I'm lost

So the funk I thought I had emerged from, has returned. I have no idea why.

Last night didn't help it either. I went and got ice cream at Baskin Robbins for their 31 cent scoop day, and then came home and helped my little brother, who is almost 9, with his homework. That was until he spit in my face. Yeah, I don't know why he has to be a brat either, but I wasn't going to take that. Soon my mom got involved, there was alot of crying, yelling, shouting, etc. Then my brother left the house and walked barefoot down the street. The dog was barking, I was hiding out in my room while my mom kept shouting. Yeah, last night I felt like I lived in a volatile environment. Finally, we got my brother to sleep by 9, so I finally had peace and quiet.

So besides last night's events, I've realized that I'm just in a funk. Last week three people got laid off, one of which who started when I did, and the other is 8 months pregnant. She's my lunch buddy. I'm going to miss them. Their last day is tomorrow, so we're holding a goodbye baby shower for her this afternoon. And I'm going to take her to lunch.

All this lay off talk has made me think lately about what I would do if that happened to me. Obviously I'm trying my best to keep myself valuable to my company. I'm the only one in my office that knows how to Twitter and all about Facebook, and how to update the website. But, if it happened--if I was laid off--what would I do? I.have.no.clue. I've thought before of changing jobs, and industries, but when it comes down to it, I don't know. I don't know alot of things lately, and it's frustrating. I don't like feeling lost. I want to be excited about things, but I'm not at all.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

I've also thought that maybe I'm unhappy living at home. But I don't know if that's true either. Obviously I know my mom is pre-menopausal, and my brother is brat, but I love my dog. I can't wait for my dad to come back from China next month.

All of this stress from work/funk, has made me want to get away. Like even for a day. Since the Vancouver trip is off, I've decided to get my money back, and book a trip to New Mexico this summer, at the end of May or in early June. I want to see this church that has stairs without nails in it, and see all the mountain scenery. I want to go to Santa Fe and see the art galleries, and buy some native american fetishes. And I want to relax. I know this isn't an immediate solution to my woes, but it'll be something to look foward to.

As for my temporary solution, I've already consulted with M, and I know I have several options of staying with friends for a day and getting some alone time. I might even drive up to the mountains and journal. I've already read a book this week, so I'm ready for something else to distract my mind. I know I will emerge from this dark hole, but I just don't know when.

At least L is talking to me again--we haven't talked in 2 weeks. *sigh*

No More Gossip

I've stopped reading my daily dose of gossip but of course I will still keep watching Gossip Girl. My homepage still displays highlights from People, but I'm no longer reading Perez's site or anything else relating to gossip. I just think it's a waste of time. Who cares about Heidi & Spencer's "wedding" or who had kid #4? I don't. Sure, I used to read these sites daily, even checking them more than twice a day. But since reading Lovely Bones two weekends ago, I've realized how fragile life is. Meaning, I shouldn't be wasting my time reading about stupid celebrities when I could be doing more meaningful things.

I do get that everyone needs time to unwind and relax, and maybe some people choose to read about other people's lives to escape their own. I get that, but if you think about it, the celebrity/gossip industry wouldn't even be popular if it weren't for us, everyday-joe schmoe-people. If we stop caring, the industry will collapse. As for my ways to unwind, I've realized I love writing in my journal, and sleeping.

Oh dear

Today was one of those days. I woke up at the absurd time of 7:40 a.m. due to the dog barking and my brother shouting at the top of his lungs about not going to his football game and my mom trying to bribe him with breakfast. After finally admitting defeat and getting out of bed, I went to the 9news Health Fair to get my blood work done. That was productive, and then went to breakfast with my mom at the Egg & I where I saw this girl from grade school! I didn't even recognize her, but apparently she knew me right away. Once she told me her name and how she knew me, memories came flooding back. She looks alot different now; apparently I must look the same cuz she said she knew it was me from the minute I stepped in the restaurant. Go figure.

Anyways, after breakfast I rushed home and got ready because I thought today was the day I was going to the college fair. Syracuse asked me and K to volunteer, and I thought it was today. Yea, key word there is thought. I arrived early, then walked all over campus to try and find signs saying college fair. I couldn't find anything, except a huge swim meet happening. Then it was 1, and I freaked out because I HATE being late, so I frantically called K like three times, left three different messages, still no answer. Then I got my mom to look up the email for me with the location. Well, turns out it's TOMORROW. Yeah, I'm a big idiot. At least I know where it will be now, and I won't be late tomorrow. But still, this is so me. Only I would have the wrong day. While this doesn't happen alot, it has happened in the past. Especially this one time when I was looking for jobs after graduation. I totally missed an interview. I wrote down the wrong day, and they even called to see if I had forgotten, and I admitted I had the wrong day. It was embarrassing, unprofessional, and yea, I never got that job nor another interview.

At least the rest of the day will be spent being productive-cleaning out my car and doing laundry.