What a month

Hello, 27.

Today is my birthday. Normally I want to celebrate all week long and plan something cool to do with my friends like a picnic or fancy dinner with cake. But this year, it's different.

This year, I would say I've gotten the best birthday presents ever, and have celebrated little by little all month long.

I bought my first place the first week of August.

I accepted a new job yesterday with a better salary.

I found a washer and a dryer for $100, plus a microwave for $10.

Things are falling into place for me--all the things I've been wanting for the past two years, I finally have. And that my friends, is the best gift a girl could ask for. Not to mention, I'm extremely appreciative for my family, who have supported me.

Happy birthday to me.

Mommy, wow! I'm a big kid now!

July will go down in my memory as a very grown-up month.

July 2: Attended a bbq with M's family, saw fireworks (randomly) and said goodbye...

July 3: My best friend since kindergarten had her first child, a boy, via natural birth.

July 4: Spent the day with newer friends but never once felt awkward or ignored. Saw fireworks too! M also left today to drive to Texas. She's moving to be closer to her boyfriend.

July 7: Found out the bank has accepted the offer I placed in May on a townhouse!

July 11: Had a home inspection done, to the tune of $275. Found out there's some water stains in the attic and storage closet due to some moisture issues. Have to replace the hot water heater too and do a major cleaning of the place.

July 12: Signed loan documents! AHHHH! Part of me is excited about the future yet still very cautious. I'll breathe a sigh of relief and get excited after I close and have the keys in my hands.

To be done:

Hear if my loan got approved.

Close on August 8th.

Get decorating ideas.

Pick out new carpet and paint.

Go through my storage unit - get rid of stuff if necessary.

Find a white over-the-cabinet microwave

Do a major deep clean!

Move in.

Is this really happening?

Remember this whole house drama?

Well turns out, it didn't go to auction after all.

My realtor found out the lender didn't even know it wasn't auctioned off.

Apparently they are THAT FAR BEHIND.

When he talked to the lady last week she said she would put my offer in the "expedited folder," and promised a "quick response."

Keep in mind now, the new auction date is set for July 13th.

Then I got an email on Tuesday from my realtor saying that we'd hear something on Wednesday. So of course all day Wednesday I am anxious....

...and I STILL HAVEN'T HEARD ANYTHING!

But, I got another email today from my realtor saying, "Hopefully things are going forward so it's time to get your loan started.  Do you want to go with the person who did your approval or do you want another name or two?"

So now I am officially "shopping around for a lender."

This might actually be happening.

I'm so nervous! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Updates! Updates! Updates!

Lately I haven't been posting because I've been reading all of your entries. I know, that's no excuse, but when things in my life change or there's important developments, I tend to go silent in the blogging world and take the time to deal with them in "real" life.

Since I last posted, I have some updates to share.

As you all know from my post a month ago, I went to Arizona to see a boy I've been talking with for five years. The trip itself was intense because there were ups and downs. Day one was intense for me because he sucked a lot of energy from me. Day two was much better because I felt balanced and we did some things that he wanted to do and some things I wanted to do too. Day three was horrible because all we did was argue and fight. We were supposed to have an amazing date night but it was the worst date I've never been on. We barely talked at dinner and then he took me home. Granted, now I realize that we probably had that bad day because this entire time we were around each other all day, minus the time when we were asleep in our own places. At least the trip ended on an okay note. We actually got to go to the pool and relax and were civil and nice to each other the last day. I do have to say, four days of non-stop boy time was too much. In the future, if I ever do something crazy like this again, I'm going to definitely schedule in "me" time and take a shorter trip.

Since the trip, we made the mutual decision to break things off. We are still friends and happen to still talk frequently, but I'm relieved we're no longer dating or trying to figure out if a relationship would have worked.

This leads me to introduce a new boy, whom I met from CatholicMatch.com. He is nice and patient and not at all like the Arizona boy. We've been going out for two months or so, and I have enjoyed my time hanging out with him. He has a job, but he also has some faults. Like...he can't drive because he has a hereditary condition with his eyesight which causes him to be unable to see contrasts. He also lives at home, which is fine, but recently while we were on a date, he spilled some green chile on his pants and immediately he said, "my mom's gonna be so mad at me," while he furiously tried to get rid of the stain. I couldn't believe his mom still does his laundry. I mean, he's 27! I live at home, but I would never have my mom do my laundry. It's MY responsibility. Talk about a turnoff.

And then there's the whole Catholic thing. I mean, I'm not a perfect Catholic, but I have to say over the past year or so, I've really grown a lot spiritually, and frankly, I want that in my future life partner someday. I've invited him to several church-type events and he's basically said no to all of them. And it's not like me to just be that person to keep nagging someone to go, so I haven't invited him to anything since.

Two weeks ago, the asshole treated me to frozen yogurt. I haven't seen him in awhile and I have no intention of dating him, but I did want to kiss him for comparison purposes only, which I disclosed to him before we even met that night. And I have to tell all of you, I felt more of a spark with him based off of those two kisses than I have with Catholic boy for the past two months.

Therefore, I've decided that I need to be honest with Catholic boy and tell him I think we should only be friends and that the spark just isn't there for me. I've been trying to do this for the past week and a half, but our schedules just haven't worked out, so hopefully by next weekend this hard conversation will be over with.

Surprisingly, I'm actually happy with not dating anyone right now. I'm sure there will be days when I'm envious of others or feeling lonely, but right now I think I'm where I'm supposed to be. It also doesn't hurt that I made an offer on a townhouse! The thought of moving on with my life is really exciting to me. I'm just waiting to hear if my offer has been accepted or not. So send me some positive vibes!

What's new with you?

Things I....

... want:

A bento box. Guess I'm feeling "green" again.

A smart phone ... but I'm too cheap right now to get one.

... that are exciting:

I got pre-approved for a mortgage! And I have a realtor! w00t

 

 

 

... I am obsessed with:

Greek yogurt with cranberry granola

I seriously can't eat just one of the these...I love the black sesame seeds in them!

Frozen yogurt

Cheeseburgers from the Cherry Cricket in Denver. SO.GOOD.

....What are you obsessed with or wanting? What's exciting?

Happiness, gratitude & value

Over the weekend I heard a story about how many people are impatient because they have all these demands--from their employer, family, and friends. No one says thank you. No one appreciates all of their hard work. Essentially, they don't feel valued.

What I took from that story when I heard it on Sunday was that I should be more grateful for the people in my life. As I was putting dinner on the table for my dad and brother, I stopped to tell them that story. And then I proceeded to bring up how we never help my mom out with the dishes after she's cooked dinner for us, or how I never tell my dad thank you for working so hard, and how my brother never sets the table. Sure, these examples are pretty small, but the bigger lesson here is to be more aware of those around you.

While I've been mindful of the people around me and all that they do, I also had another theme arise in my thoughts: value.

When I think of value, I think of "the value of a dollar," or the "value of that product" or how that coupon saved me .77 cents, making it a "great value."

But I recently realized that there's another definition of value that I've been missing. Value in terms of work.

While I was meeting with my spritual director yesterday, I shared with him how in the past two weeks, I've been so happy. HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY. That kind of happy. The kind of happy that makes me want to break out dancing and laugh like a fool. I told him how happy I am because of all the new job opportunities that have come my way, and how I can't wait to see what lies ahead.

I told him how I've imagined walking into my boss's office and telling her that I'm leaving to take a position at another company. I've pictured her reaction to my news and look of the shock on her face, and how happy I will feel to tell all of my coworkers that I'm leaving.

Two years ago, when I imagined leaving, I worried that I'd miss my coworkers. Now I could careless. I know it's time for a change. And frankly, it feels good to be wanted. It gives me validation of all my hard work in my current position.

When I told him all of this, he said, "I'm getting the sense that you don't feel valued at your job." AMEN BROTHA. Seriously, I've never thought of it that way, but he's right. I don't. I've gotten a ton of new work thrown at me, but never have had a positive comment saying, "thanks," or "I know you worked hard on that...it looks great." Nope. It's just expected, same 'ol shit, different day.

And frankly, knowing that I can be valued in other positions and situations, well, it gives me wings to fly so to speak. It gives me the motivation to work harder. It gives me the positive outlook I've been wanting to have for awhile. It makes me believe that I can do it. I can get a new job. I can move out of my parent's house and into my own place. I can be unstoppable.

What about you? Do you feel valued?

This isn't high school, but it still feels like it

Seriously, do you ever wonder why certain things happen?

You're probably wondering what the heck I'm talking about. Well, in the past 48 hours I've run into two people I went to high school with. Not a big deal, right? Wrong. You see, I actively avoid talking with anyone I went to high school with except my close inner circle. I just feel like I've changed a lot since then, and according to most of their facebook profiles, they certainly haven't.

Incident #1 happened on Saturday night (or shall I say morning?) when I was at a country bar. Obviously I don't normally hang out at country bars, especially not dressed up in jeans and plaid shirts with my hair in pigtails. I was there because of a bachelorette party for a mutual friend.

At this point, the bachelorette was sufficiently drunk and was wandering off trying to get guys to sign her t-shirt. I was put in charge of keeping track of her. So I'm holding a huge blow up penis and watching her talk with some guys when I notice a guy staring at me out of the corner of my eye. At first glance, I think to myself "I have no idea who that is," and then approximately 30 seconds later, I do a double take and realize it's this guy Anthony who used to be super popular and played on the football team.

Anthony was always nice to me, but we never really had any classes together. I was usually in the honors or AP classes, and he wasn't. Anyways, at this point since we both know we've seen each other, I could not really walk away. So blow up penis in hand, I walked right up to him and said hi.

We ended up talking about what we've been up to since high school. Apparently he lost his sports scholarship his sophomore year of college in Wyoming and moved back here. Eight years later, he's got a degree in civil engineering and a full-time job. So here I am thinking, wow, at least he did something with himself, when he says "yea, other than working, I like to get in trouble with the ladies. It makes life interesting." Yea, obviously not the smartest cookie in the bunch.

After I told him what I've been up to--graduating from college & staying out of trouble--we parted ways with a hug. And then I maturely went over to my bff and told her EVERYTHING.

That was on Saturday. Fast forward to today when incident #2 occurred. I'm holding a container of artichoke and garlic hummus, a bag of carrots, a cup of applesauce, and a spoon, when I see a lady waiting by the elevators. I'm walking towards the entrance of our office, when all of a sudden that lady looks over right at me. And again, I did a double take.

Turns out it's one of the few girls I used to hang out with in high school. We were never bffs, but she was tolerable. We played volleyball together and were in a lot of the same classes. We stayed in touch after high school, but parted ways during my senior year of college. She came out to visit me and was a tool the entire time. Literally complaining about bringing the wrong shoes to complaining about walking everywhere to complaining about drinking to complaining about doing too little to complaining about doing too much. COMPLAIN. COMPLAIN. COMPLAIN.

After I sent her to the airport in a cab, I exhaled a sigh of relief and pretty much decided to not keep in touch with her anymore. In high school she was always negative too, but I think at that time I was naive enough to think that she just needed a friend and that if I was positive enough, it would rub off on her. That obviously didn't work.

Since then, we've friended each other on facebook. I have her on my limited profile list that I reserve for anyone that I don't want knowing about what I do. But obviously I'm in a bit of a pickle now, considering she freakin' works in the office RIGHT ACROSS THE HALL FROM MINE. She of course was like, "OMG we have to catch up!!" And I'm thinking to myself....oh great.

Have you ever had this happen to you? I don't wanna know if the universe is about to throw a third person from high school my way. Seriously. Don't. Want. To. Know.

Free me baby...

This entire weekend I did something liberating.

I didn't wear my watch.

Now, I know most of you are thinking to yourselves, "so, whatever, that's not liberating." But to me it is. You see, I wear this silver and gold Fossil watch, and I literally never take it off--unless I'm getting some sort of massage. I've worn it while swimming, in the shower, doing yardwork...you name it, I've probably had it on my wrist. But this weekend, while I took my second bikham yoga class ever in my life, I removed it. And I didn't put it back on. Even as I type this, I'm not wearing it. And I feel so free. Sure, there's a part of me that wonders what time it is, but that's why I have my cell phone.


What makes you feel liberated? Is it going a day without showering? Wearing sweats to the store? Or maybe letting go of your inner critic?

Sprinter or Marathoner?

As I was walking to the library today on my lunch hour, I saw a bunch of people on the creek's path. Some where running, others were walking. And it made me think--am I a marathoner or a sprinter?

I always wanted to be a sprinter and run really fast and just be able to turn on the juice and blow everyone away during soccer practice in high school. But I couldn't do that. Maybe it's because my legs are short so I have to take double the steps a normal person would. Or maybe I was just too lazy. I'm not sure. Nowadays, sometimes I think I could be sprinter. Like when I'm impatient, I could just run away from the situation or problem and be done with it. Or I could run and figure out a solution. But either way I could figure it out FAST.

But it's pretty clear to me that I'm a marathoner.

I'm a marathoner when I'm drinking because I'm more of the slow & steady type. I'm in for the long haul. Same with friendships. I may take my time building them, but once your my bff, I won't leave you. It will be forevah.

Are you a sprinter or a marathoner?

Random Thoughts Tuesday

Over the weekend, I figured out a few things about life and things. Allow me to share....

#1. I don't want to be a pirate as a living. I mean, I would get seasick, and it's gotta be lonely out on the water all the time. Not to mention that you really have to LOVE water to consider that as a career. And ever since I almost drowned in Mexico, well, I have a hate relationship with the ocean. So that's definitely out. At least I've figured out what I don't want to be. That's gotta count for something, right?

#2. I wish I could be a dog. Like my dog, who is a golden retriever mixed with border collie. Sure it would suck to have to go outside to do your business, but how cool would it be to be able to listen to humans talk all the time and know everyone's secrets? And you would be able to tell all of your doggie friends via the twilight bark, but the humans would never know, because only you would be able to understand them.

#3. Lately I've been freaking out about the whole 20-something crisis, but when I was at church this weekend, the priest explained how there's hope that whatever you're going through you can survive it. That makes me think that everytime I'm freaking out about if I'll ever get married, or find a job I love, he's laughing at me. He's laughing at me and shaking his head saying to himself, that I'll be okay. That it will all work out. I have hope right now that it will be okay and that one of these days I will think back to how I was in my 20s and have a huge laugh and shake my head too.

What's on your mind today?

Blog Swap: If I lived in Colorado

Hey everyone, 
Today I'm swapping posts with the coolest Aussie I know, Kez, from And So I was Thinking... We might be on the opposite ends of the world, but we're both going through the quarter life crisis! Yay! You can check out my entry on her blog. Enjoy!! 

Well, hey there! I am so honoured to be a guest blogger for the 20 Something Bloggers Blog Swap - mouthful, much? My name is Kez and all you need to know about me is that I live in Australia, I'm the biggest dork you'll ever know and my quarter life crisis is rumbling along nicely.

Soooo...Courtney (you know - the awesome chick that owns this blog) has so kindly let me invade her wonderful writings with my crazy ramblings!

As you may know, Courtney is from Colorado. A place I know very little about. The only time I really hear about Colorado is when my parents start sentences with, "When we were in Colorado..." Which of course makes my blood boil, because I am so jealous of their midlife overseas travels and their over the top braggery (don't know if that's a word - too late now). Yes, apparently my mum once caught the eye contact of Carlos Santana while he dined in a cafe in Colorado. She claims she wasn't starstruck, but I know the truth. Her CD and itunes collection tells me so. Random, huh?

I know that there are these things called the Rockies. Are they rocks? Mountains? Rocky mountains? Well, whaddya know! This concerns me because I am clumsy and a bit funny with heights. I might not last longer than a couple of months. You know, because of the whole possibility of me falling off a cliff while hiking or something.

My hubby just reminded me that "South Park is from there". Which brings me to my next point. South Park is awesome. But probably not helpful so much in the way of PR and stuff.
I won't hold that against anyone.

If I went to Colorado (or even lived there), I would make sure to wear Colorado footwear and drive a Holden Colorado (imported from my fine country of Australia). I would also probably attend that university they have that is named after a giant rock. Boulder. Which I find to be a scary metaphor for how I feel about my university at the moment...it's like a boulder chasing me down and threatening to squish me before I make it out the other end...oops, I have a bit of university baggage right now...

So I totally googled celebrities who are from Colorado...quite the list. I would probably hang out with Matt Stone and Trey Parker (yep - back on the whole Southpark thing), but maybe not so much Bill Murray or Roseanne Barr.

I would sit around (probably on a rocky outcrop somewhere) and sing John Denver songs badly, while playing guitar equally as badly. Although I am disappointed that his real name was Henry Deutschendorf Jr (Wikipedia - dashing blogger's dreams for decades). Doesn't have the same ring to it. I only know John Denver songs because my dad used to be a fan. We used to have to endure roadtrips around Australia with everyone in the car singing, "Countrrrryyyy roaaaddds, taaa-aake me hooooome, tooo a place..." at the top of their lungs. I figured, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

So as you can see, my knowledge of Colorado is just really crap. I've probably offended the locals. Perhaps I really do need to get there one day. If only to stop my parents from starting their sentences with, "When we were in Colorado...and you were not..."

Am I Settling?

I meant to write about this on Wednesday, but alas work+friends+life got in the way, so I'm writing about it now.

As I've briefly recapped before, B and I are were exclusively dating, because that's what I wanted. I also wanted him to do something for my birthday. Turns out he can't make my birthday dinner tomorrow night because of work. Even though I'm disappointed, I get that. Of course I wanted to see him this week, but lately I've been planning all the times when we hang out and this week I just didn't feel like planning anything. So I texted him asking him if he would mind planning out when we're hanging out this week. I wanted him to put in some effort, but he never texted back. So I texted him again asking the same question, and got a reply. "Sorry I've been running around all day. My phone is dying, come online."

I went online, and when I asked him the same question, he suggested tomorrow, as in Wednesday. I said sure, given that I had plans for the rest of the week. So we confirmed that, and I went to bed. Fast forward to Wednesday, after work I decide to go home and change. I call him and leave him a message saying that. Then I text him as I head downtown to his place, because we ALWAYS meet at his place and then usually go out to dinner. So I call him again, to let him know I'm near but he doesn't answer. I figure he might be sleeping, because he's always tired after work. I pull into his parking lot, and as I'm about to turn off my car, my key gets stuck in the ignition. FML. So I call him again, with my intention being that he could come out and fix it for me. Only he doesn't answer. So I fix it myself, walk to his apartment, and knock on the door. His roommate answers, saying he's not there and is probably still at work. "Can you tell him I stopped by?" 'Sure.'

Obviously I'm irritated right now because it's already almost 7 p.m., not to mention that if he was still at work, he should have told me so. Especially because I MADE THE EFFORT to drive alll the way down there when in reality, all I wanted was to be at home in my comfy clothes cleaning my room. So at this point, I've decided I'm going to just order pineapple curry to go at this Thai place downtown. As I'm headed there, guess who calls? B.

"What's the emergency miss? You called four times."
"Where are you?"
"I just got out of meetings. Is that okay with you?"

"Hello?"
"I'm here. Are we hanging out tonight?"
"Okay so I'm going to stop by the bar and say hi to the trivia team and then I'll be home in 45 minutes. I'm not staying long. I'm just saying hi. You can come along."
"All I want to know is if we are hanging out tonight."
"Well why don't you make that decision for me?"
"Have fun at the bar."

I was just so mad that I couldn't even speak. So I drove to the Thai place, and in the car I just started crying. I was hurt that he would choose his coworkers over me. He sees them ALLL THE TIME. Secondly, he was the one that PLANNED this evening. Third, he didn't even apologize for not calling, not communicating, not for making me wait for him. Nope. Nothing.

So as I'm crying by myself in my car in front of the Thai place, I get a text from Bryan. Bryan is the new guy I've been talking with but lives in Vermont. Anyways, he asks if something is wrong because I haven't really texted him all night. I'm about to text him back when he calls me. And he ended up listening to me vent and cry and basically admitted that guys are stupid but that my guy is an idiot, because I'm a great catch, etc. Obviously it's nice to hear compliments, but it's even rarer that a guy is sincere about them. After talking for a good 20 minutes, I finally need to order food. So I let Bryan go, and order my pineapple curry.

Then I get back to the car, and Bryan calls again, just to make sure I'm feeling better and we talked until I got home, even though it was already 11pm EST, and he had work early in the morning. I definitely appreciated the talk because HE MADE EFFORT. I can't say where things are headed with him, but I can definitely say that I'm over B.

I'm ready to move on to someone who actually deserves me, puts in the effort, and actually cares. I am excited to turn 25, because that means I'll have a new age, a new haircut, a new (boy)friend, and hopefully a new job.


Have you ever settled before?


{Btw, he never called}

WTF Tuesday

Seriously I don't understand why my Tuesdays always feel like Mondays and my Mondays feel like Tuesdays. It makes no sense.

Here's the deal kiddos, I'm in all sorts of a panic right now. I don't know exactly why but here's the deets:

1) I'm freaking out about finding a new job. HOLD ME. Yes, I have a job. I'm lucky to be employed right now, especially in this crapastic economy. But there's been more lay offs at work (mainly when I was in China) and it's got me really thinking it's only a matter of time before I'm next. And I don't want to be that person that just sits around and waits for it. I want to be the person that says "see ya suckas, I'm outta here!" and beat them to the punch. So I've been saying for months I'm going to start looking, start applying, yada yada yada. Only now it's becoming a reality. I applied for three jobs last night, and all I kept thinking was, "did my cover letter suck?" "do I really want do to this?" "what if I get an interview?" "what if they don't like me?" and so on. It really wasn't the best of times. That and I've learned that I really hate writing a cover letter. Like I have real hate for it. So much hate for it that the last real cover letter I wrote was oh, about three years ago. That's not good people. Not gonna do. Which means someone needs to liquor me up so I can write a proper one. Any takers?

2) Moving on....I'm also freaking out about B. Yes, I know I said I wasn't gonna see B anymore. I know that. But hear me out. We had dinner and a walk last week, and it was great. Like just really relaxing and I felt like myself (even tho I wasn't, I was so nervous and so I talked the entire time until the beer I drank made me normal again) and he told me he missed me while I was gone and I think he meant it. After our "date" or whatever you want to call it, I realized that I like him again. Which is not good because before I left for China, I was just having fun with no strings attached. Now all of a sudden I care if he's seeing other people (which he isn't).

I talked this over today with Linda over gchat, and basically this is what I've come up with. I blame my hormones for liking him again, but with my birthday coming up at the end of the month, I expect him to do something for my birthday. Which isn't good because I'm not his girlfriend. I guess we're dating? I have no clue. But here's the deal. I figured out that I like him and I want him to be reliable, but I don't want to call him my boyfriend because then I feel the added pressure of being in a relationship. But I definitely don't want him seeing other people, because I'm not either. So where does that leave me? I have no fucking clue. All I know is that I can't shut my mouth so I'm going to ask him about where he sees us at tomorrow when I see him for dinner.

Speaking of boys--I've been texting a guy I knew from h.s. lately. He's definitely been hitting on me which is flattering but he lives in Vermont, so there's no chance of that working out. But still, a compliment is a compliment.

3) I had something happen last night that was terrible, like TMI terrible, so stay tuned to TMI Thursday, because you're gonna wanna hear this one. It's disturbing.

I know I've been complaining all this time, so to lighten things up a bit, here's something that made me actually smile today. We all know how much I heart Taylor Swift--here she is playing a prank on the hot, hot, Keith Urban:

A New Perspective

Oh how I love to travel. I was lucky enough to go to Paris for a week last year, and now this year China. China. As in that country on the other side of the world. I still don't think it's quite hit me that I was there for two weeks. I have to say, after about a week there I was sick of Chinese food and ready to come home. But, by the time I knew it, I was coming home. And honestly, I had mixed emotions about that too. On one hand I was happy to come home to fresh air, sunny days, and friends. On the other hand, I felt sad leaving China and kinda disappointed to be home. Maybe that's because home means I won't be around my Dad anymore, and it means back to reality aka working and having real adult responsibilities.

But I'm happy I went. I'm so so thankful that I was able to go, even if my visa came in last minute. I think whenever I travel, I come home with a new perspective. This time I came back with a feeling of comfort that everything will turn out okay, in terms of relationships, jobs, and life in general. I will survive my 20s, even if they suck. I will find another job that actually challenges me. And I will eventually find someone special enough to call my boyfriend.

Another new thing I'm trying to institute in my everyday life is about being in the moment. I'll admit before my trip, I was definitely not in the best of places. I kept looking for direction, for something to talk about, and most of all, was definitely envious of others. So now I'm going to try and just be in the moment. If I'm out with my friends, I want to remember that time we went to the movies and laughed till our sides hurt. Not the time when I was the only single person in the group.

I realize this is going to be hard to keep up, but I want to try. Because I know I'm going to get sucked into the same routines I had before I left, and I don't want that to happen. I want to resist that as much as possible. I figure a new outlook on life is worth a try, right?

Whew, that was a close one

Okay, so I haven't had much time to blog in the past 48 hours or so, but here's the recap. I'm gonna keep it short & sweet people. I've got things to do, like pack. Yes, I'M GOING TO CHINA! My visa got approved yesterday, and so I should have it in the mail today. YAY! Talk about last minute, but that's how I roll sometimes. At least I getta go.

Other than that, I saw the Harry Potter movie with M on Wednesday night, followed by a short trip to Walmart. My Dad requested that I bring him some peanut butter, jelly, and Honey Nut Cheerios. Yeah, I'm dead serious. Apparently China doesn't have that. And me being the wonderful daughter I am, I said okay, sure Dad. I'm betting that TSA will have a laugh or two when they scan my luggage and see a bunch of food in there. Oh well, as long as it fits.

I saw B last night. I know I said I wasn't going to but I figured since I'll be gone for two weeks, I should at least say goodbye to him. We had a late dinner and talked about life. It was nice to actually talk about something worthwhile for once. I didn't get home until late, and then today I overslept. My alarm didn't go off (totally my fault). But I made it into work today. Whew!

Wish me luck on my China trip. I just need to make it there and then I'll be golden. I doubt I'll be able to blog, so I'm probably going to have guest posts and might even schedule a post or two myself if I have time. So make sure you come back and read me, er my blog. Thanks!

Back to myself

I'm doing better than I was before. I had honest conversation with M on Sunday...we got ice cream and I tried an Earl Grey milkshake. Sounds very odd, I know, but it was really good. We needed the time to just hang out and clear the air, and I'm glad we did.

So things with friends are back on track, and work is busier than ever. Our deadlines have moved up, so I have plenty to keep me busy.

And I've been enjoying housesitting for my uncle. I think part of the reason why I'm unhappy is because I live at home. On one hand I want to move out. I found $400 apartment deals. But when I look at the big picture, I think twice about moving out. Because if I can just make it through the rest of the year and pay off my student loan, then I can afford a down payment for a condo (hopefully). I don't want a house at this point because I don't want to take care of the lawn and stuff. I need it simple, and I figure I can always move. The thought of me having my own place is really exciting, and so I think, yeah, that could be worth the wait. And maybe things at home will be better once my brother goes back to college. Then I'll just have my 9-year-old brother and my mom to deal with. And once my Dad comes back from China, that should help too because then I won't feel like a second parent.

I know it'll all work out, but in the meantime, I'm just happy to feel better about things.

On the other side

So, I haven't really mentioned it here, but I'm going to China on Saturday. Yeah, as in that big country on the other side of the world. I'm gonna be there for two weeks, and see my Dad, and visit Beijing, and see where Michael Phelps swam in the Watercube, and see this Hello Kitty house in Shanghai. And of course go shopping, and take a bazillion pictures.

Only, it seems as though their government hates me. You see, in order to visit, even if it's just for vacation, you have to apply for a visa. So you fill out a bunch of paperwork, detailing out where you're going, where you're staying, etc. and then you send in your paperwork and passport and they send it back to you with a visa in it. At least that's the way it's supposed to work.

In my case, I did all of the above, except then I got a call last week, saying their government wanted more details on what my job entailed. I filled out a statement promising not to write about China. I even wrote a 3 paragraph letter detailing my job description. I thought okay, this is going well. I'll expedite the process, get my visa by Wednesday, and be all set.

Um. No. I get into the office today, check my voicemail, and get a message....

"Hi, this is __ with the office. I have bad news for you. The Chinese government isn't going to process your visa request because of your job. I know you wanted this expedited, but at this point, I might not get it to you until Friday night or Saturday depending on shipping and when you are leaving. I will try to get them to reconsider, but at this point they are saying no. Please call me back at xxx-xxx-xxxx. Thanks."

I'm not okay. It's just starting to hit me that I'll be on the other side of the world in less than a week, and I'm worried as it is about traveling there. I'll be fine once if I ever get there, but this sucks. I'm sorry that I have a job. I'm sorry I know how to write and use the internet. I just don't get it. Why me? Nothing is ever easy. All I want to do is see my DAD, to see my FAMILY. Is that too hard to understand? Why must they hate me? What if I was Asian? Would that have made a difference?

Please pray/send positive thoughts that they will reconsider and that I will get to go.

My dad is trying to talk with the processing people to see if he can do anything, and my mom said that if worse comes to worse, I'll just have to come a little later and fly there alone.

I don't know what to do. I want to cry, but as my friend Linda said, I can't do anything--its out of my control. Which doesn't set well for me, because we all know what a big control freak I am. *insert sarcasm here* I couldn't resist. I had to do something to lighten up this post.

I hate so much...today.

I just need to vent....

Things I hate:

1. My annoying officemate. She's always too hot or too cold. She opens the windows when I'm cold, she doesn't ever change the tape for the server, she's totally the "teacher's pet," and she takes two hour lunches like she deserves to.
   
2. I hate my mom. She knows exactly how to piss me off, especially when she says comments like "You sure don't look like you've lost weight," and "You should change, no guy is going to look at you in a t-shirt and shorts." Thanks mom, there goes my self-esteem. She made me cry last night. I hate her.
3. Floozy, my other officemate. She bought me a sundae at Ben & Jerry's, and then minutes later, decided to let me know how "redundant" my writing is, and what I should fix, even though SHE IS NOT MY BOSS!
4. I hate living at home. I resent that I have to take my 9-year-old brother to summer camp everyday while my other brother gets to sleep in because he was out too late the night before. I'm late everyday because of this but no one cares. FML.
   
5. My life. Clearly I'm unhappy today.

I wish I could embrace my inner petulant child and run away.

Bummer Friday

The weather pretty much reflects my mood right now...and it's cold and rainy. Super depressing for Colorado, that's for sure. Not a sign of sun out there anywhere. And I heard it's supposed to be like this all weekend.

Today was sad, because last night Bobby and I broke up. Yeah, apparently we just "weren't going to work out." Oooookay....I just hope the canceling of our relationship on Facebook isn't broadcast all over my friends' news feeds. I don't have much to say about it, I don't hate him, I'm just sad because I thought that it was going to work out. Sure I had my doubts, but I do firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. I know it, and I just need to believe in that and focus on myself. I've decided that when I move out, I'm going to live alone. I'm ready for it. Besides all this he said/she said business, my laid off coworkers left forever today. It was their last day, and well, it's just sad.

I can't wait to sleep in tomorrow and cry my eyes out and regroup. Hopefully I'll return Monday feeling like a new person. Maybe I'll even get a lil crazy and get a haircut...I know, my life is so so exciting.

What are your weekend plans?

I'm lost

So the funk I thought I had emerged from, has returned. I have no idea why.

Last night didn't help it either. I went and got ice cream at Baskin Robbins for their 31 cent scoop day, and then came home and helped my little brother, who is almost 9, with his homework. That was until he spit in my face. Yeah, I don't know why he has to be a brat either, but I wasn't going to take that. Soon my mom got involved, there was alot of crying, yelling, shouting, etc. Then my brother left the house and walked barefoot down the street. The dog was barking, I was hiding out in my room while my mom kept shouting. Yeah, last night I felt like I lived in a volatile environment. Finally, we got my brother to sleep by 9, so I finally had peace and quiet.

So besides last night's events, I've realized that I'm just in a funk. Last week three people got laid off, one of which who started when I did, and the other is 8 months pregnant. She's my lunch buddy. I'm going to miss them. Their last day is tomorrow, so we're holding a goodbye baby shower for her this afternoon. And I'm going to take her to lunch.

All this lay off talk has made me think lately about what I would do if that happened to me. Obviously I'm trying my best to keep myself valuable to my company. I'm the only one in my office that knows how to Twitter and all about Facebook, and how to update the website. But, if it happened--if I was laid off--what would I do? I.have.no.clue. I've thought before of changing jobs, and industries, but when it comes down to it, I don't know. I don't know alot of things lately, and it's frustrating. I don't like feeling lost. I want to be excited about things, but I'm not at all.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

I've also thought that maybe I'm unhappy living at home. But I don't know if that's true either. Obviously I know my mom is pre-menopausal, and my brother is brat, but I love my dog. I can't wait for my dad to come back from China next month.

All of this stress from work/funk, has made me want to get away. Like even for a day. Since the Vancouver trip is off, I've decided to get my money back, and book a trip to New Mexico this summer, at the end of May or in early June. I want to see this church that has stairs without nails in it, and see all the mountain scenery. I want to go to Santa Fe and see the art galleries, and buy some native american fetishes. And I want to relax. I know this isn't an immediate solution to my woes, but it'll be something to look foward to.

As for my temporary solution, I've already consulted with M, and I know I have several options of staying with friends for a day and getting some alone time. I might even drive up to the mountains and journal. I've already read a book this week, so I'm ready for something else to distract my mind. I know I will emerge from this dark hole, but I just don't know when.

At least L is talking to me again--we haven't talked in 2 weeks. *sigh*