talk about Special Agent boy. So as you know from my last post, I'm set to spend a weekend with him in Vermont in oh, less than two weeks now. Up until this point, we still text daily, and he still calls me cakes btw. UGH. Regardless, he's been a little distant lately. Fewer phone calls, but still flirty text messages. Turns out he's homesick, and he's fighting with his sister because she's getting re-married and he doesn't approve of it at all. He hasn't even met her fiancee, but hates the idea, so he's boycotting coming home at all for the holidays. I've been supportive of him, listening to him vent, and when needed, putting in my two cents. 

This past Friday, while on Facebook, he started venting about family stuff. And then somehow changed the subject to my trip out there. "I want you to know that you're my best friend. I know I can tell you anything, and that whatever I tell you stays between you and me, and that's amazing. I'm so lucky." I'm thinking to myself...OKAY....where are you going with this? "But I'm so stressed out with family stuff right now that I can't be more than friends with you. Not to mention that my job comes first, and I'm a shitty boyfriend. I still need to deal with my past."

Of course I was shocked. I mean, wow. I didn't know what to say. In the span of like 3 minutes, he gave me a HUGE compliment, but also kinda put me in my place. He asked me if I was disappointed, and I said, "I don't think so, because I honestly don't know what I want right now." Which is true. I'll admit my first reaction was--how can he not want me? I want him to want me, even if I don't know if I want him. And as my bff pointed out, it's not fair to expect that from him if I don't even know what I want.

So I let that sink in, and we continued to chat, and by the end of our conversation, we were at ease. We were ourselves, and the conversation flowed naturally, which is a good thing. The more I've think about this--that we're just friends--the more I think he's right. Not to mention that I still don't even know if I'll like him more than a friend, seeing as I haven't seen him since high school. I think right now, especially with the distance, it's good to be friends. He makes me feel good about myself, and I in turn, encourage and support him. Not only that, but reading back on my past entry about the trip, I noted that I'm most comfortable with going to see him as friends. And that still holds true. Now I don't have to worry about being perfect around him. Now I can be myself. 

Over the weekend, when I was planning on going to the Great American Beer Festival, I tentatively made plans to stay the night at the Asshole's place in case I couldn't find anyone to give me a ride. I of course ended up staying with M, which was a way better choice. Plus, when I texted him on Saturday complaining about my head hurting, he texted back saying he was sick with a bad chest cold, so it was probably even better that I didn't stay with him on Friday night. Since then, I haven't heard from him, which is a good thing. I am just over him. I don't know how to describe it, but I honestly would have to force myself to go out with him again. I just don't feel anything anymore.

I haven't seen Yogi in over a week now, because something's messed up with the nerves in his leg. He's literally been out of work for almost two weeks now. I called him a couple of times to see how he was doing. We talked last night for a few minutes but basically he still doesn't know what is wrong with him and is set to go to a different doctor today. It'll be nice to see him, in a friendly way of course. 

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

Whew, I've had alot of stuff happenin' lately with boy front, that it's way past time that I update you all.

Bryan aka Special Agent. He and I still text daily, with occasional phone calls in between. Things have been going well. About three weeks ago now, I was bored at work. Just the night before Bryan had reminded me that I am always welcome to visit him. Therefore, I texted him while at work asking for his days off so I could possibly look into seeing how much airfare would be for a weekend trip next month. He texted back promptly, and I checked kayak.com for the rest of the day, confusing the hell out of myself with all the different dates, schedules, and prices of flights. I revisited this the next day, a Friday. Tickets were going for $300+ for the weekend I wanted, which turns out to be Columbus Day weekend--no wonder. So I texted my NY friend complaining about how expensive it is, but that I wanted to go. He offered to pay for my ticket. Yes, you read that right. We've known each other for almost 4 years, and he's always offering to buy me stuff I want, but I have never taken him up on it. Until now..... I booked a ticket to visit Bryan for a weekend! I can't believe I did that, but then again, I didn't pay for it, so why not go?

Bryan of course was beyond excited knowing that I'm coming to visit him. He's already made plans to take me to dinner in New Hampshire, about an hour or so away, to meet his friend and his wife. And I insisted that we go apple picking, which he hasn't done. I'm so excited to go apple picking, I haven't been since college!

But here's the confusing part--I haven't seen Bryan since high school, and if you've been reading this blog, you know my thoughts about high school people. So, that, coupled with the fact that I don't even know if I like like him, makes this weekend kind of scary. Not to mention that normally I don't open up to boys right away. I take months to do so. But all I have with Bryan is a weekend, so it's going to be a challenge to be myself and open up right away.

My other concerns are what it means to visit a boy for a weekend. When I think of it in terms of me visiting him and it possibly meaning more than friends, I get all nervous and wonder what the hell I'm doing. But at the same time, if I think, oh it's just friends, it's kinda disappointing because maybe I want him to want me more than friends. But if I think of the weekend as my own getaway to Vermont, with his added company, I'm actually comfortable with that and excited.

The only other thing I need to figure out now is what to wear to bed. I usually just toss on a t-shirt and some sort of bottoms, but then again, no one sees that except me. So....what would you guys do? Should I go invest in a new set of color-coordinated pjs? Or just stick with what I normally do? Clearly I need help. HELP!

B aka the Asshole. As I mentioned yesterday, I did have dinner with him last week. It was by pure coincidence that we were both available. I was actually planning on going home for dinner and eating pork, but our dog ate it. He called to see if I had any plans, I didn't, and BAM, we went to dinner. Over dinner I told him about Bryan, and how I am going to see him. B was semi-jealous, but he told me he had a date. Actually, I saw he had a date via Facebook and asked him about it. He said the girl he took to this event has a bf. I encouraged him to pursue other people should he think he might have potential with them. But he said he'd rather let me wonder. *rolls eyes* I ditched him for an entire month, you'd think he would've gotten the hint by now, but clearly hasn't. I just don't know how to end it. I am not a mean person, I can't be like, I-hate-you-B. But I also can't see him anymore, he just doesn't do it for me.

So what should I do???

Yogi. I haven't written about him here, but he's definitely an older, black, guy who works at the bus station. He originally gave me his card with his # on it months ago when I was crying over B when we broke up. Eventually I did call him so that he would have my number finally. We did talk on and off more recently, sometimes half an hour or more. In one recent conversation, he asked me what types of food I like to eat. I told him I wasn't picky, and he basically asked me to go out to eat with him at P.F. Changs sometime. I said sure, but even as I said that, I thought to myself: Is this a date? Cuz if it's a date, I am not interested. He's way too old for me. So he brought it up again in a later conversation, but I had to let him go because I had another call. Well, since then, he hasn't brought it up and whenever he calls, it's like a 5 minute convo, and all he says is, "just wanted to say hi, I don't want to take up your time," and ends the conversation. So I have no idea what his deal is. I hope he doesn't think I rejected him, because it's not like that. I just enjoy his conversation and he makes me smile.

New Bus Boy aka Alex. Last Friday I took the earlier bus home. I was wearing a simple jeans, hoodie combo. I boarded the bus, and was minding my own business when Alex sat behind me, and leaned over the seat and said, "Have you ridden this bus before?" I told him I don't usually get this one. "I haven't seen you on here, I would've noticed." We haphazardly talked through the seats until someone finally sat down beside me. I learned that he has a PhD, two masters, and grew up in Ghana. He lived in D.C. for awhile, and just moved here in June. Turns out he works right across the street from me, doing H1N1 research. Small world. Anyways, we chatted, it was polite conversation, nothing flirty at all. When I was about to get off at my stop, he passed me his business card with his cell phone # written on the back. "It was great meeting you. Call me sometime." Of course then I knew he was hitting on me. I swear sometimes I'm just too nice. Of course I didn't call him, I don't want him having my number, especially because I don't even know him yet like that. But I have emailed him, just saying hi. I definitely wouldn't date him, but I would take a walk with him on my lunch hour or something.

So given all the boys I have been juggling lately, I need a drink--or 5,980,320,721--which is why I'm so excited that I'm going to the Great American Beer Festival tonight!! Last year I had a blast. This year I'm all prepared to get drunk & have even made special pretzel necklaces in advance. I just hope I'm still hungover by tomorrow night, because I'm volunteering at the festival then.

Do you guys have any weekend plans?

Am I Settling?

I meant to write about this on Wednesday, but alas work+friends+life got in the way, so I'm writing about it now.

As I've briefly recapped before, B and I are were exclusively dating, because that's what I wanted. I also wanted him to do something for my birthday. Turns out he can't make my birthday dinner tomorrow night because of work. Even though I'm disappointed, I get that. Of course I wanted to see him this week, but lately I've been planning all the times when we hang out and this week I just didn't feel like planning anything. So I texted him asking him if he would mind planning out when we're hanging out this week. I wanted him to put in some effort, but he never texted back. So I texted him again asking the same question, and got a reply. "Sorry I've been running around all day. My phone is dying, come online."

I went online, and when I asked him the same question, he suggested tomorrow, as in Wednesday. I said sure, given that I had plans for the rest of the week. So we confirmed that, and I went to bed. Fast forward to Wednesday, after work I decide to go home and change. I call him and leave him a message saying that. Then I text him as I head downtown to his place, because we ALWAYS meet at his place and then usually go out to dinner. So I call him again, to let him know I'm near but he doesn't answer. I figure he might be sleeping, because he's always tired after work. I pull into his parking lot, and as I'm about to turn off my car, my key gets stuck in the ignition. FML. So I call him again, with my intention being that he could come out and fix it for me. Only he doesn't answer. So I fix it myself, walk to his apartment, and knock on the door. His roommate answers, saying he's not there and is probably still at work. "Can you tell him I stopped by?" 'Sure.'

Obviously I'm irritated right now because it's already almost 7 p.m., not to mention that if he was still at work, he should have told me so. Especially because I MADE THE EFFORT to drive alll the way down there when in reality, all I wanted was to be at home in my comfy clothes cleaning my room. So at this point, I've decided I'm going to just order pineapple curry to go at this Thai place downtown. As I'm headed there, guess who calls? B.

"What's the emergency miss? You called four times."
"Where are you?"
"I just got out of meetings. Is that okay with you?"

"Hello?"
"I'm here. Are we hanging out tonight?"
"Okay so I'm going to stop by the bar and say hi to the trivia team and then I'll be home in 45 minutes. I'm not staying long. I'm just saying hi. You can come along."
"All I want to know is if we are hanging out tonight."
"Well why don't you make that decision for me?"
"Have fun at the bar."

I was just so mad that I couldn't even speak. So I drove to the Thai place, and in the car I just started crying. I was hurt that he would choose his coworkers over me. He sees them ALLL THE TIME. Secondly, he was the one that PLANNED this evening. Third, he didn't even apologize for not calling, not communicating, not for making me wait for him. Nope. Nothing.

So as I'm crying by myself in my car in front of the Thai place, I get a text from Bryan. Bryan is the new guy I've been talking with but lives in Vermont. Anyways, he asks if something is wrong because I haven't really texted him all night. I'm about to text him back when he calls me. And he ended up listening to me vent and cry and basically admitted that guys are stupid but that my guy is an idiot, because I'm a great catch, etc. Obviously it's nice to hear compliments, but it's even rarer that a guy is sincere about them. After talking for a good 20 minutes, I finally need to order food. So I let Bryan go, and order my pineapple curry.

Then I get back to the car, and Bryan calls again, just to make sure I'm feeling better and we talked until I got home, even though it was already 11pm EST, and he had work early in the morning. I definitely appreciated the talk because HE MADE EFFORT. I can't say where things are headed with him, but I can definitely say that I'm over B.

I'm ready to move on to someone who actually deserves me, puts in the effort, and actually cares. I am excited to turn 25, because that means I'll have a new age, a new haircut, a new (boy)friend, and hopefully a new job.


Have you ever settled before?


{Btw, he never called}

WTF Tuesday

Seriously I don't understand why my Tuesdays always feel like Mondays and my Mondays feel like Tuesdays. It makes no sense.

Here's the deal kiddos, I'm in all sorts of a panic right now. I don't know exactly why but here's the deets:

1) I'm freaking out about finding a new job. HOLD ME. Yes, I have a job. I'm lucky to be employed right now, especially in this crapastic economy. But there's been more lay offs at work (mainly when I was in China) and it's got me really thinking it's only a matter of time before I'm next. And I don't want to be that person that just sits around and waits for it. I want to be the person that says "see ya suckas, I'm outta here!" and beat them to the punch. So I've been saying for months I'm going to start looking, start applying, yada yada yada. Only now it's becoming a reality. I applied for three jobs last night, and all I kept thinking was, "did my cover letter suck?" "do I really want do to this?" "what if I get an interview?" "what if they don't like me?" and so on. It really wasn't the best of times. That and I've learned that I really hate writing a cover letter. Like I have real hate for it. So much hate for it that the last real cover letter I wrote was oh, about three years ago. That's not good people. Not gonna do. Which means someone needs to liquor me up so I can write a proper one. Any takers?

2) Moving on....I'm also freaking out about B. Yes, I know I said I wasn't gonna see B anymore. I know that. But hear me out. We had dinner and a walk last week, and it was great. Like just really relaxing and I felt like myself (even tho I wasn't, I was so nervous and so I talked the entire time until the beer I drank made me normal again) and he told me he missed me while I was gone and I think he meant it. After our "date" or whatever you want to call it, I realized that I like him again. Which is not good because before I left for China, I was just having fun with no strings attached. Now all of a sudden I care if he's seeing other people (which he isn't).

I talked this over today with Linda over gchat, and basically this is what I've come up with. I blame my hormones for liking him again, but with my birthday coming up at the end of the month, I expect him to do something for my birthday. Which isn't good because I'm not his girlfriend. I guess we're dating? I have no clue. But here's the deal. I figured out that I like him and I want him to be reliable, but I don't want to call him my boyfriend because then I feel the added pressure of being in a relationship. But I definitely don't want him seeing other people, because I'm not either. So where does that leave me? I have no fucking clue. All I know is that I can't shut my mouth so I'm going to ask him about where he sees us at tomorrow when I see him for dinner.

Speaking of boys--I've been texting a guy I knew from h.s. lately. He's definitely been hitting on me which is flattering but he lives in Vermont, so there's no chance of that working out. But still, a compliment is a compliment.

3) I had something happen last night that was terrible, like TMI terrible, so stay tuned to TMI Thursday, because you're gonna wanna hear this one. It's disturbing.

I know I've been complaining all this time, so to lighten things up a bit, here's something that made me actually smile today. We all know how much I heart Taylor Swift--here she is playing a prank on the hot, hot, Keith Urban:

Dating 101

Everyone in the blogosphere seems to be serious today so I'm going to delve into myself for a moment too.

Today I had several epiphanies, but I'm going to share this one: I suck at dating. Now, usually when I date it's because of the attention. I like having control of the situation, and I like being able to reject the other person instead of vice versa. But today I realized that while dating can be fun, dating can also lead to a relationship, which can lead to the M word--marriage.

I realized that whoever I date, I should want to spend time with them. And have stuff in common. You'd think this would be painfully dating 101 info but sometimes it takes me awhile for things to sink in. I realized this, when I was hanging out with a boytoy over the weekend. Sure we had great physical chemistry and I liked being wined and dined, but when it came to actual conversation- we really had nothing to talk about. He claimed he was tired. I just looked around and people watched because I had nothing to say either. I also hate that he is so messy, which he blames on his roommates. And I hate that he watches comedy central. I'd rather waste my time watching any other channel. Seriously.

Given that ephinany, I am going to make more of a conserted effort to distinguish what I want. If I want the attention, I might as well just hook up with them. But if I want a date, I should have higher standards. Granted, you don't always know the person before you date them, so in that case, I'll play it by ear. But at least now that I'm aware of this I can change. At least I think so.

Hey shawty

Sometimes I think there's something wrong with the planet, specifically people on this earth.

A week ago, I was hit on by seemingly every guy I came into contact with. Now, don't get me wrong, it's definitely flattering to get hit on. But the guys that hit on me were subpar. I don't understand why I seem to attract older guys, because I look young, certainly not my real age of almost 25. That's for sure.

The common theme here is the bus, folks. Allow me to walk you through my day....

Guy #1, we'll call him Where's Waldo. No, he wasn't wearing stripped apparel, but his glasses were definitely Waldoesque. He was also wearing a scarf and had dirty fingernails and facial hair. Immediately, when I sat down, he looked at me and said hi, and smiled. People here never say hi nor smile, unless you know each other. And I definitely didn't know him. I looked out the window. Then mid-ride he sparks up conversation with me by asking if I know how much a local bus pass is. Yea, he didn't bother to ask the driver who probably would know that information. I make up some answer and continue to stare out the window when he starts talking about how he's new here and that everyone is so nice, and how he left Indiana. Yeah, this conversation was that rivetting...not! Eventually he got off, and I got to my destination.

Then coming back on the bus, another guy who had a ring on his left hand aka married, proceeds to bore me to tears about the newest drinks he's tried and how much he loves cars.
"Have you tried the new cherry pepsi?"
"No, I don't like anything cherry."
"Oh, I get them for free. I like them." :::proceeds to totally check me out:::
"You like the vanilla coke kind?"
"No, I hate vanilla. And Coke. That's too much sugar."
"Haha, I want to try the new diet Pepsi caramel cream."
"That sounds gross."
"Yeah...have you ever been to the car museum?"
"No, cars bore me."
"Oh, they have so many cool cars. I had pictures on my old cell phone."
Silence.
"Yeah, they had this vintage car I wanted."
"Why would you buy a car you can't drive?"
"Because it's so cool!"
Btw, this guy had to be like 40.
"Why don't you buy it then?"
"Because I can't afford it."
Yeah, I know, I'm mean...I get off the bus.
"Have a good day," he says, as he checks me out. Gross!

It's starting to rain when I get off the bus. As I'm waiting to cross the street, I hear "hey, hey you!" I don't turn around. "Hey shawty, where you going?" I turn around to see this big black dude wearing a tight white tee and carrying a huge umbrella.

"Yes?"
"Hey I've seen you around, and I like what I see."
I gave him a blank stare.
"See, you're like a sistah, but you're not." Translation: he likes my ass.
"I want to get to know you." Um. no.
"Why would I go out with you?"
"Why you gotta say it like that??" he pleaded.
"How old do you think I am?"
"20?"
I shook my head no.
"21?""22?""23?"
"24. How old are you?"
"35"
"You're too old."
"No!"
"Yes, that's 10 years difference."
He stomped his foot and said "But you're a grown woman! I just wanna take you out for dinner, get a couple of drinks, show you my place...I want to get to know you. Can I have your number please?"
"I don't do this."
"Here, put it in my phone."
"I gotta go- you're gonna miss your bus."
"Nah, he ain't even started his engine."
"Eh...."
"Please??"
"I'll think about it."
"But how will I see you again?"
"Look for me coming off the bus next week at this time."

And then I ran across the street, and definitely didn't drive today. *sigh*